Unimaginable sin

I made some major life mistakes in the last 12 months. I cannot even share what they are but they tore me up inside. There is nothing worth sinning for. There is no earthly desire or thing that can compare to obeying the Lord. I became someone I did not ever think I could be. I couldn't imagine ever becoming this person. It wasn't easy deciding to do what I was doing, but I didn't care. I didn't even want to end it. Conviction and the Holy Spirit spoke to me so clearly. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew that I didn't want to be that person. No matter how ridiculously hard it was to end, I needed to honor the Lord and be true to my convictions and what the Lord wants for my life.  Sinning blatantly is the worst, you know what you are doing is wrong and you ignore it. That wrestling in my soul was difficult especially when to the outside world I seemed to be a good Christian. It was a slow progression from August on battling my desire to sin and my desire to be right with the Lord. I sought help from women at church, I got some inner healing through forgiveness, I spoke with people who brought me to conviction in Love. It wasn't enough though, I stumbled along just broken up inside.  I had to come to a place of complete surrender and I was not there yet. 

Forgiving myself is the hardest thing. It’s easy to ask the Lord for forgiveness because you know it’s already given.  I was so upset with myself and the consequences of my actions. It’s a hurt deep inside I needed to heal from.  The guilt was plaguing me for so long. I felt crushed that I let myself get to this place of complete disobedience to the word of God and choosing to do something wrong.  I ignored the Lord and even cut some things out of my life that would have brought me closer to him out of shame, because how can I serve sin and Jesus at the same time? Making things right was a decision I had to come to.  I felt like my life was just a mess and getting out of it seemed impossible. I was trying to do it on my own and it doesn't work that way. Now, I let Jesus come in and fix it, he is the only one who could make it clean.  Everyday during that time period I was moved to tears, whether it is genuine sorrowfulness, being disappointed in myself, sad because I miss my friend or friends whom I let go, or heartbroken over my choices it all added onto my emotional state.  My heart hurt in more ways than one. I know that the Lord is the only one who could mend it.   I chose to end some friendships, take a social media break besides Facebook, delete some apps that aren't worth keeping, refocus my time and energy into the Lord. I decided that making decisions that really get me to where I want to be in life are most important. It took time and stumbling along to get me to where I wanted to be.  That wasn't the end though of the story. While I tried hard, I didn't get to the root of the issues. I didn't have control over it like I wanted because I didn't surrender my whole life to Jesus. 

In January, I made a choice to run to a man instead of God. I was in a situation that made me feel empty and just not good. I went to the guy instead of Jesus, that was very eye-opening to me. It was like hitting rock bottom in a sense. While the experience with him was positive and I genuinely liked him, he was not who I should have gone to in my moment of weakness and stupidity. I walked away from that experience and thought, "Lord how could I go to someone else in my time of need?"  I ended that friendship/relationship in February and it was hard to do. He really was a nice guy and we were just in two different places and jumped into things too fast.  He was kind and made me feel special and if I didn't want to honor God with my life it would have been easy to just get lost in something with him.  He loves the Lord too but it just was the wrong timing. We both came from a place of brokenness and saw the good in each other but it wasn't right. After that, I deleted all dating apps, I came to a place of sharing my struggles and bringing them to light with those around me who are Christians. I got Godly wisdom instead of listening to the world telling me to just explore and do what I want.  I saw patterns that led me to that moment. Coping mechanisms that I had learned in the past and they were a reality.

