Missing what I always wanted.

 I always thought I’d get married and have children when I was younger in my twenties but it didn’t happen  that disappointment was hard. I pursued people until about 30 but after that started not caring as much. I didn’t have anyone to like! I didn’t meet people in school or while working as a nanny. I missed out on a lot of life because of my weight. Which I’m no longer letting hold me back. 

Sitting in the background is what I’ve done for many years. I dated age 15 until I was around 22-23. I didn’t date because of my weight after that much. I was definitely interested in a lot of guys but they never worked out or always liked someone else.  The friend zone is where I’m always at.  The last time I was pursued by a man was in 2014 and that ended awkwardly. Plus kissing him was weird  (ha) I just didn’t have physical chemistry with him. We were study partners in a college class he was 41, I was 30. I had also decided to move to Portland in just a few months. I guess I did have a guy interested in me at PCC in 2015. I literally used my brother on the phone pretending to be my boyfriend.  He was obsessed with me in class 🥴😆.    Online dating is a joke these days 1% of professing Christians are Christ followers, the greatest desire is just to find someone to have sex with then maybe find a relationship on that path. I’m not sleeping around!! So that brings the amount of people to a very tiny percentage that are in an age range I’m comfortable with.  

When I think of myself I think of the movie shallow Hal. How he sees the larger woman as truly beautiful.  In reality she is not the ideal Hollywood sized babe but he falls in love with her.  He makes a connection and then sees her flaws of weight and is shocked.  How could he of all people fall for a girl like that?  Like she is less than because of her weight. Like she deserves less because of her size.  This is absolutely untrue and  something I deal with. Who is going to want me? I have loose skin, I don’t have a perfect body and never will.. That doesn’t make me worth less than another woman. My body is still worthy of love and attention  I’m just patiently pursuing relationships at this point.

Society says I’m not beautiful and I’m not worthy of love because my body isn’t perfect. Well that isn’t what God says about me. That isn’t how I feel about myself anymore. I’m reading “So long Insecurities,” by Beth Moore. It’s such a good book! It’s helping me see those places in myself that I need to change and work on.   Insecurity isn’t all about outward appearances and not conditional to American beauty standards. 

I’ve been really bold lately in pursuing relationships with Men. Hey a few have been ruled out and one friend zoned me that I really like! That’s okay, one day I’ll meet a man who sees my worth and I’m excited for the future.  I always stayed on the side before because I didn’t think anyone could want a fat chick who wasn’t confident in who she was. I used my outside appearance as a hinderance.  Well now that I’m working on it and making healthier choices I’m not anywhere near being slender but I’m not afraid of what could be now.  I’m not waiting around anymore.  It hurts when people talk about your singleness when you’re in your mid 30’s.  Sorry but don’t put pressure on single women. We have enough to deal with you have no idea what’s going on in our minds! 

Who am I, Fat?

I’ve always known who I was as a fat person, but I hid behind my sweatshirts, changed to skirts because I hated my appearance and wanted to feel and look more feminine.  Jeans were not right for my body type. Large stomach and smaller butt squished to confinement isn’t comfortable or flattering. I felt like a fish out of water much of the time.  I longed to join in activities and do things other people could do but was tired and didn’t feel good almost daily. I longed to just feel normal. I let my fat hold me back from living so much of my life.  I wanted to visit people I loved and missed so many times but for fear of not looking great, I didn’t call or go to see them.  I have huge desires to hike so many places and even parts of the pacific crest trail. I want to run freely without injuries. I love swimming and exercising in the pool  but when you’re so overweight it is hard to start doing any of those things. The ideal me is a swimmer, enjoys going out with friends, can go to various waterfalls and hike around them, doesn’t get tired walking around after just a little while on the beach, can sit on an airplane seat without an extended buckle and isn’t afraid of what other people think about her body. 

When I started a huge change in my life using myfitnesspal 2013-14 and working out I lost a lot of weight and inches and looked pretty good. But I didn’t deal with the mental side of losing weight and every winter I got depressed with Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I didn’t know how to get out of my slump and would eat my feelings and stay in my room a lot more. I still cannot believe the amount of food I used to eat, even just a few years ago. Shrinking my stomach has been a long process but I found ways that are working. I would always gain during the Christmas holiday and couldn’t get back on track. My weight has gone up and down hundreds of times. I look at photos of myself and still see that huge person despite 75+ lbs gone! It’s hard to see the changes in my body even though my clothes are fitting looser and I have to replace a lot of them. My largest pants size was 26 and 4x shirt that were both big but I could wear them just fine. I do not know my highest weight but know 351 for sure, not weighing is an issue I deal with to avoid the truth. I’m under 300 now and have been for a while. I have been steadily declining the last few years.  Taking the weight off quickly wasn’t something I wanted to do. Most of the time people just gain it back. After hearing so many not good weightloss surgery stories I didn’t want to go down that path either. I want my body to do what it was designed to do and work it’s self out. 

