It's been six months and 7 days since I talked to you.

        Letting you go was the best thing for me, but incredibly hard. You could not love me the way that I loved you. It took me by surprise, the intensity of my feelings. I had no idea how much I felt for you until that day in May, when you said, "It sounds like he has your heart" about another man, I burst out crying, realizing it was you who did. We walked through life circumstances, leaning on each other. We shared our secrets and life goals. We enjoyed a beautiful trip that meant the world to each of us. But there is no "WE" and there never really was. I fell in love with you without recognizing how my heart was growing as time passed. 

        I missed you terribly for several months. Those random cries on the way to work and almost reaching out. My phone in hand, ready to call you or wanting to see your face. I couldn't look at pictures of you. I still haven't deleted many of them because I don't want to cry looking at them. Deleting you erases a small piece of me. The hardest part was the ending of you being my best friend. We tried several times, it was hard to see you as just a friend. I couldn't do it knowing it our connection was so strong. I was sitting in a session with clients the other day, and something said made me think of you. The moment was so intense emotionally, I wanted to burst out crying. Those moments are very rare now. The most difficult piece of it all is the silence. Not seeing you or hearing your voice is odd, and something that took a while to get used to. I used to talk to you for advice and support, I cannot run to you anymore. 

        You may ask why? Why did I feel this way so very deeply? I was in the process of healing my own life hurts as our friendship blossomed. I learned that I had the capacity to love in the midst of deep sorrow and hurt. You let me in to see the depth of who you are. You let me know the real you. I didn't feel judged by you. You answered when I needed to talk. You spoke kindly to me and are a truly nice man. You were striving for better in your life while processing grief and trauma. You believed in me and wanted the best for me. You were fun to joke with and just share life with.  You are so talented in your photography and have a good head on your shoulders. You are driven and fantastic in your career. You made me feel like I was worth it. You made me feel pretty and that I have value! You saw the real me and cared. You think I am a beautiful woman, which is something I rarely felt. 

        Life circumstances have us on different paths. Too many things to change to make it happen. We missed our chance at something more, and while that hurt my heart, I know it is for the best.  I know it is the right choice to distance myself, even if it is not what I really wanted. Will there ever be a day that we can be friends again? I am not sure! For now, I need to be content, and part of my story is letting you go. Am I completely there yet? Probably not, but much closer than I thought possible. I am learning more about myself. I am working on myself and what I want in life. My happiness has grown. 2025 was a year of grief, 2026 is now a year of Joy. I wonder how you are? I think about whether you are happy. I had to stop giving to you because it was taking from me. I wanted to be selfless, but at what expense? I wish you well and want you to know that my silence isn't about you, but me. 

Lets talk about it

 As I got out of the shower the other night, I had a memory pop into my mind. This memory is full of fear disguised through a false friendship. I would guess I was about 10 when this particular sleepover took place. Loud music, a mom folding laundry, wood panelled rooms, and the smell of tater tots rush back to me when I think of that night. I am uncertain of her name exactly, but Alicia is what I recall. Well, I suppose it is time to share this story. . .

First off, I remember my mom being angry because I was supposed to clean my room before I went over for the day, but maybe I went home with her after school and then begged her to let me spend the night? Those details are fuzzy. My friend and I had fun, and due to medical trauma, I had been restricted in spending a lot of time at other people's homes for quite a while. Alicia seemed nice and attended the church I was at, and I remember her smiling often. I remember eating some dinner and having snacks, we laughed a lot. I was having a good time. Alicia's room was down the hall to the right after entering the house through the dining room/kitchen. I walked into the living room and then went down the hall. She had a walk-in closet, and I think she shared her room with a sibling or two. We were in her room a lot after dinner and I could hear music from the living room playing very loudly. The last time I saw her mom she was folding laundry and singing before we went into her room. I think it was Christian music. Alicia went out there to get us a drink aor do something nd came back with fear stricken on her face. She told me to hide in the closet and that some guy was out there. She was saying he was holding her mom hostage and I started crying. She was crying and carrying on, I was terrified at what I thought was happening.  She was afraid and hysterical at times. I am not sure how long we were in there but she would sneak out to check periodically and then come back with more information. It was dark in the closet and scary. I had never been in a position where someone had broken into a home before. After some time, all of the sudden, she laughed and then said she was "just joking." She had made the whole thing up like a psycho. I was stunned at this revelation and really hurt inside by it. I had no idea how to process what happened. Her mom and siblings were perfectly fine. In fact, her mom was making dinner for us to drive up to the mill in town, where her dad was working. I was a kid who went to bed early but her family was used to being out late. It was dark and I think around 10pm when we loaded up into her station wagon and took food to her dad. I was exhausted emotionally and physically. I kept that hidden inside though, and never told anyone what happened. I went through a fake trauma that felt very real in the moment. I was lied to and made to believe circumstances were quite different than what they actually were. I do not recall staying friends with her or ever going to her house again. 

I am not sure why the memory came up, or where it came from, but I do know that I was meant to share it.  Fear seems to be a weakness that has tried to overtake my life. To me, anxiety is the fear of the unknown and has often plagued me over the last 40 years. I was diagnosed a few years ago with general anxiety disorder and have come so far. My life has changed so much by processing what has happened to me, but also in changing my mindset. This quote comes to mind.“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” – Criss Jami. I used to hide myself from the world around me. I never shared my inner thoughts and struggles. 

A few weeks ago, I was driving on an old highway next to the Rogue River here in Southern Oregon. Three deer ran into the road as I was going about 50mph. I slammed on my brakes, very thankful no one was behind me. I went to accelerate again after nearly hitting them and noticed my car was in neutral. I saw my lunch bag move but I am pretty sure it was an Angel that put my car in neutral. It helped me slow down quickly and not speed up too fast when I wanted to keep going. I arrived at the school with my heart pounding and adrenaline rushing through my body.  It was a miracle and something I am very grateful to God for. As I drive the same road each morning, my heart races a bit and fear tries to come over me. I once a few days later saw a mail box from afar, thinking it was a deer. (Yes, I laughed at myself) Prayer, worship music and the word get me through those moments. I remind myself of scriptures that talk about fear. 

