Limbo? What does that even mean?

Right now I feel on edge, a little anxious and maybe even worried-which is something I am not used to. I feel like crying for no solid reason. Nervousness is getting ahold of me while I should be trusting and relying on the Lord's provision. You may not believe in God but for me, my life has been entrusted to the one who saved my soul, Jesus!

I hate being in Limbo! You might ask me what does limbo even mean? So what did I do? Google it! Limbo means, "an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition. (Thanks google)"  

I am a person that only has the patience for a few things and waiting for feedback is not one of them! (Yes I am working on it) I applied for a great position 3 weeks ago and received an interview quickly, within a week they called asking me to fill out some paperwork and had called all of my references. I absolutely want this job and got excited about it. It is dependant on a process that takes 10-45 days. They were able to rush the paperwork and I turned my last required piece of the application in a week ago. I have access to the website that will show the result of the application and what happens during the process. Since last Thursday nothing has changed. I keep checking because I think by Friday the place of employment needs feedback or I will be passed up for this position. I am applying for more jobs as well. I even applied to one that I really would have loved an interview for and thought it would fit in my love of working with families. Sadly I wasn't viewed as someone who could do the job and my discussion with one of the hiring people didn't go very well. I felt that I was a little judged because I never heard back and applied over a month ago. I may not have had the exact experience for the job but I know I would do well at it.

In the last month, a lot of changes have happened. I did a wonderful internship and then bam one day about 5 weeks in I received an email that it had ended for some odd reason and then they said I could volunteer as an overnight host. I responded to the two people in charge of me asking for feedback and clarification. I did not receive an email from either one. It was very disappointing. I even applied for a position there. I am so sad. I put my 4-week notice into my job ending October 8th believing I would find a great job closer to the field my degree is in. I have been jobless for two weeks now. I didn't expect this time period. I know it takes time but I am just ready for something new.

Financially I prepared for October and have paid all of my bills just fine. I am doing side jobs for gas and food but November is quickly approaching and I need a paycheck by the 15th. I have rent covered. I am okay but the overwhelmingness of my decisions and changes is getting to me. I canceled all of my subscriptions to television and movie websites. I need to detox from distraction and getting lost in a tv show is not going to help me in the future. I also deleted some apps on my phone and just need a break from easy distractions. Today I stayed in bed too long but got up and cleaned my bathroom. Depression is easy to fall into and I am determined to not let it sink in.

I am very thankful to have had my nanny career for so long. Yes, I said career. Sadly someone scoffed at my wording of career and it was someone I even nannied for. That made me upset and it felt like I was inferior to them because my career was "just" watching children. You may not value the work I have done or think being a nanny is worth the wage I was paid or that it is a mindless job, but I could argue with you for days the opposite.

Trust, what does that look like for me? Do I truly rely on God? Am I giving up control and really believing in his faithfulness? These are the thoughts I am dwelling on today. Having faith over fear is where I am at. Believing that I will be provided for and it will be okay even if I do not have everything planned or in control. He is always on time!

Celebrating a wonderful life update to Raw Emotion

I just wanted to update. Sadly my friend's wonderful mother passed away in December. A few blogs back I talked about hearing for the first time of her battle with cancer. This wonderful lady was very instrumental in my life helping me to work through some emotional things and do some inner healing. She was a wonderful intercessor and I enjoyed my time in her home, as well as praying with her at the church. Her son is a great friend and I am so sad for him to lose not only his mom but one of his best friends. Thankful for her life on this earth although it was cut short.  Although I haven't attended church with her in over 4 years or talked to her in a while I will miss her. To my friend Matt as he mourns his mom, I wish you blessings and healing throughout this next season of life.  Love you friend! Glady heading down tomorrow for her celebration of life!

Christine Valladao you will be missed!

Am I authentic in my relationships?