As an adolescent I was judged and even put down on subtle ways from those around me. Suggestions of losing weight do not help an overweight person. Telling them about so and so overweight person with health issues doesn’t help. The number one support they need is mental and emotional support. There is always a reason behind the weight gain and most of the time it is trauma. Help them work through issues invite them to do fun things.  I have watched people treat my skinny sister so differently than myself. When you’re overweight you become the background to someone else’s story most likely. Nutrition is a huge part of weight gain. I’ve learned a lot in recent months and have started my own journey to health several times. Now it is different as I’m working with a doctor and do not want to go on medication. I now am Keto and low carb.  My body is eating it’s own fat. It’s amazing to see the changes in my body.  If you have  an overweight child get them counseling  encourage them to find a hobby, seriously limit the sugar in your home and eat less grains. The American way of eating sugar constantly is so unhealthy and detrimental to your family and children’s health. Use fruit as the sugar in your home not candy and desserts. Granola bars most of them are basically candy with the same sugar content. Apples with almond butter and cinnamon are perfect as dessert. Seriously consider throwing out the sugar and limiting candy to just a holiday or celebration. Also do not reward or punish your children with food. Don’t control their every waking food choice either. Suggestion would be to take a clear bin and label it their name choose some fruit veggies and snacks for it, when they are hungry and need a snack that is the bin for the day. Great way to have them choose the veggies and fruit or other alternative. Life long habits start at day 0 of your life! Look at baby food packaging... why do infants need added sugar in their food? Herbs gets them hooked on sugar right from the beginning! Look up Baby Led Weaning and you’ll thank me later! 

I gained the attention of not so great guys because they know women of a larger size do not get much attention and when they do they fall for the flattery or are conned to feel beautiful but all the man wants is sex.  Time and time again I make a connection and it comes to that subject and it’s pushed to the forefront of the friendship or relationship.  I am so glad I chose to stop looking for love in all the wrong places.  I shouldn’t have to compromise my beliefs for someone. I know physical attraction is huge for men and I’m working on my appearance but the inside is just as important as the outside. Unfortunately most men don’t see me as attractive and that’s just how it is. Finding a good man is my goal for this next year or so.  Someone who truly can value my friendship and also sees my journey to a healthier me as important.   

Now that I’m on my way I have new things to think about. In the weight loss journey I’m rediscovering who I am and what I like   What new things should I try? I’ve always wanted a banana boat bike, a pink or yellow one! A classic Schwinn bike with a basket.  Could be fun? I’m not sure but it’s time to get out of my comfort zone and put some dancing shoes or hiking boots on. I just have to find people to try new things with, not always fun on my own! I absolutely love swimming still and can never leave that. 

Limbo? What does that even mean?

Right now I feel on edge, a little anxious and maybe even worried-which is something I am not used to. I feel like crying for no solid reason. Nervousness is getting ahold of me while I should be trusting and relying on the Lord's provision. You may not believe in God but for me, my life has been entrusted to the one who saved my soul, Jesus!

I hate being in Limbo! You might ask me what does limbo even mean? So what did I do? Google it! Limbo means, "an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition. (Thanks google)"  

I am a person that only has the patience for a few things and waiting for feedback is not one of them! (Yes I am working on it) I applied for a great position 3 weeks ago and received an interview quickly, within a week they called asking me to fill out some paperwork and had called all of my references. I absolutely want this job and got excited about it. It is dependant on a process that takes 10-45 days. They were able to rush the paperwork and I turned my last required piece of the application in a week ago. I have access to the website that will show the result of the application and what happens during the process. Since last Thursday nothing has changed. I keep checking because I think by Friday the place of employment needs feedback or I will be passed up for this position. I am applying for more jobs as well. I even applied to one that I really would have loved an interview for and thought it would fit in my love of working with families. Sadly I wasn't viewed as someone who could do the job and my discussion with one of the hiring people didn't go very well. I felt that I was a little judged because I never heard back and applied over a month ago. I may not have had the exact experience for the job but I know I would do well at it.

