40 blogs at 40

I decided that I needed to shift my life and focus on making writing a priority this year. It is a love that I do not take the time for. So here I am one day after turning forty making a decision to bring my thoughts to life through the written word. So here is number 40 as I count down to 1. 

Forty, sheesh what does that mean for me? What is ahead? Taking a moment to appreciate the me of the past is something I am learning to enjoy rather than loathe. Instead of looking at all the mistakes and negative experiences, I am choosing to see the good. There is more good than the me of thirty would have thought. The trials and tribulations were hard emotionally but I am strong and resilient. Despite the emotionally taxing months and years, I am here on the other side. 

I had to learn in my darkest hour that my own thoughts are what held me back from freedom in Christ. My own beliefs about Christianity and how I was raised. Lies that I believed were preached or shared that I wrongfully latched onto. A mix of the world and religiosity took over my mind as thoughts and ideas were forming in the years when my brain was creating my identity. The true meaning of grace was something I did not understand fully. I do remember as a 21-year-old a time when I recognized someone I was close to abusing Grace. I felt so uncomfortable with that concept but did not know how to speak up about it. I was mainly under the impression that I had to earn God's favor and blessings even though I knew that it was by faith that I was saved and not by works. (Ephesians 2:8)  I had an idea that I needed to be perfect and knew that I would never reach that mark. I had to try and try to be the best Christian I could be on the outside while drowning on the inside with the guilt and shame for my sins. Letting go of the guilt and shame and letting God's Grace wash over me amid great sin was my changing point. I had to see myself as forgiven and free. I had to let the work Christ did on the cross be for me and not just for other people.

In the spring of this year, a friend showed me this song. It relates to the Enneagram 1. I am a 2, wing 1. I tend to have more weaknesses on the 1 side of things. It talks about the struggle of being a perfectionist and missing the mark yet that's not what God requires of us. 

https://youtu.be/-sO2UMoOaFQ?si=XIiYsAaxXw0hd5-N

verse

Hold on for a minute cuz I believe that we can fix this over time. 

That Every imperfection is a lie.

Or at least an interruption 

Now hold on let me finish, no I'm not saying perfect exists in this life

But we'll only know for certain if we try.

chorus 

I, I want to sing a song worth singing 

I, write an anthem worth repeating 

I, I want to feel the transformation. 

A melody of reformation

verse

The list goes on forever for all the ways I could be better in my mind 

As if I could earn God's favor given time 

Or at least congratulations. 

Now I have learned my lesson the price of this so called perfection is everything. 

I spend my whole life searching desperately, to find out that Grace requires nothing of me. 

chorus

I, I want to sing a song worth singing 

I, write an anthem worth repeating 

I, I want to feel the transformation 

A melody of reformation. 

verse

Now hold it all more loosely and yet somehow much more dearly 

Cuz I spent my whole life searching desperately 

To find out that Grace requires nothing, Grace requires nothing of me.  

Sleeping At Last "One"

How beautiful is that picture! All of this time I did not need to try and be perfect to be loved. I won't go into the physical picture of this or the way I put myself down so much for my appearance because it is not perfect and never will be in this blog. 

Remember no matter what you have done, are doing or how you view yourself the Lord loves you, gave himself up for you and extends grace to you each and every day. You do not need to stay in a place of living in guilt and shame any longer. 

 Love,

 Janette

On the eve of my 40th birthday.

Swirling chaos and overwhelmed she sits here with a thousand thoughts of how she wished the last forty years could have gone. The disappointment, hurt, anger, and sadness could weigh her down for the next forty if she let it. Each moment of pain stings in the depths of her soul. A mother’s heart with barren arms, a caring and kind woman with not a suiter. To the outside world, she looks empty and unfulfilled. The comments and stares, the pity and solemn glances bear down like a heavy glass closing in. She cries out and often feels like no one hears her. She tried and tried on her own and found only crumbs. She opened herself to people and found the pouring out just made her empty inside. The world haunted her every movement creeping in and pulling her towards the idea that she knows best. Most people never knowing the struggle and burden she held inside. The pull of darkness was much greater than the majority of those she has known could ever realize.  She takes a deep breath…