1 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Last night I woke up hearing noises outside my home. This is not a normal thing and I live in a not so great neighborhood. I think someone was lurking around my home. Adrenaline rushed in and fear came over me. I prayed in that moment. I didn't sleep well after that but I also did not let it consume me. I have had a few nights here in this little house where I knew someone was outside my window or door. I cannot let it take root and bring fear into my mind. I could let it consume me and want to move but I love living here. Relying on God to calm my nerves and to give me a sound mind is the best thing I can do.  I can make wise decisions of course about my safety but I also cannot let unknowns overtake me. There are many worship songs that come to mind. "Fear is not my future." by Maverick City Music comes to mind. The words to that song play in my mind sometimes. Another song I love is "Psalm 23 The Lord is my Shepherd" here is the link: https://youtu.be/8OlMGnPUAdw?si=OyuJgNMKLgn_qbEd

I could not imagine living this life without God or my faith. I would not be mentally sound or okay without him. Leaning on the Holy Spirit to guide me and Christ to strengthen me is all that I have. There is nothing in this world that compares.  If you do not know Jesus like I do, please reach out to me. 

Janette

Reflection

"Don't let yesterday take too much of today." This quote by Will Rogers is what I am focussing on this year in 2025. What did you bring into 2025 that you do not need? 

I was driving down the highway a month ago or so and a song playing on my phone reminded me of someone from the past. He introduced me to the album and I thoroughly enjoyed the lyrics and music, but it made me remember him. There was a tinge of regret inside me and I hated that feeling. I am tired of that and said to myself, "No more in 2025!" In that moment I was frustrated with the reminders of the past and with how much reflection I do. I have an incredible memory, it can be something that brings my emotional state down when dwelling on the unpleasant ones. I have a year-long devotional on the Bible App that most recently has been talking about remembrance. I can dwell on good things or let the past define my mood. A scripture that comes to mind is, 

"Ephesians 4:22-24 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." 

So I have a choice to dwell on the past or to renew my mind. Old patterns are hard to walk away from yet with Christ comes freedom. When we dwell on the new it changes us. I can let the mistakes of my past define me and cause emotional distress or I can walk in the freedom given to me in Christ.  Having reminders of the change in me is what helps the most. People in my life seeing the growth and change and supporting me has been incredible. Listening to what scripture speaks over me and paying attention to what is influencing my mind is most beneficial. 

A person I have not spoken to in 1.5 years reached out several weeks ago. I began to speak with them and was able to boldly say what went wrong and how they hurt me. They graciously apologized and it was very healing. Hearing their voice was a reminder of the good and bad. It was a temptation to wish for the good and a reminder of the hurt. After a few days, I decided I needed to leave that part of my life in the past. I am happy to speak and see them if we are in the same area, or see each other randomly in public but I do not need to continue the reminder of what once was.  I do not need to repeat old patterns. I do not need a part of me longing for the past and constantly reminded of it.

So my question today is what do you need to let go of from the past? What are you constantly reflecting on that doesn't deserve one more minute of your time? What do you need to weed out in the garden of your mind?

Phillipains 4: 8-9 says, 

8Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. 9The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.

 If you look back in the scriptures to what Paul is saying to dwell on, he had just written to rejoice(verse 4) and not be anxious(verse 6). There is much more in chapter 4 of Phillipians but my point is that we choose what to dwell on. I choose what I put into my mind and what I let influence me. Paul is saying here to meditate on the good, can I do that when what is coming to mind is a reflection of the bad? Absolutely not, so today I make it a point to dwell on the word of the Lord and not the negativity that often can come to mind, when there is a reminder of it.  

The odd one out

 For most of my life, I have felt like the "different one."  In early life I was shy. I was sensitive and so much affected me deeply. At one point it was evident that I was different in elementary school, as I had a traumatic accident at age 8, the summer before third grade. I had to wear an eye patch, protective gear etc. As I grew older I just wanted to hide and not be looked at as weird with my goggles and thick glasses.  I didn't want to stand out, I didn't want to be me. I hid away under my weight gain. Hiding was life's purpose for several if not all of my adult life. Hiding was my way of coping, to deny that anything exists or is wrong was how I acted.  I didn't enjoy life whatsoever. It took many years and the seeds from my psychology classes that finally made me realize I needed mental help. The mental support the last few years has been incredible. From being broken to freedom was a long journey but incredibly worth it. There are still moments that sting though like this one. 

Sometimes even now I feel like the odd one out, the token fat girl in the crowd. I question people's thoughts toward me or see the pity in their eyes/faces. To be authentically me is difficult because other's expectations/beliefs play a part in their interactions with me.  To be present but yet not the same as those around you in some aspects carries a weight to it. I look very different than most. I am very obese and it is evident when in a crowd. I have been smaller and treated so vastly differently when I was. Currently, it has been incredibly difficult to lose weight no matter what I do, I shouldn't have to explain myself to others but I feel often that I have to.  I feel the small judgments or looks and hear the remarks to other people that have lost weight, like they are somehow better. So many put emphasis on the outward appearance and weight being the forefront that value is attached to it. Like somehow they are better at life. It is quite an off-putting feeling.

I was in a home recently of lovely people but I looked around and I am the one that stands out.  I am the one that is not looking like the crowd.  I am the one with the outward problem. People are kind of course to me but when you know they value "skinny" you feel somehow not on their level or good enough for them. I am not unaware or in denial about what my body looks like. I absolutely cannot fathom that I have gotten myself here again.  Why do I feel the way I do? Maybe because I see and hear comments that are made about weight, gyms, healthy, etc from people. I know people are not intentional with their focus on certain things directly to me but it doesn't feel nice. It makes me wonder how others are treated that aren't their friends or people in their family that are overweight. Do they see them as less than? Are they not good enough at their current weight? Why must the emphasis always be on "lose weight?" Can we not support and be kind without comments and judgments? Can the person be accepted at their current weight? Why must there always be this looming "I am on a weight loss journey" every moment of their waking day? It is a lot easier to make progress without pressure. 

I have worked so hard many times the last few years, just to crash with extreme fatigue. It is debilitating mentally to deal with what I do at times. I have to give up so many things I love, like the gym, pool, and hiking to recover. Work becomes the only thing I have to do and making it through the week can be exhausting. Just to find that I have become weaker than before or the weight is a little higher than I thought. I can celebrate all of the amazing things my body has done for me. I have foughten off cancerous cells, hypertonic muscles, long haul covid, asthma, upper airway inflamation syndrome, blood pressure issues, prolapse, hormone imbalances, horrid medications, plus any other regular things just in the last 3.5 years. My body is working hard daily to keep me here and alive. My labs are great, which is awesome. I have conquered so many things, biopsies, surgeries, long-haul crashes, etc. I have to celebrate my body and love it despite the appearance that so many find so ugly/unattractive. Being accepted as I am is something I seek. Yes, I can improve myself in many ways and always strive to do/be better but the focus on my life should not be my weight/size or physical appearance. I have to pull that energy into making myself healthy and weight loss is a part of that, I am not denying that but it cannot be the sole focus of my life. I am the same whether the number on the scale goes up or down any amount. I have value and worth despite the stares and pity I receive. I want to be loved for the woman I am not just the appearance I have. 

