Mother’s Day woes.

My hearts desire from childhood has been to be a mother.  My life is so different than I planned all those years ago. I thought for sure by 36 I would have been married with several children. But here I am, childless, not married and not even dating. (Online dating doesn’t count) I didn’t take care of myself for so many years. I lost a lot of time but still have hope. I’m having surgery on my uterus in 2 weeks. Please pray for continued healing and wholeness. My treatment plan is going well and my prospects of having children are great. This whole bump in the road has taken a toll on me. The things I’ve gone through in the last 6 months haven’t been easy. Fear and anxiety have been prevalent. I feel extra supported right now and I’m grateful for that. I have to trust in the Lord for my future.   

I had to forgive myself for not prioritizing my own life. For not dealing with my trauma and ignoring or avoiding what was clearly an issue, my obesity.  Proud of all my changes this last year.   These changes came later than I’d have hoped but now I’m figuring out my life.  I have hope for the future and know good things are in store. 

Yes, I nannied 35 children in 16 years but it’s not the same.  Loving those children some like my own was easy but yet hard. My first nanny kid I was so close with, I cried for three months when it ended.  It was like my heart was ripped out of my chest. Letting people go and moving on from jobs was the toughest part.  I recently had an interview for two babies this fall as I contemplated going to grad school.  I loved the idea of it but inside I knew my heart couldn’t handle getting attached to a baby, let alone two if it wasn’t mine.  I ended nannying because I was to the point of wanting a new career but also my heart wasn’t into it anymore. Going home with empty arms every night was hard.  So many of them I still love and think about.  When I’m working at my desk I miss the freedom of being outside and doing fun projects. Nannying was an amazing career  So many mothers who have trusted me with their babies. It’s been an honor to work for incredible women.