 

But God, he stepped in at just the right time. He continuously pursued her heart when she gave it to other people. He broke through the anguish and gave her fulfillment, kindness, and grace. She finally believed him and accepted his love without condition. She let go of the past and let go of what wasn’t for her. She stepped into the known conditions of love he had for her. The quiet confidence ever growing in who she is in Christ has become the rock on which she stands on. The tears of gratitude and deep appreciation for the cross and what it means to her so often stain her cheeks, rather than the unfulfilled mourning she used to be overwhelmed by.  Finding out she is more than enough but also not too much has given her peace. Loving who she is changed her life. Leaning into the promises of God and falling in love with her savior has been her joy and delight. Turning to the Lord just as he intended has completely rearranged her thought patterns. The stability has caused her to let go of the past. Loving who God made her to be instead of constantly criticizing herself has changed who she is.

 

She is smart and capable.

She is strong and adventurous.

She is helpful and loving.

She is wise and caring.

She is loved and valued

She is free and forgiven

SHE IS WORTHY

SHE IS ENOUGH

With gratitude and love for all of those who have spoken positively in my life!

Janette

My least favorite day!

 Mother's Day 2023,

This is my least favorite holiday. It is a reminder of what I long for but do not have. Another year has gone by and I am not closer to being a mom. As long as I can remember the desire of my heart was to be a mother. I played with dolls long past the time a child should. I nannied for 16 years longer than most. My heart broke as I left each family and I couldn't take it anymore. I sit here with tear-stained cheeks and an ache for what others have. During the pandemic, so many complained as I was alone wishing I had my own little family to take care of.  My longing may not seem like a big deal to others but it is to me. I have always felt like my purpose on the earth was to be a mother. My mom had 4 children by age 25. I am 38.5 with 0, not where I thought I would be. 

I have dated in the last year but nothing worked out. So many women are in the same place I am:; single, late 30s/early 40s, no children... Please stop asking us when we are getting married and having children! It does not help and is a constant reminder that we are still single. I have actively pursued relationships, not out of desperation but genuinely wanting a life partner. I got off of dating apps about a year ago, they lead to much wasted time and deceptive men.  I can't make a man love me, I cannot make them interested. Many do not want more children at this point, most claim to be Christians but do not respect honoring the Lord with their bodies, some aren't attracted to me and that is okay. Finding a God-fearing Christian man that is older and interested in me just hasn't happened yet. Sometimes it is weary and doesn't feel fair but I am not giving up.   

My last grandparent by blood passed away this week. I grieved the loss of my grandparents never seeing me married or having babies. My gram and gramp loved babies and their family so very deeply. Gram wished that for me and every so often asked for it.  I cannot control someone else's interest or disinterest in me. I have prayed for my future and have focused on my relationship with the Lord tremendously in the last year. I wept knowing they would never see my children. I cannot change that they won't be here but I can pass their love and stories on. 

As I went through my medical issues with my uterus the last few years. I went through a plethora of emotions surrounding the possibility of never carrying a child. I was told by a man I was interested in that it wasn't as big of a deal as a husband and wife going through it together. That was painful, I didn't know if I would ever get the chance and there he was putting down my hurt and discrediting how I felt. I want to try for a baby and the years for that are dwindling. God knows my heart and my desires. I would also like to adopt. Adopting is a huge passion of mine and taking care of children is something I will always be involved in. Speaking into future generations is important to me.  

Another side to all of this is the medical field. The comments, questions, and statements made to my face have been hurtful and unkind. Questioning my age, my desires, and my longing to not do this alone. I do not feel comfortable or that it is right to have a baby on my own. That is not God's design and I will not bring a child into this world knowing they would only have one parent. I do not desire to be a single mom right now. I think children deserve a mother and father. I am not discrediting anyone who does it alone or is a single parent at all. For myself, I cannot condone birthing a baby alone. There is pressure from so many places to do it now but that is out of my control. 

I am not looking for sympathy. I am not lonely, I have found incredible happiness in the Lord this year. I have worked hard on having healthy relationships with men and boundaries. I have cultivated new friendships and found people that want to know me. I have loved my Job more than ever before. I have allowed myself to feel and express my emotions in new ways. I have so much freedom in Christ and am walking in it compared to the past. I have many blessings and am not complaining about this. Just being honest in this season of life and where I am at. 

