Letting you go was the best thing for me, but incredibly hard. You could not love me the way that I loved you. It took me by surprise, the intensity of my feelings. I had no idea how much I felt for you until that day in May, when you said, "It sounds like he has your heart" about another man, I burst out crying, realizing it was you who did. We walked through life circumstances, leaning on each other. We shared our secrets and life goals. We enjoyed a beautiful trip that meant the world to each of us. But there is no "WE" and there never really was. I fell in love with you without recognizing how my heart was growing as time passed.
I missed you terribly for several months. Those random cries on the way to work and almost reaching out. My phone in hand, ready to call you or wanting to see your face. I couldn't look at pictures of you. I still haven't deleted many of them because I don't want to cry looking at them. Deleting you erases a small piece of me. The hardest part was the ending of you being my best friend. We tried several times, it was hard to see you as just a friend. I couldn't do it knowing it our connection was so strong. I was sitting in a session with clients the other day, and something said made me think of you. The moment was so intense emotionally, I wanted to burst out crying. Those moments are very rare now. The most difficult piece of it all is the silence. Not seeing you or hearing your voice is odd, and something that took a while to get used to. I used to talk to you for advice and support, I cannot run to you anymore.
You may ask why? Why did I feel this way so very deeply? I was in the process of healing my own life hurts as our friendship blossomed. I learned that I had the capacity to love in the midst of deep sorrow and hurt. You let me in to see the depth of who you are. You let me know the real you. I didn't feel judged by you. You answered when I needed to talk. You spoke kindly to me and are a truly nice man. You were striving for better in your life while processing grief and trauma. You believed in me and wanted the best for me. You were fun to joke with and just share life with. You are so talented in your photography and have a good head on your shoulders. You are driven and fantastic in your career. You made me feel like I was worth it. You made me feel pretty and that I have value! You saw the real me and cared. You think I am a beautiful woman, which is something I rarely felt.
Life circumstances have us on different paths. Too many things to change to make it happen. We missed our chance at something more, and while that hurt my heart, I know it is for the best. I know it is the right choice to distance myself, even if it is not what I really wanted. Will there ever be a day that we can be friends again? I am not sure! For now, I need to be content, and part of my story is letting you go. Am I completely there yet? Probably not, but much closer than I thought possible. I am learning more about myself. I am working on myself and what I want in life. My happiness has grown. 2025 was a year of grief, 2026 is now a year of Joy. I wonder how you are? I think about whether you are happy. I had to stop giving to you because it was taking from me. I wanted to be selfless, but at what expense? I wish you well and want you to know that my silence isn't about you, but me.