I have wrestled with insecurity in this area. It makes it easier to see going from extremely overweight to a huge weight loss to weight gain. It is embarassing and hurtful even to my own self.  I have sought help and continue to strive for a better healthier me. I suppose it is time to not let my own thoughts make me feel bad about myself. I don't want to feel like I should run away when I see people. I should walk in confidence and let the healing of Christ run over me. It is not easy to be in my position or my body. I wish things were different and I know there are many ways I can improve. "I am not good enough," is a phrase I have constantly had rattling in my head for way too long. It definitely has been roaring its head lately. Yes, I know I am overweight, yes it is a priority, yes I am good enough! 

99.5

Blog 39 of the 40 I committed to this year. 

A few weeks ago I was home on a Sunday morning listening to church online. The preacher was talking about how much God wants to connect with us. He set up the scene as if you were on a beach, 100 feet from someone, how you would run to each other. He said, "If we take half a step, he takes the other 99.5." God is right there! I have been thinking about that picture. All we need to do is lift a foot to walk forward into him and that will be enough, I am reminded of the scripture in James 3, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." I always picture that as leaning in for a hug and he leans straight into you. I think this picture of him running to us when we try to step towards him is more real. We often think in our minds that he doesn't care and is so far off, yet that is in our carnal thinking. If he said, "...he never leaves or forsakes us," (Deuteronomy 31:6) then it is a lie we believe from the enemy that holds us back.  

I spent most of my adult life thinking God was distant because I wasn't perfect. He doesn't require anything from me besides surrender. His love isn't conditional based on what I have or have not done. It is the most incredible feeling in the world to know you are loved by a savior, and nothing is because of something you did besides believing in him.  Letting guilt and shame take the place of closeness with my savior was a detriment to my relationship with God. This is why renewing the mind is so important. Examining the belief system you have and weeding out the false lines of thinking takes intentionality. If I believe that Jesus is right there ready to receive me in moments of sin or altered life circumstances, then I am more willing to confess and look to him. There is beauty in recognizing that you are loved, forgiven, and free. 

If you are living in a place of constant doubt that he loves you, he cares about you, or that he is near, please reach out. I would love to pray with you and for you. Don't wait another moment to start seeing yourself the way God does. You are his Beloved. You are chosen, adopted, given grace, and redeemed (Ephesians 1).  Don't let life circumstances pull you down. You are valued, you are worthy and you are incredibly wanted. 

Blessings and love in Christ,

Janette

40 blogs at 40

I decided that I needed to shift my life and focus on making writing a priority this year. It is a love that I do not take the time for. So here I am one day after turning forty making a decision to bring my thoughts to life through the written word. So here is number 40 as I count down to 1. 

Forty, sheesh what does that mean for me? What is ahead? Taking a moment to appreciate the me of the past is something I am learning to enjoy rather than loathe. Instead of looking at all the mistakes and negative experiences, I am choosing to see the good. There is more good than the me of thirty would have thought. The trials and tribulations were hard emotionally but I am strong and resilient. Despite the emotionally taxing months and years, I am here on the other side. 

I had to learn in my darkest hour that my own thoughts are what held me back from freedom in Christ. My own beliefs about Christianity and how I was raised. Lies that I believed were preached or shared that I wrongfully latched onto. A mix of the world and religiosity took over my mind as thoughts and ideas were forming in the years when my brain was creating my identity. The true meaning of grace was something I did not understand fully. I do remember as a 21-year-old a time when I recognized someone I was close to abusing Grace. I felt so uncomfortable with that concept but did not know how to speak up about it. I was mainly under the impression that I had to earn God's favor and blessings even though I knew that it was by faith that I was saved and not by works. (Ephesians 2:8)  I had an idea that I needed to be perfect and knew that I would never reach that mark. I had to try and try to be the best Christian I could be on the outside while drowning on the inside with the guilt and shame for my sins. Letting go of the guilt and shame and letting God's Grace wash over me amid great sin was my changing point. I had to see myself as forgiven and free. I had to let the work Christ did on the cross be for me and not just for other people.

In the spring of this year, a friend showed me this song. It relates to the Enneagram 1. I am a 2, wing 1. I tend to have more weaknesses on the 1 side of things. It talks about the struggle of being a perfectionist and missing the mark yet that's not what God requires of us. 

https://youtu.be/-sO2UMoOaFQ?si=XIiYsAaxXw0hd5-N

verse

Hold on for a minute cuz I believe that we can fix this over time. 

That Every imperfection is a lie.

Or at least an interruption 

Now hold on let me finish, no I'm not saying perfect exists in this life

But we'll only know for certain if we try.

chorus 

I, I want to sing a song worth singing 

I, write an anthem worth repeating 

I, I want to feel the transformation. 

A melody of reformation

verse

The list goes on forever for all the ways I could be better in my mind 

As if I could earn God's favor given time 

Or at least congratulations. 

Now I have learned my lesson the price of this so called perfection is everything. 

I spend my whole life searching desperately, to find out that Grace requires nothing of me. 

chorus

I, I want to sing a song worth singing 

I, write an anthem worth repeating 

I, I want to feel the transformation 

A melody of reformation. 

verse

Now hold it all more loosely and yet somehow much more dearly 

Cuz I spent my whole life searching desperately 

To find out that Grace requires nothing, Grace requires nothing of me.  

Sleeping At Last "One"

How beautiful is that picture! All of this time I did not need to try and be perfect to be loved. I won't go into the physical picture of this or the way I put myself down so much for my appearance because it is not perfect and never will be in this blog. 

Remember no matter what you have done, are doing or how you view yourself the Lord loves you, gave himself up for you and extends grace to you each and every day. You do not need to stay in a place of living in guilt and shame any longer. 

 Love,

 Janette

On the eve of my 40th birthday.