Janette 

No one talks about the layers of trauma

 I’ve been delving into processing my childhood trauma for a few years. Once you think you’ve gotten through the worst a new layer seems to be peeled off. Tonight I had an unexpected protective factor come to the surface.  I couldn’t contain my overwhelming emotional response and didn’t see it coming. Just when all is right with the world another trigger pops up and I am forced to do the inner work. 

My last blog talks about my realization of where my tense physical state comes from, if you haven't read it go back and read it first. I’ve been doing many things to work on not constantly staying in a tense physical state, most recently continuing massages. I enjoy them despite some pain. They can be relaxing but also very therapeutic. My insurance offers twelve a year with a co-pay of $25.  I began in late fall and have enjoyed them. Tonight I saw a woman for the second time and she’s incredible at working the muscles in ways that are not for just relaxing but stretching and working deeply without crazy pressure. We laugh at how she has to tell me to let go and relax. I have a hard time letting go enough to just let her go for it. We talk and I’m comfortable with her. She is knowledgeable and I know I’m there for body work, not just a fun massage. I was very tense/sore in my legs from a workout Tuesday night. We started on my quads and she did some inner thigh work and I was fine. We joked about how we just don’t care anymore when it comes to being self-conscious about our bodies and I shared nannying stories about one particular little girl who had to touch my chest to fall asleep.  I just don’t worry about people touching me anymore. She said it was mainly a mom thing and could understand how being a nanny you sort of don’t have personal space boundaries with infants and toddlers. She was great and right at the end went to work on my hamstrings. I couldn’t relax my leg and felt myself tense up. I then realized it was a protective factor after I told her I’m tense because of trauma. My body was protecting me and stayed tense so I was keenly aware of what was happening. What was shocking was that the front was totally fine for her to work on, but the hamstrings in the back were triggering. She asked how I was doing? And I burst into tears. I got this whoosh of emotion I couldn’t handle. My body has been tense for over 30 years protecting little me. It hurts to know that all of this didn’t have to happen. I had no idea how emotional or intense this feeling would be. I got myself together and she reassured me it was a safe space. She finished right then and we ended the night as it was time to be done anyways. I walked to my car and the minute I sat down I couldn’t stop crying, the drive home was a messy face and puffy eyes. I had no warning of this response in my body. I went from completely fine to immediate emotional release. I am not sure where to go from here but I see my counselor Monday and we will discuss some of this. 

I had no idea that 2023 would be continuing the trauma healing. I feel blessed to have the insurance I do and be able to work through what I have. I will continue to improve my life the best that I can and am incredibly proud of the work I have done. This is just another testimony to how someone may look okay on the outside but yet be dealing with something incredibly intense on the inside. Remember to give people grace. 

Thanks for listening

Janette 

When the wind gets knocked out of you...

 This New Year's holiday was a time of rejoicing that the hard yet triumphant year had ended and a new more joyful one would begin. I had such hope that lasted for a few days before smack I was hit in the face with reality on Thursday at a physical therapy appointment nonetheless. That knockdown really opened up revelation to my whole life though. A simple question of, "Do you have any sexual trauma?" and the statement, "That's not normal." after I shared broke me down.  I let her know something that I have felt since I was 6 years old around the time when the trauma happened, It was the key to why I was seeing her and why I am so tense at times. I felt so sad for a moment and hid my emotional state from her before we logged off the video call.  I broke down on the way home from work where I had been the last to leave as we did a video here at my empty office. I was stunned that I had the missing puzzle piece as to why I was experiencing what I am and why I had issues in the past.   Everything suddenly made sense in my world and I didn't know that was what I needed. 

Trigger warning and very intimate personal information. I am happy to share my story but please be respectful of what I have to say!