You see... in 2021 I got a lot of attention from men and women I had never had before because of weight loss. This was not easy to handle. When the world sees your journey and pulls you into their thinking of exploring and doing whatever you want, it is not simple to just walk away from. I was becoming close with people I should not be. I had connections with people who steered me in the wrong thinking. I did things unimaginable. I was so confused on what to do when all along in my heart I knew what was right and wrong but yet here was a group of people supporting me and seeing the real me emerge with my weight loss.  Men saw my vulnerability and took advantage of that. No I do not blame anyone for my actions but they had a huge part in it. I was naïve to the ways of the world honestly. I had no clue what I was walking into and didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to. I feel like this is a problem in the church. Fear of judgement and not talking about real issues and real things lest we be cast out, is how many of us feel.    If I knew I wouldn't be judged and would have had support and people to come clean to, it would have been so much easier.  Perfection is something we seem to hold others accountable to. There are countless people in the Christian world who are chastised for mistakes. Sorry but we hold people in the bible in high regard but yet if you look at their sins they are unimaginable or deemed unforgivable in todays world. Murder, adultery, incest etc to name a few! God sees sin as sin. a lie is the same as murder to him. Think about that for a minute, it isn't about the kind or type of sin to him its about the heart and what is in it. That was a statement that helped me heal. My sin wasn't worse than someone else's, I wasn't unworthy of his love and forgiveness because my sin was in a certain area most Christians deem as the worst! I am not broken or damaged and I saw myself as that for so so long!

As I talked about my last year journey with people in my life, I heard their stories and felt so much more at peace because I was not alone. You see, I am not the only one with some of these struggles but yet it felt like I was because people do not talk about sexual sin openly. Yes, there it is I said it. (I didn't intend to share so much when I started writing for fear of judgement but I am secure in myself now to know I can be honest despite others opinions) My story begins at 6 years old being awakened sexually. No it is not a fun story and I didn't know what to do, or who to tell, or that there was a reason to tell. I felt so much shame and uneasiness about it growing up. I will spare the details but have been influenced by porn, boyfriends, married men, men on the internet and people in general. I struggled with sexual sin for many years even though I was technically a "virgin" during that time.   Being a virgin is nothing, being pure in your mind and actions is more important! There is a generation of us out there who were told do not have sex before marriage. Sex wasn't defined! Intercourse is only a small part of sex anyways.  Intentions and actions and mind sets are key in this. If you are struggling in any of these areas, you are far from alone!!  If you can relate to any of this, I am happy to talk with you. God is doing amazing things to help me restore my relationship with him and bring me to a place of intimacy and seeking his face. I am just so thankful I could forgive myself and let go of the guilt. This was the most difficult parts, knowing that I could walk away from what I knew was right and enter into things that were completely wrong especially when it involved the sanctity of marriage. During this time I still went to church, I tried so hard to rid myself of my behaviors. I wept and wept every Sunday and vowed to try again. I walked away and always ran right back to the things pulling me away.  I lived a double life, believing one thing with my head but not proceeding with the actions in my heart. Actions always speak louder than words, especially in my case! 

For now I will leave this here. There are many things that lead to my stumbling and coping mechanisms are part of that from the childhood trauma. If you want to talk, I am here. If you are struggling, you are not alone. I want to honor God and that is why I am choosing what I have for my life, not for anyone else or anything else other than him!  

In Christ alone is how I can be bold enough to share. God loves us so much and knowing that is a key to forgiving ourselves and others.

💗 Janette 

Finding wholeness

Sometimes I feel like I’m broken.  Ya know? I can’t function normally, my body isn’t finding its new normal yet after surgery.  My heart is sad and a little broken right now.  But in spite of circumstances, I don’t have to feel that way. Recently there have been two sermons on Psalm 23.  One was about rest and the other about being in the valley but letting God hold you in that spot. He doesn’t leave you or forsake you. I needed that, when I feel like I’m walking in that valley of the shadow of death, I can fear no evil because he is with me.  How much do I take that for granted?!?    

I’ve had complications since surgery. I can’t do a lot physically without a ton of pain. It’s humbling to have to stay in bed a lot. I didn’t use my time as wisely as I should have recently. Navigating dating, friendships, attention and attraction has not been easy. I have a few different social media accounts and posting progress photos and about my journey has brought a lot of attention, not all of it has been positive.  Learning lessons about life and people in the last few months has been hard. I’m not perfect and haven’t ever been. I’ve never had this much attention in my life. I never knew people could find me attractive and want to get to know me, some of them in the wrong sort of way.  I’m taking a social media break so I can set up boundaries and delete people who aren’t really interested in my real journey but just what I look like.  I feel like I just connected with people to fill voids and pieced them all together but just feel empty inside at the end of the day. I’ve met some amazingly nice people, women and men who have become great friends and supporters but I don’t want to live my life on social media. Editing what’s really important and what’s necessary is my next step.  So doing what I have to do isn’t easy but it’s worth it. 