In the last month, a lot of changes have happened. I did a wonderful internship and then bam one day about 5 weeks in I received an email that it had ended for some odd reason and then they said I could volunteer as an overnight host. I responded to the two people in charge of me asking for feedback and clarification. I did not receive an email from either one. It was very disappointing. I even applied for a position there. I am so sad. I put my 4-week notice into my job ending October 8th believing I would find a great job closer to the field my degree is in. I have been jobless for two weeks now. I didn't expect this time period. I know it takes time but I am just ready for something new.

Financially I prepared for October and have paid all of my bills just fine. I am doing side jobs for gas and food but November is quickly approaching and I need a paycheck by the 15th. I have rent covered. I am okay but the overwhelmingness of my decisions and changes is getting to me. I canceled all of my subscriptions to television and movie websites. I need to detox from distraction and getting lost in a tv show is not going to help me in the future. I also deleted some apps on my phone and just need a break from easy distractions. Today I stayed in bed too long but got up and cleaned my bathroom. Depression is easy to fall into and I am determined to not let it sink in.

I am very thankful to have had my nanny career for so long. Yes, I said career. Sadly someone scoffed at my wording of career and it was someone I even nannied for. That made me upset and it felt like I was inferior to them because my career was "just" watching children. You may not value the work I have done or think being a nanny is worth the wage I was paid or that it is a mindless job, but I could argue with you for days the opposite.

Trust, what does that look like for me? Do I truly rely on God? Am I giving up control and really believing in his faithfulness? These are the thoughts I am dwelling on today. Having faith over fear is where I am at. Believing that I will be provided for and it will be okay even if I do not have everything planned or in control. He is always on time!

Celebrating a wonderful life update to Raw Emotion

I just wanted to update. Sadly my friend's wonderful mother passed away in December. A few blogs back I talked about hearing for the first time of her battle with cancer. This wonderful lady was very instrumental in my life helping me to work through some emotional things and do some inner healing. She was a wonderful intercessor and I enjoyed my time in her home, as well as praying with her at the church. Her son is a great friend and I am so sad for him to lose not only his mom but one of his best friends. Thankful for her life on this earth although it was cut short.  Although I haven't attended church with her in over 4 years or talked to her in a while I will miss her. To my friend Matt as he mourns his mom, I wish you blessings and healing throughout this next season of life.  Love you friend! Glady heading down tomorrow for her celebration of life!

Christine Valladao you will be missed!

Am I authentic in my relationships?

First off I cannot get enough of this song!
https://youtu.be/nuLcXw7B5lQ

Secondly, I miss my social media! I currently am doing a media fast and while it is helpful, I find myself missing the daily musings of my so-called friends on Facebook. I miss Instagram friends as well but more their pictures and glimpses of how they do life. I enjoy peering into other peoples lives even if we are not close or see each other in person.  There is something about social media that seems to connect and divide us at the same time. Without it, I feel very disconnected from the outside world. I do not watch or read the news and have no idea what is going on in the world at the moment other than a few articles on yahoo.com about the government shut down.  I have no idea what is going on in several peoples lives and that is okay. I feel like it has shown me who my true friends are. People who have taken the time to text, call or message me have shown that they care about me outside of social media. In reality, it is a very small select few and that makes me a little sad but at the same time happy for the ones who are in my life. It makes me question whether I am a good friend? Do I take the time to contact people outside of Facebook and Instagram? I had coffee or a meal with four people in the last 3 weeks that I haven't seen in a while or gone out with before. It was refreshing to meet with friends face to face.  My goal is to nurture those relationships in 2019. To stop being on the surface and connect with people. Just right now I thought of someone I should see and texted her! Face to face relationships should mean more to me than virtual ones.

Third and last, I loved my life in Medford, my friends, families I nannied for, church family, and fellow classmates. I have lived in the Portland metro area for over four years. The first two were the hardest and I missed my life so much but now I do not yearn for anything other than what I have now. I have a hard time transitioning from one are to the next because I want to be in relationship with people and enjoy my time. Cultivating friendships is hard, especially without a stable church life. I have gone to my church for almost a year and enjoyed it so much more than I thought I could. It has taken time and effort but I am content at the moment. I craved having good friends for a long time. I have a few here and it has felt like home for about 6 months. I am so thankful to be in such a good place in life at the moment.