First off I cannot get enough of this song!
https://youtu.be/nuLcXw7B5lQ

Secondly, I miss my social media! I currently am doing a media fast and while it is helpful, I find myself missing the daily musings of my so-called friends on Facebook. I miss Instagram friends as well but more their pictures and glimpses of how they do life. I enjoy peering into other peoples lives even if we are not close or see each other in person.  There is something about social media that seems to connect and divide us at the same time. Without it, I feel very disconnected from the outside world. I do not watch or read the news and have no idea what is going on in the world at the moment other than a few articles on yahoo.com about the government shut down.  I have no idea what is going on in several peoples lives and that is okay. I feel like it has shown me who my true friends are. People who have taken the time to text, call or message me have shown that they care about me outside of social media. In reality, it is a very small select few and that makes me a little sad but at the same time happy for the ones who are in my life. It makes me question whether I am a good friend? Do I take the time to contact people outside of Facebook and Instagram? I had coffee or a meal with four people in the last 3 weeks that I haven't seen in a while or gone out with before. It was refreshing to meet with friends face to face.  My goal is to nurture those relationships in 2019. To stop being on the surface and connect with people. Just right now I thought of someone I should see and texted her! Face to face relationships should mean more to me than virtual ones.

Third and last, I loved my life in Medford, my friends, families I nannied for, church family, and fellow classmates. I have lived in the Portland metro area for over four years. The first two were the hardest and I missed my life so much but now I do not yearn for anything other than what I have now. I have a hard time transitioning from one are to the next because I want to be in relationship with people and enjoy my time. Cultivating friendships is hard, especially without a stable church life. I have gone to my church for almost a year and enjoyed it so much more than I thought I could. It has taken time and effort but I am content at the moment. I craved having good friends for a long time. I have a few here and it has felt like home for about 6 months. I am so thankful to be in such a good place in life at the moment.

Raw emotion

Driving home from a quick trip to Southern Oregon to see some adorable twins my friend just had, I found out about someone I very much respect and look up to has a medical diagnosis and is enduring severe complications. I was flooded with tears as I drove toward home that first hour through the smoke in the mountains from a local forest fire.  I was angry at the devil and shocked at not knowing that it was going on and has been for a few months. My heart broke for her family and I could not contain the tears.  Just as I was celebrating the new life of these beautiful twins, she is fighting for hers. If you are reading this say a prayer for her! God knows who she is without her name!

The sermon that Sunday morning was from a wonderful woman who shares truth and one thing she said challenged me. She talked about the true real love of Jesus and how we live our lives. If I really and truly am in Love with the Lord then how could I do something I know is wrong? That was super convicting for me. I haven't been praying or reading the word. I haven't been living my life the way I preach that I do or even the way I think I should or the way I think other people should live. I drove home praying and thinking on what areas in my life I need to change. Do I reflect my highest morals and beliefs? It is truly humbling to reflect on yourself.  Perhaps some of those tears were my heart of repentance and just desire to be closer to Jesus. 

If you are at a place where you cannot explain why you are messing up in certain areas or not spending enough time with the Lord, take a moment to ask for forgiveness and let his Grace overflow in your life. Remember that his Love is unconditional and he isn't far away from you at any moment, even if you can't "feel" it. Reach out and take hold of his promise that he is always Faithful!!!

love to each of you in Christ 

Listen to your gut when it comes to your body and getting a massage!

This is why we as women need to stick up for ourselves, here is my story...

Just a few weeks ago I was suffering from low back pain really severely. Thankfully I had a massage already scheduled for the next day.  I had purchased it through Groupon weeks before and picked a random Saturday afternoon to receive it. I had to choose between a guy and a gal, I chose the guy based on my sister's recommendation as she saw him the week before. I received an hour massage where the masseuse, let's call him Max, asked me questions about what areas of my body needed attention. I have several areas that are tight and explained what I wanted.

About a month before I was doing wall push-ups and hurt my chest muscles. I had severe pain, especially on the left breast. When I first laid down on the massage table face down it hurt a little. We were chatting and after turning on my back Max offered to do a chest massage it was professional and totally fine. I have not exposed my breast to a man in several years so it was a little weird for me but it is their job to see me as a client (Although looking up rules about it he should have used a sheet).  I went on my way after some neck massage and everything was fine.  I then began to question if it was okay for me to let a man massage my chest. No, it wasn't on the nipples just around and above but some breast was touched as well. I asked another masseuse who happens to be my friend who is in massage school, she said using a sheet was fine and that they had practiced it in class just a few months before.  I asked her what she thought about it being moral or not because we value our privacy and touch is so intimate. She said it really has to do with what you are comfortable with. I had some things to ponder before I had a second massage. I went back and forth justifying it in my mind that it was okay.