This is “Forgiveness,” by Jason Upton and such a healing song for me  

Grieving is a part of the journey
Saying goodbye to who I thought I was
Life is a mystery, full of twists and turns
One little lesson that I've learned

Forgiveness, is our healing medicine
Forgiveness, when we just can't forget
Sharper than any sword, stronger than any war
It's not easy, but I know it's a gift from You
I know it's a gift from You

We're all a part of a family
The family is growing again
And we will fall and break and bruise
Get back up with open wounds
And choose to trust again

Forgiveness, is our healing medicine
Forgiveness, when we just can't forget
Sharper than any sword, stronger than any war
It's not easy, but I know it's a gift from You
Yeah, I know, it's a gift from You

You never said that it was easy
You know what it's like to lose
Through power of forgiveness
You make all things new
You make all things new

A little faith can move the mountains
How much faith will it take to
Let go of the pain we're in
Reach out to the world again
And keep holding on to You

Forgiveness, is our healing medicine
Forgiveness, when we just can't forget
Oh, it's sharper than any sword, stronger than any war
It's not easy, but I know it's a gift from You
Yeah, it is
I know it's a gift from You

We say, Father, forgive them
They know not what they do
They know not what they do
Father, forgive them
They know not what they do
They know not what they do

We say, Father, forgive us
We know not what we do
We know not what we do
Oh Father, forgive us
We know not what we do
We know not what we do

Forgiveness, is our healing medicine
Forgiveness, when we just can't forget
Sharper than any sword, stronger than any war
It's not easy, but I know it's a gift from You

A little bit about what’s going on in my heart right now. 

I have a really good friend that I was interested in being more than friends with but he is not.  That was a hard truth to face. I let myself get close to him recently and had hope that he might possibly be interested.  I mistook our close friendship for something it wasn’t.  I’m extremely sad about it and realized I let myself care deeply for him more than I should have.  I had to let the friendship go for now because I can’t be close to him right now and it’s not fair to love someone alone. Yes, I said, “love.” No, I didn’t know I went there with my feelings until one random afternoon listening to some music. I had to grieve our close friendship and the fact that I let myself fall for someone unavailable emotionally to me. I love him as a friend and a close one but a little bit more than that.  It’s a hard truth to realize but I have to just guard my heart in the future. Crying is therapy for me, so many tears have been shed.  I do not blame him or want any of this to be his fault. I am the one who knowingly took a chance and it wasn't reciprocated. Sometimes people just don't feel the same or want a relationship and that is what happened. It is a lonely place to be one sided and that wasn't fair to him or me, so it was time to let that go no matter how difficult it is. 

During this time another man has been Interested in me.  He lives far away. We have a lot in common and he asked to be exclusive but after saying yes, I had no peace about it. I really do genuinely like him but know it’s just not right at this time. I need to heal my hurts and my heart right now.  I don’t think I can do 2227 miles apart either.  This is also sad but I’m not ready. I can’t go from one person to the next. It’s not fair to him or to me.  

So many potential people but most live far away  I’ve decided to try and back off from potentially dating for now. Just need time for me right now.  When a huge part of my life's desire is marriage and family it’s hard to learn to trust and let go of that want to connect with people right now.  It’s just really important at this moment I figure out what exactly I want and what I’m okay with in a relationship.  Long distance is just too hard unless I can drive there in a day! 

Thank you for reading this and for being supports in my life! Taking time to let God bring wholeness to my heart and my life.  I need to trust him and not try to do everything on my own! Creating time to be close to the Lord is most important at this time. Getting to a place of rest in him rather than striving for something I do want! I know he has a plan and I know I can trust in him. He has been ever so faithful to me! 

Mother’s Day woes.