My sexual trauma has played the largest part in the last few years of my life. If I didn't have a medical issue with my uterus I would not have discovered the cause of so many of my medical mysteries. The beginning of everything began when I was 6. This event ruined a lot of my life. It took away so much from me and I had no idea the impact until the last few years. Getting a degree in Psychology in 2019 really was what kickstarted my own mental healing and figuring out how to climb out of the pit I was in.  Almost two years ago I had an endometrial biopsy that was very painful and nerve-wracking. I took a drug to calm me down and relax so I could get through the exam and barely made it through without saying NO. You see, I was a virgin at the time and when they placed the speculum it was very difficult. I never used tampons because they never felt right. I never used anything in my vagina prior to that besides having a few paps, one at 19 and one a few months before my biopsy. I was so tense because that is what I learned in response to my sexual trauma but at the time didn't know where it came from. After 30 years of experiencing my body reacting to the trauma, there is no question as to what started my being tense. Staying a virgin was not an easy choice and I am glad that I did not let anything happen previously as it would most likely have been a disaster and super painful.  I took a relaxing medication before the appointment and after it wore off several hours later, it felt like the speculum used for the exam was still inside me. Honestly, it felt like I was raped. That was actually traumatic on its own and I took a few days off of work. I could never figure out why this was the case until just a few days ago.  My PT was very kind in her responses and after 3 surgeries and 8 biopsies plus pelvic floor PT, I am doing quite well. I am able to relax a lot more and not have issues with most exams. I am confident with time all will be fine and have already experienced a lot of relief and changes. 

I have had some bad experiences with male doctors and one gaslighting me when it came to pain and telling me I should have none or that he didn't know why I was in pain as I yelled out in August.  He had no respect and said he was sorry I had pain at the very end of the visit but not for his part in hurting me or understanding his patients could be trauma survivors. He continued the exam without believing me that I had an IUD and had felt the strings myself often. He ignored my wishes and did not take into consideration what I had said and tried to find or feel them himself. Not being heard is the most hurtful thing but yet add in a pelvic exam to that equation and that is how I felt. I will not see that man again and complained about his bedside manner. Even his nurse ignored me and did not offer any comfort or help/hot packs. NOTHING. My doctor is the kindest human being and knows how to talk to her patients and be reassuring. This dude didn't care one bit about me or how I felt. I thank God for Dr Stanek and her kindness to me. During this last biopsy at the end of December, she looked at me and was very optimistic about the results. She was kind and truthful. She reassured me as I cried as this has been a long road.  

I am in the healing stage now and have gained the best biopsy results just at the end of December. My body is somewhat broken still but constantly changing and improving.  Lots of PT, exercising, exams, and therapy tools are getting me to where I need to be. I have had multiple successes and am on my way to completing recovery as best as it can be. I am proud that I have worked so hard on myself. This last round of medication has kicked me down but I have begun to stand back up and fight long-covid and medication side effects. I have some lifelong effects from that trauma and for that, I am not ashamed. It is hard to look at my body or know what aspects of my body are because of trauma but I am not living in a place of defeat any longer. This is not something I voluntarily caused so I cannot blame myself for where my body is at. The statement "the body keeps the score." is so very true! My body processed my trauma in a way that continued until I was 36 years old and began to unravel the way I was wound up. 

I share my life with others because I believe real life is powerful and hiding in shame or being silent about reality brings no healing or peace. If anyone else can relate or understand how I feel then the purpose of writing this is fulfilled. A tiny snippet of what I have dealt with is now out in the universe and I am happy to share. My life story is not defined by these experiences and my body does not dictate my worth. I have value despite my past. I am a whole person even if a bit broken physically, but improving daily. I didn't choose my trauma even if I made choices as an adult to contribute to the effects of the trauma (being severely obese or ignoring symptoms in my body). I did not take care of myself and that was truly a coping mechanism to many traumas in childhood but that's for another day. 

Thank you for listening

Janette 

What are you afraid of?

 There’s a guy whom I follow on Facebook Aaron Leatherbarrow who has a writers guild and so I responded with this essay as my entry into it. He put out three prompts and I chose, “What are you afraid of?” 