Swirling chaos and overwhelmed she sits here with a thousand thoughts of how she wished the last forty years could have gone. The disappointment, hurt, anger, and sadness could weigh her down for the next forty if she let it. Each moment of pain stings in the depths of her soul. A mother’s heart with barren arms, a caring and kind woman with not a suiter. To the outside world, she looks empty and unfulfilled. The comments and stares, the pity and solemn glances bear down like a heavy glass closing in. She cries out and often feels like no one hears her. She tried and tried on her own and found only crumbs. She opened herself to people and found the pouring out just made her empty inside. The world haunted her every movement creeping in and pulling her towards the idea that she knows best. Most people never knowing the struggle and burden she held inside. The pull of darkness was much greater than the majority of those she has known could ever realize.  She takes a deep breath…

 

But God, he stepped in at just the right time. He continuously pursued her heart when she gave it to other people. He broke through the anguish and gave her fulfillment, kindness, and grace. She finally believed him and accepted his love without condition. She let go of the past and let go of what wasn’t for her. She stepped into the known conditions of love he had for her. The quiet confidence ever growing in who she is in Christ has become the rock on which she stands on. The tears of gratitude and deep appreciation for the cross and what it means to her so often stain her cheeks, rather than the unfulfilled mourning she used to be overwhelmed by.  Finding out she is more than enough but also not too much has given her peace. Loving who she is changed her life. Leaning into the promises of God and falling in love with her savior has been her joy and delight. Turning to the Lord just as he intended has completely rearranged her thought patterns. The stability has caused her to let go of the past. Loving who God made her to be instead of constantly criticizing herself has changed who she is.

 

She is smart and capable.

She is strong and adventurous.

She is helpful and loving.

She is wise and caring.

She is loved and valued

She is free and forgiven

SHE IS WORTHY

SHE IS ENOUGH

With gratitude and love for all of those who have spoken positively in my life!

Janette

My least favorite day!

 Mother's Day 2023,

This is my least favorite holiday. It is a reminder of what I long for but do not have. Another year has gone by and I am not closer to being a mom. As long as I can remember the desire of my heart was to be a mother. I played with dolls long past the time a child should. I nannied for 16 years longer than most. My heart broke as I left each family and I couldn't take it anymore. I sit here with tear-stained cheeks and an ache for what others have. During the pandemic, so many complained as I was alone wishing I had my own little family to take care of.  My longing may not seem like a big deal to others but it is to me. I have always felt like my purpose on the earth was to be a mother. My mom had 4 children by age 25. I am 38.5 with 0, not where I thought I would be. 

I have dated in the last year but nothing worked out. So many women are in the same place I am:; single, late 30s/early 40s, no children... Please stop asking us when we are getting married and having children! It does not help and is a constant reminder that we are still single. I have actively pursued relationships, not out of desperation but genuinely wanting a life partner. I got off of dating apps about a year ago, they lead to much wasted time and deceptive men.  I can't make a man love me, I cannot make them interested. Many do not want more children at this point, most claim to be Christians but do not respect honoring the Lord with their bodies, some aren't attracted to me and that is okay. Finding a God-fearing Christian man that is older and interested in me just hasn't happened yet. Sometimes it is weary and doesn't feel fair but I am not giving up.   

My last grandparent by blood passed away this week. I grieved the loss of my grandparents never seeing me married or having babies. My gram and gramp loved babies and their family so very deeply. Gram wished that for me and every so often asked for it.  I cannot control someone else's interest or disinterest in me. I have prayed for my future and have focused on my relationship with the Lord tremendously in the last year. I wept knowing they would never see my children. I cannot change that they won't be here but I can pass their love and stories on. 

As I went through my medical issues with my uterus the last few years. I went through a plethora of emotions surrounding the possibility of never carrying a child. I was told by a man I was interested in that it wasn't as big of a deal as a husband and wife going through it together. That was painful, I didn't know if I would ever get the chance and there he was putting down my hurt and discrediting how I felt. I want to try for a baby and the years for that are dwindling. God knows my heart and my desires. I would also like to adopt. Adopting is a huge passion of mine and taking care of children is something I will always be involved in. Speaking into future generations is important to me.  

Another side to all of this is the medical field. The comments, questions, and statements made to my face have been hurtful and unkind. Questioning my age, my desires, and my longing to not do this alone. I do not feel comfortable or that it is right to have a baby on my own. That is not God's design and I will not bring a child into this world knowing they would only have one parent. I do not desire to be a single mom right now. I think children deserve a mother and father. I am not discrediting anyone who does it alone or is a single parent at all. For myself, I cannot condone birthing a baby alone. There is pressure from so many places to do it now but that is out of my control. 

I am not looking for sympathy. I am not lonely, I have found incredible happiness in the Lord this year. I have worked hard on having healthy relationships with men and boundaries. I have cultivated new friendships and found people that want to know me. I have loved my Job more than ever before. I have allowed myself to feel and express my emotions in new ways. I have so much freedom in Christ and am walking in it compared to the past. I have many blessings and am not complaining about this. Just being honest in this season of life and where I am at. 

Janette 

No one talks about the layers of trauma

 I’ve been delving into processing my childhood trauma for a few years. Once you think you’ve gotten through the worst a new layer seems to be peeled off. Tonight I had an unexpected protective factor come to the surface.  I couldn’t contain my overwhelming emotional response and didn’t see it coming. Just when all is right with the world another trigger pops up and I am forced to do the inner work. 

My last blog talks about my realization of where my tense physical state comes from, if you haven't read it go back and read it first. I’ve been doing many things to work on not constantly staying in a tense physical state, most recently continuing massages. I enjoy them despite some pain. They can be relaxing but also very therapeutic. My insurance offers twelve a year with a co-pay of $25.  I began in late fall and have enjoyed them. Tonight I saw a woman for the second time and she’s incredible at working the muscles in ways that are not for just relaxing but stretching and working deeply without crazy pressure. We laugh at how she has to tell me to let go and relax. I have a hard time letting go enough to just let her go for it. We talk and I’m comfortable with her. She is knowledgeable and I know I’m there for body work, not just a fun massage. I was very tense/sore in my legs from a workout Tuesday night. We started on my quads and she did some inner thigh work and I was fine. We joked about how we just don’t care anymore when it comes to being self-conscious about our bodies and I shared nannying stories about one particular little girl who had to touch my chest to fall asleep.  I just don’t worry about people touching me anymore. She said it was mainly a mom thing and could understand how being a nanny you sort of don’t have personal space boundaries with infants and toddlers. She was great and right at the end went to work on my hamstrings. I couldn’t relax my leg and felt myself tense up. I then realized it was a protective factor after I told her I’m tense because of trauma. My body was protecting me and stayed tense so I was keenly aware of what was happening. What was shocking was that the front was totally fine for her to work on, but the hamstrings in the back were triggering. She asked how I was doing? And I burst into tears. I got this whoosh of emotion I couldn’t handle. My body has been tense for over 30 years protecting little me. It hurts to know that all of this didn’t have to happen. I had no idea how emotional or intense this feeling would be. I got myself together and she reassured me it was a safe space. She finished right then and we ended the night as it was time to be done anyways. I walked to my car and the minute I sat down I couldn’t stop crying, the drive home was a messy face and puffy eyes. I had no warning of this response in my body. I went from completely fine to immediate emotional release. I am not sure where to go from here but I see my counselor Monday and we will discuss some of this. 