My hearts desire from childhood has been to be a mother.  My life is so different than I planned all those years ago. I thought for sure by 36 I would have been married with several children. But here I am, childless, not married and not even dating. (Online dating doesn’t count) I didn’t take care of myself for so many years. I lost a lot of time but still have hope. I’m having surgery on my uterus in 2 weeks. Please pray for continued healing and wholeness. My treatment plan is going well and my prospects of having children are great. This whole bump in the road has taken a toll on me. The things I’ve gone through in the last 6 months haven’t been easy. Fear and anxiety have been prevalent. I feel extra supported right now and I’m grateful for that. I have to trust in the Lord for my future.   

I had to forgive myself for not prioritizing my own life. For not dealing with my trauma and ignoring or avoiding what was clearly an issue, my obesity.  Proud of all my changes this last year.   These changes came later than I’d have hoped but now I’m figuring out my life.  I have hope for the future and know good things are in store. 

Yes, I nannied 35 children in 16 years but it’s not the same.  Loving those children some like my own was easy but yet hard. My first nanny kid I was so close with, I cried for three months when it ended.  It was like my heart was ripped out of my chest. Letting people go and moving on from jobs was the toughest part.  I recently had an interview for two babies this fall as I contemplated going to grad school.  I loved the idea of it but inside I knew my heart couldn’t handle getting attached to a baby, let alone two if it wasn’t mine.  I ended nannying because I was to the point of wanting a new career but also my heart wasn’t into it anymore. Going home with empty arms every night was hard.  So many of them I still love and think about.  When I’m working at my desk I miss the freedom of being outside and doing fun projects. Nannying was an amazing career  So many mothers who have trusted me with their babies. It’s been an honor to work for incredible women.  

But am I really okay?

 I’ve dealt with some real fears lately. You know the kind that I can justify because it really is scary.  But is that really an excuse to not let the Lord into that place of fear? Anxiety that feels crippling. Overwhelmed to the point of crying everyday.  Losing grip on reality because I’m worried about what this means and why it’s happening.  

In the fall I had some issues with my menstrual cycle. January given an option and it made it worse to the point of having to take medication to stop everything. Then in February they wanted to do a procedure that I couldn’t do because of anxiety.  I was given a new medication for three months and sent on my way.  This medication made me have horrible side effects and to the point of it being extremely scary a few days. I also was having extremely painful contractions. This was traumatic for me and trying to work from home in the midst of pain and hormonal emotions was horrid. I felt like I was having a breakdown almost daily.  It got to the point of medical intervention and they put me on a different pill but now I need an endometrial biopsy. Probably one of the top ten worst days in life was that day, learning the pill is failing me while in agonizing pain and I need the procedure immediately but they couldn’t schedule it until April 12th.  I laid in bed with so many thoughts and emotions. I couldn’t handle this news. I had so many hopes of figuring it out. All the thoughts of worry and anxiousness about the procedure came flooding in.  That was three weeks ago.  I’m still processing and clinging to scripture.  I have a lot more peace now but am nervous.  Just a few more days now. 

How can I be an emotional wreck and give of myself to others right now. My job is literally as a support system and teacher of child development to parents.   If my brain is scattered I’m not doing a very good job.  I have felt like I was failing at my job lately.  It’s overwhelming and a lot of work.  When your mind isn’t right it’s hard to focus and get things done. I’ve considered a career change so that I’m not overwhelmed.  That is scary but might be necessary. I’m emotionally invested in the lives of my families.  I need to separate my work and personal life and that is hard to do when I’m working in my room where I do life outside of work. I was okay in the beginning but now see it’s not the best practice.  Making some changes to my space is helping and being more aware of how I feel is too.  

I feel like myself again and after crazy emotional weeks. I am more even keel. It’s such a relief to not be so emotional at all moments of the day. Of course I’m a sensitive person and tender hearted so crying happens quickly for me but not like it was.  I cried at the craziest things.  I felt so random before and am gaining my sense of control back.  Trying to figure out my new normal. 

decisions decisions decisions

 How often do we second guess ourselves? I’m always second guessing my choices and decisions.  Choosing a job is the worst for me.  I enjoy my job but it’s overwhelming at times.  Isolated in my room is super hard working during covid.  Contemplating graduate school, contemplating a new relationship, contemplating a career change! What does the future hold? Endless possibilities are out there and yet I just want to know and control. It’s hard giving up control of things in life for me. It’s unnerving.  I’m a planner, I want to know what’s coming and what’s happening. Trusting the Lord for my future is hard! Giving up control isn’t easy.   I’m learning to let go and let God. I am stressed out with my job and thinking of a career change is frightening. I’m hoping with the weather changing I can get out of the house and out of my winter blues.  