The minute I thought about being afraid I immediately felt emotions rise in me and knew what plagued my heart. The sting of tears is currently behind my eyes, the warmth of my cheeks and anxiety in my arms tells me the realness of my fear. What am I afraid of? So blinding the light of my fear that it didn’t take me any time to know what to write about. My biggest fear is that at thirty seven I may never have a baby from my womb or find a life partner. Two of the most natural ingrained desires a woman can have.  I feel like I’m being denied my life’s purpose and I’m afraid it won’t come true. My wet cheeks and the hurt in my heart confirm my reality. My anxiety ridden body and self doubt lurking in the background ready to deny me happiness. 

There is a lot of heaviness that comes with being afraid of the first part. You see, I’ve battled keeping my uterus for the last one and a half years.  I’m facing prolapse and needing surgeries to repair after already having two surgeries on my uterus. Being at my high maternal age my time is dwindling to have a baby and I’m facing possible infertility issues. While the gladness of my last biopsy being negative and there’s no more threat of cancer at the moment, there is angst for the next one in just 24 hours. When my issues first arose “cut it out and adopt” was said to me by a close family member. This insensitive comment tore me to pieces and I wept for hours alone in my bed. I went through stages of grief at the thought of losing my chance to experience birth and indescribable love for an offspring, my inner most desire. To become pregnant brings the risk of cancer back up to a 40% chance, so that is overwhelmingly in the back of my mind. Will it ever be possible? I honestly don’t know. 

When it comes to finding a life partner I’ve done a lot of damage to my body. I treated it like a trash can and ignored my responsibility to care for it. I’ve gained and lost thousands of pounds.  Currently down 90lbs and maintained it for a year. My body is broken and a fat/loose skin mess. It’s not pretty, it’s not attractive, it’s not beautiful. I look at it and cry, I hate myself for the abuse I’ve put it through. People may want me but when they see what’s underneath the sexy clothing my repulsive appearance threatens any attraction they may have.  I may be good enough for a photo of a certain angle or an online encounter but in person threatens my peace. I may be hot enough for a moment but I’m never enough for a lifetime. It hurts so deep I feel the prick and sting of never good enough each and every day. 

As thirty eight looms just around a tiny corner I look at my life afraid of what I won’t have. Afraid of never having what I achingly want. Afraid of not being good enough!  Afraid of an empty womb, while I break in a million pieces watching others get what I desire so desperately. Each of these fears on their own are too much. Combined it is a force of devastation to my heart. To long for what I haven’t ever had and don’t know if I ever will. 

My toughest battle

 Firstly this is about my own sexual history and very raw and real! Please stop reading if this is not something you can handle. This is my trigger warning! 

Think back to the time you were “awakened” sexually How old were you? Did this have a significant impact on your sex life? In your every day life? Or on your perspective in life? What about your sexual pleasure, was it affected by that? This is just my story, and my perspective! You may not agree or relate but please do not downplay how this affected my life! 

I was awakened to physical sexual pleasure as a 6 year old in kindergarten. This wasn’t just a show me yours and I’ll show you mine moment.  I will spare the details but it was very intense and very wrong for children to be doing. A variety of ages of kids. I was at a friends house and this wasn’t a one time thing. The dad saw what happened one day at some point and sat a few of us down and said it was wrong. I didn’t even know what we were doing. I didn’t even realize it was part of sex. I felt bad about it but didn’t know how to tell anyone or that I was being abused by other kids. Yes, these were children, boys and girls. The fact that these kids knew about all of these sexual things is very concerning to me now as an adult. Clearly someone was doing things to them! 

I had a real physical reaction to what happened to me. I began seeking out ways to feel that again. I used a pillow and it was easy to get a release and rush again.  This turned into masterbation because that’s what it was even though I had no idea what I was doing or even why.  Fast forward to me at 12/13 I was at a friends house the night before Christian camp. We watched “Dirty Dancing” of which is never seen anything like it and it made me turned on. I hadn’t really experienced that from an outside perspective. It was just something I physically did because I knew how.  I wasn’t stimulated by anything until those teen years. Then later being exposed to porn while babysitting one very late night scrolling through the cable channels. I was 15 at the time and it really awakened me and I didn’t know how to turn away. I knew it was wrong but yet couldn’t stop watching that night.  Then someone’s computer had it and it was easy to see. I found sex scenes in movies as another option. I took a research and report class in high school and this was in 1999, we all clicked the first link together after searching for “sweatshops.” That sight was a pornography site with a bunch of naked men on the front page,  instead of the subject of sweatshops in China we were researching about child labor. This began a very long battle with porn that I went through.  

