The odd one out

 For most of my life, I have felt like the "different one."  In early life I was shy. I was sensitive and so much affected me deeply. At one point it was evident that I was different in elementary school, as I had a traumatic accident at age 8, the summer before third grade. I had to wear an eye patch, protective gear etc. As I grew older I just wanted to hide and not be looked at as weird with my goggles and thick glasses.  I didn't want to stand out, I didn't want to be me. I hid away under my weight gain. Hiding was life's purpose for several if not all of my adult life. Hiding was my way of coping, to deny that anything exists or is wrong was how I acted.  I didn't enjoy life whatsoever. It took many years and the seeds from my psychology classes that finally made me realize I needed mental help. The mental support the last few years has been incredible. From being broken to freedom was a long journey but incredibly worth it. There are still moments that sting though like this one. 

Sometimes even now I feel like the odd one out, the token fat girl in the crowd. I question people's thoughts toward me or see the pity in their eyes/faces. To be authentically me is difficult because other's expectations/beliefs play a part in their interactions with me.  To be present but yet not the same as those around you in some aspects carries a weight to it. I look very different than most. I am very obese and it is evident when in a crowd. I have been smaller and treated so vastly differently when I was. Currently, it has been incredibly difficult to lose weight no matter what I do, I shouldn't have to explain myself to others but I feel often that I have to.  I feel the small judgments or looks and hear the remarks to other people that have lost weight, like they are somehow better. So many put emphasis on the outward appearance and weight being the forefront that value is attached to it. Like somehow they are better at life. It is quite an off-putting feeling.

I was in a home recently of lovely people but I looked around and I am the one that stands out.  I am the one that is not looking like the crowd.  I am the one with the outward problem. People are kind of course to me but when you know they value "skinny" you feel somehow not on their level or good enough for them. I am not unaware or in denial about what my body looks like. I absolutely cannot fathom that I have gotten myself here again.  Why do I feel the way I do? Maybe because I see and hear comments that are made about weight, gyms, healthy, etc from people. I know people are not intentional with their focus on certain things directly to me but it doesn't feel nice. It makes me wonder how others are treated that aren't their friends or people in their family that are overweight. Do they see them as less than? Are they not good enough at their current weight? Why must the emphasis always be on "lose weight?" Can we not support and be kind without comments and judgments? Can the person be accepted at their current weight? Why must there always be this looming "I am on a weight loss journey" every moment of their waking day? It is a lot easier to make progress without pressure. 

I have worked so hard many times the last few years, just to crash with extreme fatigue. It is debilitating mentally to deal with what I do at times. I have to give up so many things I love, like the gym, pool, and hiking to recover. Work becomes the only thing I have to do and making it through the week can be exhausting. Just to find that I have become weaker than before or the weight is a little higher than I thought. I can celebrate all of the amazing things my body has done for me. I have foughten off cancerous cells, hypertonic muscles, long haul covid, asthma, upper airway inflamation syndrome, blood pressure issues, prolapse, hormone imbalances, horrid medications, plus any other regular things just in the last 3.5 years. My body is working hard daily to keep me here and alive. My labs are great, which is awesome. I have conquered so many things, biopsies, surgeries, long-haul crashes, etc. I have to celebrate my body and love it despite the appearance that so many find so ugly/unattractive. Being accepted as I am is something I seek. Yes, I can improve myself in many ways and always strive to do/be better but the focus on my life should not be my weight/size or physical appearance. I have to pull that energy into making myself healthy and weight loss is a part of that, I am not denying that but it cannot be the sole focus of my life. I am the same whether the number on the scale goes up or down any amount. I have value and worth despite the stares and pity I receive. I want to be loved for the woman I am not just the appearance I have. 

I have wrestled with insecurity in this area. It makes it easier to see going from extremely overweight to a huge weight loss to weight gain. It is embarassing and hurtful even to my own self.  I have sought help and continue to strive for a better healthier me. I suppose it is time to not let my own thoughts make me feel bad about myself. I don't want to feel like I should run away when I see people. I should walk in confidence and let the healing of Christ run over me. It is not easy to be in my position or my body. I wish things were different and I know there are many ways I can improve. "I am not good enough," is a phrase I have constantly had rattling in my head for way too long. It definitely has been roaring its head lately. Yes, I know I am overweight, yes it is a priority, yes I am good enough!