Yesterday I went in for my second massage, an even longer one at 90 minutes.  I was looking forward to it.  Everything was fine and then I turned over and Max asked if I wanted massage done on my chest again. I said yes because it really is tight. It was sporadic and my nipple was grazed. I felt like it was odd and not professional like the last time.  Then the next side was done and the same thing. I just thought it was because of time or whatever. My massage ended 10 minutes later. I paid and left and then thought it was fine but couldn't shake a creepy feeling. I questioned myself if I was overreacting or just making it up in my head that it wasn't okay.  I looked up Oregon massage reporting and rules. Most states say a sheet needs to be used.  I didn't feel like I needed to report him to anything.

I texted the gal about it who also happens to be his fiance. They own the company together and share an office with massage rooms. I had been texting her to set up the appointments.  She is a masseuse and deserved to know. She was kind and offered a free massage. I do not want to go there again. What if other women are feeling uncomfortable but not speaking up? Is he really a weirdo creep or just doing his job? I do not know but I needed to follow my gut and speak up for myself. The gal apologized for his work making me uncomfortable and asked how she could help in the situation. She was professional and understanding. I hope this is just a fluke thing and not the beginning of women complaining. I will not be back to this massage business. I recommended that he use a sheet in the future.

Yes, this may seem like a small trivial thing to you but it wasn't something to take lightly for me. Listen to your gut. Listen to your instincts.

A little bit of everything

I wrote a Facebook post this evening summing up my day... "feeling emotional, Whew... What a hard day!"  My friend Rebecca commented, "speak," to which I replied, "a little bit of everything." It just is that.

Here is my list of everything's:

~ Went to bed later than normal and didn't get a proper nights sleep, so I woke up tired this morning.
~ I have been struggling for a few weeks with my eating habits and keeping my calorie count, as well as gluten free in check.
~ I don't have a job in 2 weeks and have to register for PortlandCC classes tomorrow.
~ The pressure is building and subconsciously I am not handling it well.
~ I am an emotional wreck inside, as my time with these kids ends very soon.
~ The thought of leaving this place and people behind brings tears streaking down my face often, and even now as I type.
~ I cry almost everyday and often while driving to work.
~ I am so behind where I wanted to be on losing weight, that I beat myself up.
(Its like something comes over me and I can't fight it when overeating)
~ I am failing in two areas of my life that are like thorns in my side and it makes me sad. 
~ I need to read my bible more and meditate on Gods word.
~ It is hard to be excited about the unknown and it is a weird feeling to be happy to move, but yet sad to go and scared at the same time.
~ I feel like I have lost it...
~ To top it off, I am having a really hard time in my math class just this week.  I have three tests in the next three weeks. 
~ I am turning 30 in 2 months AH!!!!!!!
~ I know I am to move to Portland and that I have heard from God about it.
~ I have had a smooth transition to the college and that has helped.
~ It has been easy to get rid of my things and just pass them on to new people
~ I have people who love me and will miss me (such a nice thought)
~ I am not losing it... What I feel and reality are different right now.

One of the most profound things ever spoken to me was "What if it's not about how you feel?" UM- Life changing!  I am not doing a good job of putting that into practice right now.  I am letting my emotions dictate how I feel, therefore, resulting in letting go of the rest of my life, because I can't handle it without food.  I have always been an emotional eater.  The last year has been my biggest effort at changing it.  As of right now, I am at 290lbs, which is so good compared to before.  I fail to see my progress and start the whole cycle of being sad and eating because of it. It is a hard habit to kick after 20+ years.  It's like my emotions dictate my life, instead of my life dictating my emotions.  I hate that feeling, like I am helpless and like I need to fill a void with food, but it never gets filled, no matter what I do.  I recognize it quicker than before, which is a blessing, but I haven't overcome it yet. 

I've got to see that I am worth it and the amount of effort I put into myself will yield results.  Looking at the little pieces of life, instead of the bigger picture screws up your view.  I've got to learn to LET IT GO... Ha, yes the theme of a birthday party I am attending in a few days.  But it's true.  I can't hold all of this inside anymore.  I've got to process my emotions and give it all to the Lord.  To daily renew my mind and let him lead. 

I am just now open to applying for different jobs than I would have.  It is scary to think about being a live-out and finding a place to rent, but if that is what's needed God will provide.  :)

Life Lessons

Found this on Facebook and thought it was a good lesson to learn!