40 blogs at 40

I decided that I needed to shift my life and focus on making writing a priority this year. It is a love that I do not take the time for. So here I am one day after turning forty making a decision to bring my thoughts to life through the written word. So here is number 40 as I count down to 1. 

Forty, sheesh what does that mean for me? What is ahead? Taking a moment to appreciate the me of the past is something I am learning to enjoy rather than loathe. Instead of looking at all the mistakes and negative experiences, I am choosing to see the good. There is more good than the me of thirty would have thought. The trials and tribulations were hard emotionally but I am strong and resilient. Despite the emotionally taxing months and years, I am here on the other side. 

I had to learn in my darkest hour that my own thoughts are what held me back from freedom in Christ. My own beliefs about Christianity and how I was raised. Lies that I believed were preached or shared that I wrongfully latched onto. A mix of the world and religiosity took over my mind as thoughts and ideas were forming in the years when my brain was creating my identity. The true meaning of grace was something I did not understand fully. I do remember as a 21-year-old a time when I recognized someone I was close to abusing Grace. I felt so uncomfortable with that concept but did not know how to speak up about it. I was mainly under the impression that I had to earn God's favor and blessings even though I knew that it was by faith that I was saved and not by works. (Ephesians 2:8)  I had an idea that I needed to be perfect and knew that I would never reach that mark. I had to try and try to be the best Christian I could be on the outside while drowning on the inside with the guilt and shame for my sins. Letting go of the guilt and shame and letting God's Grace wash over me amid great sin was my changing point. I had to see myself as forgiven and free. I had to let the work Christ did on the cross be for me and not just for other people.

In the spring of this year, a friend showed me this song. It relates to the Enneagram 1. I am a 2, wing 1. I tend to have more weaknesses on the 1 side of things. It talks about the struggle of being a perfectionist and missing the mark yet that's not what God requires of us. 

https://youtu.be/-sO2UMoOaFQ?si=XIiYsAaxXw0hd5-N

verse

Hold on for a minute cuz I believe that we can fix this over time. 

That Every imperfection is a lie.

Or at least an interruption 

Now hold on let me finish, no I'm not saying perfect exists in this life

But we'll only know for certain if we try.

chorus 

I, I want to sing a song worth singing 

I, write an anthem worth repeating 

I, I want to feel the transformation. 

A melody of reformation

verse

The list goes on forever for all the ways I could be better in my mind 

As if I could earn God's favor given time 

Or at least congratulations. 

Now I have learned my lesson the price of this so called perfection is everything. 

I spend my whole life searching desperately, to find out that Grace requires nothing of me. 

chorus

I, I want to sing a song worth singing 

I, write an anthem worth repeating 

I, I want to feel the transformation 

A melody of reformation. 

verse

Now hold it all more loosely and yet somehow much more dearly 

Cuz I spent my whole life searching desperately 

To find out that Grace requires nothing, Grace requires nothing of me.  

Sleeping At Last "One"

How beautiful is that picture! All of this time I did not need to try and be perfect to be loved. I won't go into the physical picture of this or the way I put myself down so much for my appearance because it is not perfect and never will be in this blog. 

Remember no matter what you have done, are doing or how you view yourself the Lord loves you, gave himself up for you and extends grace to you each and every day. You do not need to stay in a place of living in guilt and shame any longer. 

 Love,

 Janette

On the eve of my 40th birthday.

Swirling chaos and overwhelmed she sits here with a thousand thoughts of how she wished the last forty years could have gone. The disappointment, hurt, anger, and sadness could weigh her down for the next forty if she let it. Each moment of pain stings in the depths of her soul. A mother’s heart with barren arms, a caring and kind woman with not a suiter. To the outside world, she looks empty and unfulfilled. The comments and stares, the pity and solemn glances bear down like a heavy glass closing in. She cries out and often feels like no one hears her. She tried and tried on her own and found only crumbs. She opened herself to people and found the pouring out just made her empty inside. The world haunted her every movement creeping in and pulling her towards the idea that she knows best. Most people never knowing the struggle and burden she held inside. The pull of darkness was much greater than the majority of those she has known could ever realize.  She takes a deep breath…

 

But God, he stepped in at just the right time. He continuously pursued her heart when she gave it to other people. He broke through the anguish and gave her fulfillment, kindness, and grace. She finally believed him and accepted his love without condition. She let go of the past and let go of what wasn’t for her. She stepped into the known conditions of love he had for her. The quiet confidence ever growing in who she is in Christ has become the rock on which she stands on. The tears of gratitude and deep appreciation for the cross and what it means to her so often stain her cheeks, rather than the unfulfilled mourning she used to be overwhelmed by.  Finding out she is more than enough but also not too much has given her peace. Loving who she is changed her life. Leaning into the promises of God and falling in love with her savior has been her joy and delight. Turning to the Lord just as he intended has completely rearranged her thought patterns. The stability has caused her to let go of the past. Loving who God made her to be instead of constantly criticizing herself has changed who she is.

 

She is smart and capable.

She is strong and adventurous.

She is helpful and loving.

She is wise and caring.

She is loved and valued

She is free and forgiven

SHE IS WORTHY

SHE IS ENOUGH

With gratitude and love for all of those who have spoken positively in my life!

Janette