I had no idea that 2023 would be continuing the trauma healing. I feel blessed to have the insurance I do and be able to work through what I have. I will continue to improve my life the best that I can and am incredibly proud of the work I have done. This is just another testimony to how someone may look okay on the outside but yet be dealing with something incredibly intense on the inside. Remember to give people grace. 

Thanks for listening

Janette 

When the wind gets knocked out of you...

 This New Year's holiday was a time of rejoicing that the hard yet triumphant year had ended and a new more joyful one would begin. I had such hope that lasted for a few days before smack I was hit in the face with reality on Thursday at a physical therapy appointment nonetheless. That knockdown really opened up revelation to my whole life though. A simple question of, "Do you have any sexual trauma?" and the statement, "That's not normal." after I shared broke me down.  I let her know something that I have felt since I was 6 years old around the time when the trauma happened, It was the key to why I was seeing her and why I am so tense at times. I felt so sad for a moment and hid my emotional state from her before we logged off the video call.  I broke down on the way home from work where I had been the last to leave as we did a video here at my empty office. I was stunned that I had the missing puzzle piece as to why I was experiencing what I am and why I had issues in the past.   Everything suddenly made sense in my world and I didn't know that was what I needed. 

Trigger warning and very intimate personal information. I am happy to share my story but please be respectful of what I have to say!

My sexual trauma has played the largest part in the last few years of my life. If I didn't have a medical issue with my uterus I would not have discovered the cause of so many of my medical mysteries. The beginning of everything began when I was 6. This event ruined a lot of my life. It took away so much from me and I had no idea the impact until the last few years. Getting a degree in Psychology in 2019 really was what kickstarted my own mental healing and figuring out how to climb out of the pit I was in.  Almost two years ago I had an endometrial biopsy that was very painful and nerve-wracking. I took a drug to calm me down and relax so I could get through the exam and barely made it through without saying NO. You see, I was a virgin at the time and when they placed the speculum it was very difficult. I never used tampons because they never felt right. I never used anything in my vagina prior to that besides having a few paps, one at 19 and one a few months before my biopsy. I was so tense because that is what I learned in response to my sexual trauma but at the time didn't know where it came from. After 30 years of experiencing my body reacting to the trauma, there is no question as to what started my being tense. Staying a virgin was not an easy choice and I am glad that I did not let anything happen previously as it would most likely have been a disaster and super painful.  I took a relaxing medication before the appointment and after it wore off several hours later, it felt like the speculum used for the exam was still inside me. Honestly, it felt like I was raped. That was actually traumatic on its own and I took a few days off of work. I could never figure out why this was the case until just a few days ago.  My PT was very kind in her responses and after 3 surgeries and 8 biopsies plus pelvic floor PT, I am doing quite well. I am able to relax a lot more and not have issues with most exams. I am confident with time all will be fine and have already experienced a lot of relief and changes. 

I have had some bad experiences with male doctors and one gaslighting me when it came to pain and telling me I should have none or that he didn't know why I was in pain as I yelled out in August.  He had no respect and said he was sorry I had pain at the very end of the visit but not for his part in hurting me or understanding his patients could be trauma survivors. He continued the exam without believing me that I had an IUD and had felt the strings myself often. He ignored my wishes and did not take into consideration what I had said and tried to find or feel them himself. Not being heard is the most hurtful thing but yet add in a pelvic exam to that equation and that is how I felt. I will not see that man again and complained about his bedside manner. Even his nurse ignored me and did not offer any comfort or help/hot packs. NOTHING. My doctor is the kindest human being and knows how to talk to her patients and be reassuring. This dude didn't care one bit about me or how I felt. I thank God for Dr Stanek and her kindness to me. During this last biopsy at the end of December, she looked at me and was very optimistic about the results. She was kind and truthful. She reassured me as I cried as this has been a long road.  

I am in the healing stage now and have gained the best biopsy results just at the end of December. My body is somewhat broken still but constantly changing and improving.  Lots of PT, exercising, exams, and therapy tools are getting me to where I need to be. I have had multiple successes and am on my way to completing recovery as best as it can be. I am proud that I have worked so hard on myself. This last round of medication has kicked me down but I have begun to stand back up and fight long-covid and medication side effects. I have some lifelong effects from that trauma and for that, I am not ashamed. It is hard to look at my body or know what aspects of my body are because of trauma but I am not living in a place of defeat any longer. This is not something I voluntarily caused so I cannot blame myself for where my body is at. The statement "the body keeps the score." is so very true! My body processed my trauma in a way that continued until I was 36 years old and began to unravel the way I was wound up. 

I share my life with others because I believe real life is powerful and hiding in shame or being silent about reality brings no healing or peace. If anyone else can relate or understand how I feel then the purpose of writing this is fulfilled. A tiny snippet of what I have dealt with is now out in the universe and I am happy to share. My life story is not defined by these experiences and my body does not dictate my worth. I have value despite my past. I am a whole person even if a bit broken physically, but improving daily. I didn't choose my trauma even if I made choices as an adult to contribute to the effects of the trauma (being severely obese or ignoring symptoms in my body). I did not take care of myself and that was truly a coping mechanism to many traumas in childhood but that's for another day. 

Thank you for listening

Janette 

What are you afraid of?

 There’s a guy whom I follow on Facebook Aaron Leatherbarrow who has a writers guild and so I responded with this essay as my entry into it. He put out three prompts and I chose, “What are you afraid of?” 

The minute I thought about being afraid I immediately felt emotions rise in me and knew what plagued my heart. The sting of tears is currently behind my eyes, the warmth of my cheeks and anxiety in my arms tells me the realness of my fear. What am I afraid of? So blinding the light of my fear that it didn’t take me any time to know what to write about. My biggest fear is that at thirty seven I may never have a baby from my womb or find a life partner. Two of the most natural ingrained desires a woman can have.  I feel like I’m being denied my life’s purpose and I’m afraid it won’t come true. My wet cheeks and the hurt in my heart confirm my reality. My anxiety ridden body and self doubt lurking in the background ready to deny me happiness. 