You see I grew up in the church and a Christian.  I was told over and over again that sex was for marriage and the verse about not awakening or arousing love in Song of Solomon. Also about not burning with passion unless you get married. There are also verses about lusting as well. I had these things already happening but didn’t know how to process that! I didn’t know how to tell someone and get help. I wanted to honor God but I didn’t know how to do that besides physically not interacting with men. Did I keep my mind pure from lust? No! But the emphasis was always on virginity rather than keeping your mind pure. “Don’t have sex until you’re married” is what was drilled into us.  Did this sentence solve anything? no!!! 

What is sex even defined as? Intercourse is a tiny part of sex in reality.  Virginity means nothing if everything else was experienced.  Your mind is affected by it all. There are many ways of experiencing sexual pleasure with yourself or a partner without intercourse! These are great and sex is amazing  I am not saying that we shouldn’t have these experiences but the Bible clearly says it’s for marriage! Sex isn’t just a physical act it involves emotions and intimacy  

Let’s talk about how I was failed in figuring this out as a teen. Be sexually pure, okay, but how do I do that now that I’m not sexually pure because I was awakened at 6?! It’s the context in which the church talked about it that failed me. It’s my parents who did not know how to steward children in how to have a sex drive, and what to do with it, that failed me. My sexual abuse was over looked. It greatly impacted my mind set and my whole life. I would be in class at my desk and fear that people would find out.  I was attracted to women off and on, I questioned my sexuality in secret for the most part. I got into pornography as a way to feel that arousal again and solve my desires. It was my coping mechanism and what my brain was taught to want from 6 years old! 

It’s very common for people to jump into physical relationships after abuse as a coping mechanism. Mine wasn’t with other people until later in life, it was just me and my own thoughts and feelings because I knew it was wrong to do things with others based on my personal religious beliefs.  I carried a lot of guilt and shame over this. I had a lot of trauma related to this! 

I didn’t get physically involved with any of my boy friends in high school  I didn’t even kiss anyone until I was 21. That doesn’t mean I was pure or amazing for being a virgin. I met a man and we began dating, he was my first everything. He touched my leg and my whole body went insane. What the heck was this? I hadn’t felt that much fire before from someone I was with. I didn’t know how to battle my inner desire for purity and especially since having already been awakened sexually. I wasn’t innocent but at the same time was. I’ll leave the details out of this relationship but when I walked away I was very hurt! I gained so much weight to hide my body so I wouldn’t be tempted again to be physical with anyone.  My path going forward isn’t something I want to share right now and I have eluded to it in previous blogs. 

I had times where the battle for porn was very strong and others where it was long seasons of nothing! I once felt free from it in my twenties when I went to someone and wasn’t able to actually tell her but she gave me some good advice. I did what she said and it worked for a long time. I didn’t come to a place of healing from porn until just this past January. I shared some things that happened with a friend group and that confession brought healing. One friend shared her journey and it’s been a huge help to me. I had a heart change!  I had a moment of truly surrendering to Jesus! I needed that to be free of this hanging over me. I came to a moment of realization of what was being put into my mind and how that needed to end. Lust is really the hugest issue! Honestly I hated porn, I hated what it did to me! I hate what it does to others and marriages. There is no justifying it in my opinion! No judgement and no condemnation! I hope others can be free from it too!  

Helpful  resources: 

Fight the new drug is an incredible organization that isn’t faith based that shares a lot of resources and information about porn. 

https://fightthenewdrug.org/

The youversion Bible app has a lot of studies to read and do as well. Many on gettin free from porn! 

John Bevere has an incredible “porn free” series on the MessengerX app. There’s also another study about love and sex that is helpful too.  In January I decided to never watch it again! I was done! It’s been 6 months of freedom because I made a heart change! I made a decision that my honoring God with my body was important. It’s not easy and I commend anyone who wants freedom in this area! Don’t hesitate to reach out if you want prayer or someone alongside you in the journey!

Love in Christ

Janette