Limbo? What does that even mean?

Right now I feel on edge, a little anxious and maybe even worried-which is something I am not used to. I feel like crying for no solid reason. Nervousness is getting ahold of me while I should be trusting and relying on the Lord's provision. You may not believe in God but for me, my life has been entrusted to the one who saved my soul, Jesus!

I hate being in Limbo! You might ask me what does limbo even mean? So what did I do? Google it! Limbo means, "an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition. (Thanks google)"  

I am a person that only has the patience for a few things and waiting for feedback is not one of them! (Yes I am working on it) I applied for a great position 3 weeks ago and received an interview quickly, within a week they called asking me to fill out some paperwork and had called all of my references. I absolutely want this job and got excited about it. It is dependant on a process that takes 10-45 days. They were able to rush the paperwork and I turned my last required piece of the application in a week ago. I have access to the website that will show the result of the application and what happens during the process. Since last Thursday nothing has changed. I keep checking because I think by Friday the place of employment needs feedback or I will be passed up for this position. I am applying for more jobs as well. I even applied to one that I really would have loved an interview for and thought it would fit in my love of working with families. Sadly I wasn't viewed as someone who could do the job and my discussion with one of the hiring people didn't go very well. I felt that I was a little judged because I never heard back and applied over a month ago. I may not have had the exact experience for the job but I know I would do well at it.

In the last month, a lot of changes have happened. I did a wonderful internship and then bam one day about 5 weeks in I received an email that it had ended for some odd reason and then they said I could volunteer as an overnight host. I responded to the two people in charge of me asking for feedback and clarification. I did not receive an email from either one. It was very disappointing. I even applied for a position there. I am so sad. I put my 4-week notice into my job ending October 8th believing I would find a great job closer to the field my degree is in. I have been jobless for two weeks now. I didn't expect this time period. I know it takes time but I am just ready for something new.

Financially I prepared for October and have paid all of my bills just fine. I am doing side jobs for gas and food but November is quickly approaching and I need a paycheck by the 15th. I have rent covered. I am okay but the overwhelmingness of my decisions and changes is getting to me. I canceled all of my subscriptions to television and movie websites. I need to detox from distraction and getting lost in a tv show is not going to help me in the future. I also deleted some apps on my phone and just need a break from easy distractions. Today I stayed in bed too long but got up and cleaned my bathroom. Depression is easy to fall into and I am determined to not let it sink in.

I am very thankful to have had my nanny career for so long. Yes, I said career. Sadly someone scoffed at my wording of career and it was someone I even nannied for. That made me upset and it felt like I was inferior to them because my career was "just" watching children. You may not value the work I have done or think being a nanny is worth the wage I was paid or that it is a mindless job, but I could argue with you for days the opposite.

Trust, what does that look like for me? Do I truly rely on God? Am I giving up control and really believing in his faithfulness? These are the thoughts I am dwelling on today. Having faith over fear is where I am at. Believing that I will be provided for and it will be okay even if I do not have everything planned or in control. He is always on time!