There is a lot of heaviness that comes with being afraid of the first part. You see, I’ve battled keeping my uterus for the last one and a half years.  I’m facing prolapse and needing surgeries to repair after already having two surgeries on my uterus. Being at my high maternal age my time is dwindling to have a baby and I’m facing possible infertility issues. While the gladness of my last biopsy being negative and there’s no more threat of cancer at the moment, there is angst for the next one in just 24 hours. When my issues first arose “cut it out and adopt” was said to me by a close family member. This insensitive comment tore me to pieces and I wept for hours alone in my bed. I went through stages of grief at the thought of losing my chance to experience birth and indescribable love for an offspring, my inner most desire. To become pregnant brings the risk of cancer back up to a 40% chance, so that is overwhelmingly in the back of my mind. Will it ever be possible? I honestly don’t know. 

When it comes to finding a life partner I’ve done a lot of damage to my body. I treated it like a trash can and ignored my responsibility to care for it. I’ve gained and lost thousands of pounds.  Currently down 90lbs and maintained it for a year. My body is broken and a fat/loose skin mess. It’s not pretty, it’s not attractive, it’s not beautiful. I look at it and cry, I hate myself for the abuse I’ve put it through. People may want me but when they see what’s underneath the sexy clothing my repulsive appearance threatens any attraction they may have.  I may be good enough for a photo of a certain angle or an online encounter but in person threatens my peace. I may be hot enough for a moment but I’m never enough for a lifetime. It hurts so deep I feel the prick and sting of never good enough each and every day. 

As thirty eight looms just around a tiny corner I look at my life afraid of what I won’t have. Afraid of never having what I achingly want. Afraid of not being good enough!  Afraid of an empty womb, while I break in a million pieces watching others get what I desire so desperately. Each of these fears on their own are too much. Combined it is a force of devastation to my heart. To long for what I haven’t ever had and don’t know if I ever will. 

My toughest battle

 Firstly this is about my own sexual history and very raw and real! Please stop reading if this is not something you can handle. This is my trigger warning! 

Think back to the time you were “awakened” sexually How old were you? Did this have a significant impact on your sex life? In your every day life? Or on your perspective in life? What about your sexual pleasure, was it affected by that? This is just my story, and my perspective! You may not agree or relate but please do not downplay how this affected my life! 

I was awakened to physical sexual pleasure as a 6 year old in kindergarten. This wasn’t just a show me yours and I’ll show you mine moment.  I will spare the details but it was very intense and very wrong for children to be doing. A variety of ages of kids. I was at a friends house and this wasn’t a one time thing. The dad saw what happened one day at some point and sat a few of us down and said it was wrong. I didn’t even know what we were doing. I didn’t even realize it was part of sex. I felt bad about it but didn’t know how to tell anyone or that I was being abused by other kids. Yes, these were children, boys and girls. The fact that these kids knew about all of these sexual things is very concerning to me now as an adult. Clearly someone was doing things to them! 

I had a real physical reaction to what happened to me. I began seeking out ways to feel that again. I used a pillow and it was easy to get a release and rush again.  This turned into masterbation because that’s what it was even though I had no idea what I was doing or even why.  Fast forward to me at 12/13 I was at a friends house the night before Christian camp. We watched “Dirty Dancing” of which is never seen anything like it and it made me turned on. I hadn’t really experienced that from an outside perspective. It was just something I physically did because I knew how.  I wasn’t stimulated by anything until those teen years. Then later being exposed to porn while babysitting one very late night scrolling through the cable channels. I was 15 at the time and it really awakened me and I didn’t know how to turn away. I knew it was wrong but yet couldn’t stop watching that night.  Then someone’s computer had it and it was easy to see. I found sex scenes in movies as another option. I took a research and report class in high school and this was in 1999, we all clicked the first link together after searching for “sweatshops.” That sight was a pornography site with a bunch of naked men on the front page,  instead of the subject of sweatshops in China we were researching about child labor. This began a very long battle with porn that I went through.  

You see I grew up in the church and a Christian.  I was told over and over again that sex was for marriage and the verse about not awakening or arousing love in Song of Solomon. Also about not burning with passion unless you get married. There are also verses about lusting as well. I had these things already happening but didn’t know how to process that! I didn’t know how to tell someone and get help. I wanted to honor God but I didn’t know how to do that besides physically not interacting with men. Did I keep my mind pure from lust? No! But the emphasis was always on virginity rather than keeping your mind pure. “Don’t have sex until you’re married” is what was drilled into us.  Did this sentence solve anything? no!!! 

What is sex even defined as? Intercourse is a tiny part of sex in reality.  Virginity means nothing if everything else was experienced.  Your mind is affected by it all. There are many ways of experiencing sexual pleasure with yourself or a partner without intercourse! These are great and sex is amazing  I am not saying that we shouldn’t have these experiences but the Bible clearly says it’s for marriage! Sex isn’t just a physical act it involves emotions and intimacy  

Let’s talk about how I was failed in figuring this out as a teen. Be sexually pure, okay, but how do I do that now that I’m not sexually pure because I was awakened at 6?! It’s the context in which the church talked about it that failed me. It’s my parents who did not know how to steward children in how to have a sex drive, and what to do with it, that failed me. My sexual abuse was over looked. It greatly impacted my mind set and my whole life. I would be in class at my desk and fear that people would find out.  I was attracted to women off and on, I questioned my sexuality in secret for the most part. I got into pornography as a way to feel that arousal again and solve my desires. It was my coping mechanism and what my brain was taught to want from 6 years old! 

It’s very common for people to jump into physical relationships after abuse as a coping mechanism. Mine wasn’t with other people until later in life, it was just me and my own thoughts and feelings because I knew it was wrong to do things with others based on my personal religious beliefs.  I carried a lot of guilt and shame over this. I had a lot of trauma related to this! 

I didn’t get physically involved with any of my boy friends in high school  I didn’t even kiss anyone until I was 21. That doesn’t mean I was pure or amazing for being a virgin. I met a man and we began dating, he was my first everything. He touched my leg and my whole body went insane. What the heck was this? I hadn’t felt that much fire before from someone I was with. I didn’t know how to battle my inner desire for purity and especially since having already been awakened sexually. I wasn’t innocent but at the same time was. I’ll leave the details out of this relationship but when I walked away I was very hurt! I gained so much weight to hide my body so I wouldn’t be tempted again to be physical with anyone.  My path going forward isn’t something I want to share right now and I have eluded to it in previous blogs. 

I had times where the battle for porn was very strong and others where it was long seasons of nothing! I once felt free from it in my twenties when I went to someone and wasn’t able to actually tell her but she gave me some good advice. I did what she said and it worked for a long time. I didn’t come to a place of healing from porn until just this past January. I shared some things that happened with a friend group and that confession brought healing. One friend shared her journey and it’s been a huge help to me. I had a heart change!  I had a moment of truly surrendering to Jesus! I needed that to be free of this hanging over me. I came to a moment of realization of what was being put into my mind and how that needed to end. Lust is really the hugest issue! Honestly I hated porn, I hated what it did to me! I hate what it does to others and marriages. There is no justifying it in my opinion! No judgement and no condemnation! I hope others can be free from it too!  

