I always thought I’d get married and have children when I was younger in my twenties but it didn’t happen that disappointment was hard. I pursued people until about 30 but after that started not caring as much. I didn’t have anyone to like! I didn’t meet people in school or while working as a nanny. I missed out on a lot of life because of my weight. Which I’m no longer letting hold me back.
Sitting in the background is what I’ve done for many years. I dated age 15 until I was around 22-23. I didn’t date because of my weight after that much. I was definitely interested in a lot of guys but they never worked out or always liked someone else. The friend zone is where I’m always at. The last time I was pursued by a man was in 2014 and that ended awkwardly. Plus kissing him was weird (ha) I just didn’t have physical chemistry with him. We were study partners in a college class he was 41, I was 30. I had also decided to move to Portland in just a few months. I guess I did have a guy interested in me at PCC in 2015. I literally used my brother on the phone pretending to be my boyfriend. He was obsessed with me in class 🥴😆. Online dating is a joke these days 1% of professing Christians are Christ followers, the greatest desire is just to find someone to have sex with then maybe find a relationship on that path. I’m not sleeping around!! So that brings the amount of people to a very tiny percentage that are in an age range I’m comfortable with.
When I think of myself I think of the movie shallow Hal. How he sees the larger woman as truly beautiful. In reality she is not the ideal Hollywood sized babe but he falls in love with her. He makes a connection and then sees her flaws of weight and is shocked. How could he of all people fall for a girl like that? Like she is less than because of her weight. Like she deserves less because of her size. This is absolutely untrue and something I deal with. Who is going to want me? I have loose skin, I don’t have a perfect body and never will.. That doesn’t make me worth less than another woman. My body is still worthy of love and attention I’m just patiently pursuing relationships at this point.
Society says I’m not beautiful and I’m not worthy of love because my body isn’t perfect. Well that isn’t what God says about me. That isn’t how I feel about myself anymore. I’m reading “So long Insecurities,” by Beth Moore. It’s such a good book! It’s helping me see those places in myself that I need to change and work on. Insecurity isn’t all about outward appearances and not conditional to American beauty standards.
I’ve been really bold lately in pursuing relationships with Men. Hey a few have been ruled out and one friend zoned me that I really like! That’s okay, one day I’ll meet a man who sees my worth and I’m excited for the future. I always stayed on the side before because I didn’t think anyone could want a fat chick who wasn’t confident in who she was. I used my outside appearance as a hinderance. Well now that I’m working on it and making healthier choices I’m not anywhere near being slender but I’m not afraid of what could be now. I’m not waiting around anymore. It hurts when people talk about your singleness when you’re in your mid 30’s. Sorry but don’t put pressure on single women. We have enough to deal with you have no idea what’s going on in our minds!
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