I’m not very good at dating either.  I feel like I’m too picky and judgmental.  I think that I am looking for something so specific it’s hard for me to give others a chance.  I also always like the ones who never like me back. Friend zoned is the place I’ve always been.  I’m nervous to continue with people because I so don’t want to make the wrong choice and then miss the right one. Some may think we can’t miss it but we have free will and make choices. I always want the best timing and get overwhelmed with changes. I’ve never gotten male attention while being so overweight.  As I lose weight it has increased. Something I am not used to and scares me. I wasn’t very good with it when I was younger. Lord teach me patience.   I also just want to chat all day long and am not very good at holding back. I am experiencing different personalities. I’m thankful that I’m an ambivert! I can understand both sides of that part of someone’s personality.  I am learning through this process of getting to know men that what I do or say is just as important as what they do or say. How am I presenting myself? Am I being authentic? I sure hope so! 

So while feeling like huge changes are coming I’m learning to let my sense of control go. The hardest thing for me in this season.  I’ve dealt with some physical issues this year that have brought anxiety and uncertainness. This caused in me overwhelming feelings and trying to work with it all has been difficult. To be honest, it’s sad how little I gave it to the Lord.  Surrender is necessary, Lord help me to lay down my burdens and focus on you! How much time do I spend on things that are meaningless? How much time do I invest in what the Lord wants to do in my life? Really focusing on my relationship with Christ and how I need to increase my time spent with Jesus. 

I’m seeking counsel and not keeping things to myself and that’s helping me tremendously.   I tend to isolate and hide away but am seeing how detrimental that has been to my mental state and quality of life. Having others who can pray and walk along side my decisions is so important. So grateful for all the new connections I have and the faithful people speaking into me! Taking a leap of faith whatever area of my life this year will be exciting and I’m praying for the Lords best! 

Compliments or insecurities?

When you have low self worth or low self esteem you see your mistakes and your insecurities are at the forefront of your mind. Past employers have said so many nice compliments about me but all I could see in my mind was how I wasn’t that great.  There is a pharmacist in my town I worked for just two weeks in 2017 because his wife lost her job while I was there.  He complimented me in 2019 when he recognized me after I said, “hello,” picking up a prescription. He mentioned, “you’re the best one we had.” I didn’t think it could be true.  I had a hard time accepting it.  I did think of those two weeks and how I organized their pantry, helped the 9 year old organize her drawers as it was her responsibility to put laundry away and she had no space. Then we played games and made Hello Fresh dinners together. I truly liked them. I enjoyed my years nannying. They weren’t easy!!! Last year a mental health consultant in the classroom complimented me on how I was able to continue relationships with children who were not easy to love based on behavior. It meant so much to me but I played it off! That was truly so kind and it’s true. Basing relationships on behavior is not always going to work. Someone could act horrible to you but there might be something going on behind the scenes. It’s important to know that and recognize people have flaws. Sometimes it is just temporary. 

When you’re with children all day it isn’t some walk in the park. Teaching them, guiding them, feeding, clothing, bathing, playing, etc happens.  I hate when people call their nanny a babysitter.  Sorry, but I’m not just here to sit while they watch movies and sleep. I’m literally helping you raise your children.  That’s a huge responsibility.  16 years of hard work that I absolutely loved. So many children in my heart! So many good memories and some not so good. I dealt with guilt throughout the years for not always being the best version of myself. Hire an overweight nanny... she may not have as much energy but she will love your kids like her own! I was always afraid in interviews of getting judged for my weight, but I found so many good families to work for. I only had two experiences that weren’t the best. One family was used to a quiet reserved nanny. I was 22 and wanted to fellowship with people  I was used to being more involved in raising the children. They gave some excuse and then I left after 4.5 months in southern CA. Then in Medford I nannied for a family that wanted me to be a fun aunt in the morning to her three children, they didn’t want to get ready for school! Seriously the 8 year old was coddled and it made it so hard! I loved the girls and the dad though. Just not the best fit for me. There are times I could have done more, said yes more, been less selfish. Processing memories and the thoughts or feelings associated with them is important.  Forgiving myself has been the hardest! It’s so worth it though! 