Helpful  resources: 

Fight the new drug is an incredible organization that isn’t faith based that shares a lot of resources and information about porn. 

https://fightthenewdrug.org/

The youversion Bible app has a lot of studies to read and do as well. Many on gettin free from porn! 

John Bevere has an incredible “porn free” series on the MessengerX app. There’s also another study about love and sex that is helpful too.  In January I decided to never watch it again! I was done! It’s been 6 months of freedom because I made a heart change! I made a decision that my honoring God with my body was important. It’s not easy and I commend anyone who wants freedom in this area! Don’t hesitate to reach out if you want prayer or someone alongside you in the journey!

Love in Christ

Janette 

 

I have someone else's body part.

 I’ve told this story countless times. It’s a part of me and my life journey. I forget even now that it happened sometimes. I’ve walked in freedom from fear over it for maybe ten years. Before that was a completely different story.  29 years ago today actually this happened to me! That is crazy to say for me. What a journey. . . 

I was eight years old in the summer of 1993. I was excited because my parents purchased a new squirt gun for each of us four children.  That was a big deal to me as we didn’t have a lot of money. Super soakers were all the rage that summer and we finally got one today, July 1st to be exact.  We got home and I went straight to the kitchen for scissors so I could cut open the package. What do I grab? Metal sewing scissors! These are old from the early 1900's and were owned previously by my great grandmother. They have a point at the end on the tip and not only were sharp but also heavy. For a child, they would have been awkward and not so easy to use.  I took everything to my room immediately and began to try and open the box. 

I remember exactly where I sat on the floor of my shared room with my sister. I looked up when my brother came to the door to tell me to stop. I didn't listen to him and he went back out. The binding on the box holding the squirt gun in was white and very thick. I put the scissors around that binding and pushed and cut with all my might. The box was on my lap and I was looking down at it. When the scissors finally went through the force of my right arm made them go up and the tip of the scissors sliced my left eye cornea in a horseshoe shape. Everything went blurry and I ran out to my parents.  My mom took me to the ER in the small town over and they sent us to a bigger hospital 45 minutes away. I remember them distinctly saying most eyes heal on their own 99% of the time but you are the 1%. We had no idea just how much my life would change. 

 We got to the larger hospital and my mom was making jokes with me, we discussed what the doctor would look like. It was a good distraction. He was the kindest man ever in reality and talk with dark hair.  His office wasn't far from the hospital either which was good for true time it took us to wait. I had five hours of repair surgery that night. I stayed in the hospital for five days. One of my most memorable July 4ths was the fireworks display from that hospital stay but I could only see with my right eye. The hospital is right next to the butte that they light fireworks off of in Bend, OR. We were lucky the nurse took us to the roof that night. She wheeled me into the elevator and off we went.  It felt like I could reach out and touch those fireworks. It was magical in the midst of trauma.  

My life went from being a normal kid running around and playing to immediate slowdown mode. No water/swimming, no running/jumping, no exercise, or anything physical was allowed. My eye was healing but the doctor noticed some imperfections and sent us to Casey Eye Institute in Portland that August. My doctor was fantastic there as well. He was so nice and friendly and I trusted him, thankfully. We saw the doctor in August and then he decided I needed a cornea transplant but I cannot remember the exact reasons why. This all went fairly quickly. In September of that same year just a month later, I had a corneal transplant. I didn't ask questions about where the cornea came from until I was sixteen. My mom shared it came from a 6-year-old boy who passed away in a car accident. I was shocked and so thankful. I wish I knew who that family was. I was so fortunate to get a match so quickly. 

It was not an easy recovery from surgery. I wore a patch and a thick contact over my eye for a long time. My mother and I stayed with my aunt and uncle for a while as I healed. My aunt Julie is one of my favorite people. I saw her a lot growing up and will always remember her kindness to me as a child. She is the sweetest woman and an incredible person. I recovered and because the pressure on your eye is so great I wasn't allowed to move very quickly. Take your own 8 almost 9-year-old and tell them to be slow and stop moving and then tell me how they might feel? 

I did not return to school until January. I had a tutor that came to the house for a few months. I had weekly or bi-weekly visits to the cornea specialist in Portland as well. God surely helped my parents get through this time. My father was ill from a rare disease, we lived in a home where so many things happened to us there, from a weird virus to extreme flu, to my dad being sick and my grandma having a brain tumor. It was not the best few years of our lives.  We moved out to a farm in the next town over and that next spring I was mad and flung the ladder swing that hung down from a large tree. It was very very windy and the wind flung it back in my face and popped the cornea. I had repair surgery again and I remember choosing to be awake while they took the stitches out this next time. I literally watched my doctor remove the stitches. It was a crazy amazing experience but at the same time extremely painful. I remember crying and crying on the way home from the pain. It was like a needle had scraped my eyeball over and over when the numbing drops wore off and we had to wait another hour or so to put them in. 

Corneas are the most successful transplant of all time and the one that has lived the longest as well. I rejected mine when I was a teen and that was a very hard process to walk through but with steroids and consistency, we got through it. I had a lot of fear with using scissors, and a great amount of fear with any sports or activities, if there was a slight scratchy feeling in my eye it was immediate fear of rejecting it. I battled so much of that fear until around age 30.  The last time I was scared was in 2020 when a student hit me in the face and knocked my glasses off, it’s not constant fear anymore but occasional. Whew, did it take me some time to calm that adrenaline down then!! He actually broke them and my work so graciously replaced them. 

I thank God my eye was not damaged as much as it could have been.  There are countless times when it was known that God intervened in my healing process. There are plenty more details left out here. This was one of the largest traumas of my life. I did not know how to process all of this. I had years stolen from having a normal childhood.  I am so grateful for the medical needs being met and for how well my eye is doing now. 

Until next time, 

Janette 

 

Can I be honest with you?

I can be honest about how I feel at the moment but can you understand that without judging me? Christians are sometimes the hardest people to talk to. Especially about subjects I want to share. Who is going to listen? Who is going to try and hear my story and where I am at? I have found nonbelievers so much more receptive. I hate that I have to say that. I can understand why people leave the church. I can see where the fear of Christians judgment can make you hide your sin. I walked through that myself. As I shared and opened up I felt love and empathy. I felt cared for and listened to by the people at my church. I feel so grateful to have believers around me that love others to Jesus. 