Raw emotion

Driving home from a quick trip to Southern Oregon to see some adorable twins my friend just had, I found out about someone I very much respect and look up to has a medical diagnosis and is enduring severe complications. I was flooded with tears as I drove toward home that first hour through the smoke in the mountains from a local forest fire.  I was angry at the devil and shocked at not knowing that it was going on and has been for a few months. My heart broke for her family and I could not contain the tears.  Just as I was celebrating the new life of these beautiful twins, she is fighting for hers. If you are reading this say a prayer for her! God knows who she is without her name!

The sermon that Sunday morning was from a wonderful woman who shares truth and one thing she said challenged me. She talked about the true real love of Jesus and how we live our lives. If I really and truly am in Love with the Lord then how could I do something I know is wrong? That was super convicting for me. I haven't been praying or reading the word. I haven't been living my life the way I preach that I do or even the way I think I should or the way I think other people should live. I drove home praying and thinking on what areas in my life I need to change. Do I reflect my highest morals and beliefs? It is truly humbling to reflect on yourself.  Perhaps some of those tears were my heart of repentance and just desire to be closer to Jesus. 

If you are at a place where you cannot explain why you are messing up in certain areas or not spending enough time with the Lord, take a moment to ask for forgiveness and let his Grace overflow in your life. Remember that his Love is unconditional and he isn't far away from you at any moment, even if you can't "feel" it. Reach out and take hold of his promise that he is always Faithful!!!

love to each of you in Christ 

Listen to your gut when it comes to your body and getting a massage!

This is why we as women need to stick up for ourselves, here is my story...

Just a few weeks ago I was suffering from low back pain really severely. Thankfully I had a massage already scheduled for the next day.  I had purchased it through Groupon weeks before and picked a random Saturday afternoon to receive it. I had to choose between a guy and a gal, I chose the guy based on my sister's recommendation as she saw him the week before. I received an hour massage where the masseuse, let's call him Max, asked me questions about what areas of my body needed attention. I have several areas that are tight and explained what I wanted.

About a month before I was doing wall push-ups and hurt my chest muscles. I had severe pain, especially on the left breast. When I first laid down on the massage table face down it hurt a little. We were chatting and after turning on my back Max offered to do a chest massage it was professional and totally fine. I have not exposed my breast to a man in several years so it was a little weird for me but it is their job to see me as a client (Although looking up rules about it he should have used a sheet).  I went on my way after some neck massage and everything was fine.  I then began to question if it was okay for me to let a man massage my chest. No, it wasn't on the nipples just around and above but some breast was touched as well. I asked another masseuse who happens to be my friend who is in massage school, she said using a sheet was fine and that they had practiced it in class just a few months before.  I asked her what she thought about it being moral or not because we value our privacy and touch is so intimate. She said it really has to do with what you are comfortable with. I had some things to ponder before I had a second massage. I went back and forth justifying it in my mind that it was okay.

Yesterday I went in for my second massage, an even longer one at 90 minutes.  I was looking forward to it.  Everything was fine and then I turned over and Max asked if I wanted massage done on my chest again. I said yes because it really is tight. It was sporadic and my nipple was grazed. I felt like it was odd and not professional like the last time.  Then the next side was done and the same thing. I just thought it was because of time or whatever. My massage ended 10 minutes later. I paid and left and then thought it was fine but couldn't shake a creepy feeling. I questioned myself if I was overreacting or just making it up in my head that it wasn't okay.  I looked up Oregon massage reporting and rules. Most states say a sheet needs to be used.  I didn't feel like I needed to report him to anything.

I texted the gal about it who also happens to be his fiance. They own the company together and share an office with massage rooms. I had been texting her to set up the appointments.  She is a masseuse and deserved to know. She was kind and offered a free massage. I do not want to go there again. What if other women are feeling uncomfortable but not speaking up? Is he really a weirdo creep or just doing his job? I do not know but I needed to follow my gut and speak up for myself. The gal apologized for his work making me uncomfortable and asked how she could help in the situation. She was professional and understanding. I hope this is just a fluke thing and not the beginning of women complaining. I will not be back to this massage business. I recommended that he use a sheet in the future.

Yes, this may seem like a small trivial thing to you but it wasn't something to take lightly for me. Listen to your gut. Listen to your instincts.