So much of my identity was wrapped up in my insecure appearance. I hated what I looked like. I hated that I didn’t have as much energy as others as I got over age 30. I hated that I wasn’t the best version of myself! I’ve struggled with how I see myself as well as how others see me. It’s easier to hide away than to get out there and get judged. So much around me is based on weight,  compliments when you lose weight build you up but often feel fake and like you were worthless with more weight on your body. What happens when someone gains weight? The compliments end! The genuine interest in that person decreases. I’ve seen it time and time again! Please be kind to people who are obese. They deserve just as much love and attention!  So please compliment people on accomplishments, on character, on who they are... not what they wear, not what they look like and definitely not just on weightloss. Yes, I love hearing all the kind words, but that shouldn’t be the only focus of people’s words to me! 

Missing what I always wanted.

 I always thought I’d get married and have children when I was younger in my twenties but it didn’t happen  that disappointment was hard. I pursued people until about 30 but after that started not caring as much. I didn’t have anyone to like! I didn’t meet people in school or while working as a nanny. I missed out on a lot of life because of my weight. Which I’m no longer letting hold me back. 

Sitting in the background is what I’ve done for many years. I dated age 15 until I was around 22-23. I didn’t date because of my weight after that much. I was definitely interested in a lot of guys but they never worked out or always liked someone else.  The friend zone is where I’m always at.  The last time I was pursued by a man was in 2014 and that ended awkwardly. Plus kissing him was weird  (ha) I just didn’t have physical chemistry with him. We were study partners in a college class he was 41, I was 30. I had also decided to move to Portland in just a few months. I guess I did have a guy interested in me at PCC in 2015. I literally used my brother on the phone pretending to be my boyfriend.  He was obsessed with me in class 🥴😆.    Online dating is a joke these days 1% of professing Christians are Christ followers, the greatest desire is just to find someone to have sex with then maybe find a relationship on that path. I’m not sleeping around!! So that brings the amount of people to a very tiny percentage that are in an age range I’m comfortable with.  

When I think of myself I think of the movie shallow Hal. How he sees the larger woman as truly beautiful.  In reality she is not the ideal Hollywood sized babe but he falls in love with her.  He makes a connection and then sees her flaws of weight and is shocked.  How could he of all people fall for a girl like that?  Like she is less than because of her weight. Like she deserves less because of her size.  This is absolutely untrue and  something I deal with. Who is going to want me? I have loose skin, I don’t have a perfect body and never will.. That doesn’t make me worth less than another woman. My body is still worthy of love and attention  I’m just patiently pursuing relationships at this point.

Society says I’m not beautiful and I’m not worthy of love because my body isn’t perfect. Well that isn’t what God says about me. That isn’t how I feel about myself anymore. I’m reading “So long Insecurities,” by Beth Moore. It’s such a good book! It’s helping me see those places in myself that I need to change and work on.   Insecurity isn’t all about outward appearances and not conditional to American beauty standards. 

I’ve been really bold lately in pursuing relationships with Men. Hey a few have been ruled out and one friend zoned me that I really like! That’s okay, one day I’ll meet a man who sees my worth and I’m excited for the future.  I always stayed on the side before because I didn’t think anyone could want a fat chick who wasn’t confident in who she was. I used my outside appearance as a hinderance.  Well now that I’m working on it and making healthier choices I’m not anywhere near being slender but I’m not afraid of what could be now.  I’m not waiting around anymore.  It hurts when people talk about your singleness when you’re in your mid 30’s.  Sorry but don’t put pressure on single women. We have enough to deal with you have no idea what’s going on in our minds!