Limbo? What does that even mean?

Right now I feel on edge, a little anxious and maybe even worried-which is something I am not used to. I feel like crying for no solid reason. Nervousness is getting ahold of me while I should be trusting and relying on the Lord's provision. You may not believe in God but for me, my life has been entrusted to the one who saved my soul, Jesus!

I hate being in Limbo! You might ask me what does limbo even mean? So what did I do? Google it! Limbo means, "an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition. (Thanks google)"  

I am a person that only has the patience for a few things and waiting for feedback is not one of them! (Yes I am working on it) I applied for a great position 3 weeks ago and received an interview quickly, within a week they called asking me to fill out some paperwork and had called all of my references. I absolutely want this job and got excited about it. It is dependant on a process that takes 10-45 days. They were able to rush the paperwork and I turned my last required piece of the application in a week ago. I have access to the website that will show the result of the application and what happens during the process. Since last Thursday nothing has changed. I keep checking because I think by Friday the place of employment needs feedback or I will be passed up for this position. I am applying for more jobs as well. I even applied to one that I really would have loved an interview for and thought it would fit in my love of working with families. Sadly I wasn't viewed as someone who could do the job and my discussion with one of the hiring people didn't go very well. I felt that I was a little judged because I never heard back and applied over a month ago. I may not have had the exact experience for the job but I know I would do well at it.

In the last month, a lot of changes have happened. I did a wonderful internship and then bam one day about 5 weeks in I received an email that it had ended for some odd reason and then they said I could volunteer as an overnight host. I responded to the two people in charge of me asking for feedback and clarification. I did not receive an email from either one. It was very disappointing. I even applied for a position there. I am so sad. I put my 4-week notice into my job ending October 8th believing I would find a great job closer to the field my degree is in. I have been jobless for two weeks now. I didn't expect this time period. I know it takes time but I am just ready for something new.

Financially I prepared for October and have paid all of my bills just fine. I am doing side jobs for gas and food but November is quickly approaching and I need a paycheck by the 15th. I have rent covered. I am okay but the overwhelmingness of my decisions and changes is getting to me. I canceled all of my subscriptions to television and movie websites. I need to detox from distraction and getting lost in a tv show is not going to help me in the future. I also deleted some apps on my phone and just need a break from easy distractions. Today I stayed in bed too long but got up and cleaned my bathroom. Depression is easy to fall into and I am determined to not let it sink in.

I am very thankful to have had my nanny career for so long. Yes, I said career. Sadly someone scoffed at my wording of career and it was someone I even nannied for. That made me upset and it felt like I was inferior to them because my career was "just" watching children. You may not value the work I have done or think being a nanny is worth the wage I was paid or that it is a mindless job, but I could argue with you for days the opposite.

Trust, what does that look like for me? Do I truly rely on God? Am I giving up control and really believing in his faithfulness? These are the thoughts I am dwelling on today. Having faith over fear is where I am at. Believing that I will be provided for and it will be okay even if I do not have everything planned or in control. He is always on time!

Celebrating a wonderful life update to Raw Emotion

I just wanted to update. Sadly my friend's wonderful mother passed away in December. A few blogs back I talked about hearing for the first time of her battle with cancer. This wonderful lady was very instrumental in my life helping me to work through some emotional things and do some inner healing. She was a wonderful intercessor and I enjoyed my time in her home, as well as praying with her at the church. Her son is a great friend and I am so sad for him to lose not only his mom but one of his best friends. Thankful for her life on this earth although it was cut short.  Although I haven't attended church with her in over 4 years or talked to her in a while I will miss her. To my friend Matt as he mourns his mom, I wish you blessings and healing throughout this next season of life.  Love you friend! Glady heading down tomorrow for her celebration of life!

Christine Valladao you will be missed!

Am I authentic in my relationships?

First off I cannot get enough of this song!
https://youtu.be/nuLcXw7B5lQ

Secondly, I miss my social media! I currently am doing a media fast and while it is helpful, I find myself missing the daily musings of my so-called friends on Facebook. I miss Instagram friends as well but more their pictures and glimpses of how they do life. I enjoy peering into other peoples lives even if we are not close or see each other in person.  There is something about social media that seems to connect and divide us at the same time. Without it, I feel very disconnected from the outside world. I do not watch or read the news and have no idea what is going on in the world at the moment other than a few articles on yahoo.com about the government shut down.  I have no idea what is going on in several peoples lives and that is okay. I feel like it has shown me who my true friends are. People who have taken the time to text, call or message me have shown that they care about me outside of social media. In reality, it is a very small select few and that makes me a little sad but at the same time happy for the ones who are in my life. It makes me question whether I am a good friend? Do I take the time to contact people outside of Facebook and Instagram? I had coffee or a meal with four people in the last 3 weeks that I haven't seen in a while or gone out with before. It was refreshing to meet with friends face to face.  My goal is to nurture those relationships in 2019. To stop being on the surface and connect with people. Just right now I thought of someone I should see and texted her! Face to face relationships should mean more to me than virtual ones.

Third and last, I loved my life in Medford, my friends, families I nannied for, church family, and fellow classmates. I have lived in the Portland metro area for over four years. The first two were the hardest and I missed my life so much but now I do not yearn for anything other than what I have now. I have a hard time transitioning from one are to the next because I want to be in relationship with people and enjoy my time. Cultivating friendships is hard, especially without a stable church life. I have gone to my church for almost a year and enjoyed it so much more than I thought I could. It has taken time and effort but I am content at the moment. I craved having good friends for a long time. I have a few here and it has felt like home for about 6 months. I am so thankful to be in such a good place in life at the moment.