So here goes...

I miss relationships that were in my life even if they were not the healthiest. I miss the friendship and the encouragement and what some of these people meant to me. Giving them up was not easy, it was a progression of less and less communication. There can be healing and something beautiful in the midst of the darkness, little glimpses of light they gave me. I was so broken inside. People came along and lifted me out of that, to a certain extent. They showed me that I have worth, that I was beautiful and worthy of much more than I could see for myself. They encouraged my confidence and supported my life journey. A few people saw who I really was and liked me for me. But this type of relationship caused me to sin. It was not rooted in the Lord and only brought sadness and brokenness in the end. 

I can be truthful and say I miss someone from my past. I have cried countless tears about this subject.  I cannot be his friend, I cannot talk to him, I cannot be involved in his life or his mine, especially based on circumstances and what is right! It doesn't mean I do not miss him. I think I last talked to him 4-5 months ago but I am not sure the day... He was a huge cheerleader in my weight loss. He always supported me in what I was doing and had many kind things to say and was a friend I enjoyed talking to for most of last year.  There are others who supported my iamlosingthisweight account on Instagram as well but I do not miss them and got rid of that account. It was a very healthy decision to leave it behind.  

The worst part is that this man was married. I knew that from the beginning and we were just friends for a long time. He isn't someone I should have become friends with in the first place.  He is just a blip in time for me but yet had an impact on me in significant ways. No, not for the positive when it came to my relationship with Christ but in other ways, yes! Walking away from him and the lifestyle of last year was not easy.  I do not need support from people with the wrong view on relationships and where their morals differ from mine. I cannot be friends with people so closely that bring temptation to sin into my life. Men and women who are in committed relationships/married should not be good friends. I believe that wholeheartedly based on my experiences over the last 1.5 years. It stings to say I still miss him occasionally. How could I miss someone who brought sin into my life? No, it is not his fault alone, I fully knew what was going on.  I do not miss the sin, I miss the companionship and the camaraderie. I miss the support and kindness. He impacted me in ways I cannot share because I do not think it would be easy for some to understand. They say to hate the sin and not the sinner. I think that applies in this situation. He did not take advantage of me as I am sure some of you are wondering. 

This morning I prayed and released him to the Lord once again. Healing from unhealthy relationships doesn't just happen overnight. I am a life-long friend person. I love people deeply even if I do not say it or sometimes realize it. I hated moving away as a child because I always missed those who were around me. While other family members could move on, I would long for those I could not see again. If I am being truly honest my heart hurts. There are many complicated reasons why. I have to let myself be okay with that. I have to allow myself to grieve whatever I need to instead of just blocking it in my heart and mind.  I am a very deep and sensitive person. Something that may not mean anything to you could mean the world to me. Simple things bring me so much joy, for example, fog. Seriously, I get giddy when I see it, this feeling is rooted in a love for a childhood favorite book. I share this because it is so easy to pretend everything is alright. It is easy to judge another person and think they should be able to just move on. Everyone feels things differently. What affects one may not affect the other. 

Instead of looking for relationships, I have been diving into Christ for the last few months. I have opened myself up so much more to him. To surrender more of myself and fully rely on him has been the goal. I have so much more work to do but it is happening. January was such a wake-up call for me. I stumbled in a way I never thought I could but yet made perfect sense based on my thoughts and actions. I am not perfect but I am making choices to let go of the past and turn to God instead of man. He was always there, especially those Sundays I sat in the pew at church and cried my eyes out last summer. I was in the midst of turmoil while trying to serve God. I longed for freedom from where I was but was not strong enough yet to walk away. The process of turning from sin and letting Christ fill those places isn't instantaneous. It is not easy either when there is a stronghold in your life. Proverbs 18:10 says, "The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run into it and they are safe." I am where I need to be, safe in the Lord's arms now. I may peak out and long for the false freedom outside of that place but that is what it is a LIE. It is a false sense of security, only in God do we have a firm foundation. Letting the Lord have my heart and my life completely is my goal of 2022. To end this year by seeing how much he has worked on my heart and in my life. 

Have I perfectly navigated walking away? No!!! But the change and life lessons of the last few months have changed my life. I am walking with my head held higher, I have less anxiety and greater intimacy with Christ. I have a stronger foundation and actually spend my time reading the Word and praying. I have listened and stepped up with the call to prayer. I absolutely am terrified as I do not love speaking out but it is not about me. Leading a new Sunday Morning intercession time is out of my comfort zone but right where I feel led to be. I am excited about my future and where the Lord leads. 

It is okay that I miss someone. It is okay that I can share that. I do not need to fear others' thoughts on what I went through and am going through.  Being strong is tough. Staying strong in my convictions is not easy. It is not simple either. If you cannot understand that I hope you can try. I hope you can step back and look at situations differently. I hope that you can have the Love of Christ for those around you. I hope you can drop the religious stones and forgive and bring the love of God to people around you. I so appreciate the ones around me whom have supported me with love and kindness. 

This song by Kyndal Inskeep literally explains so much of the last few years for me. Being honest about what was happening inside was the most difficult.  Here are the lyrics. 

[Verse 1]
Every time I walk out of the house
Put on another face
Just to blend in with the crowd
So nobody sees me
You would never believe me

[Pre-Chorus]

I tell you that I'm whole, but I'm still healing
I tell you that I'm happy, but I'm grieving
Thought I was a fighter
I'm still in the fire

[Chorus]

But if I'm being honest
I'm not being honest
I'll give you roses just hopin' you don't see the weeds in my garden
If I'm being honest
I'm at my darkest
I'm sitting here waitin' and prayin' for someone to show me what love is
I'm just being honest
I'm just being honest

[Verse 2]

Every time I'm past the hardest part
Here comes another ghost just to pull me to the dark
I thought it was over
God, let this be over

[Chorus]

Cause if I'm being honest
I'm not being honest
I'll give you roses just hopin' you don't see the weeds in my garden
If I'm being honest
I'm at my darkest
I'm sitting here waitin' and prayin' for someone to show me what love is
I'm just being honest
I'm just being honest

[Bridge]

I tell you that I'm whole, but I'm still healing
I tell you that I'm happy, but I'm grieving
Thought I was a fighter
(Thought I was a fighter)
I'm still in the fire

[Chorus]

Cause if I'm being honest
I'm not being honest
I'll give you roses just hopin' you don't see the weeds in my garden
(Don't see it, don't see it, no)
If I'm being honest
I'm at my darkest
(I'm at my darkest)
I'm sitting here waitin' and prayin' for someone to show me what love is
I'm just being honest

Official video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKfEiTRT14g