No one talks about the layers of trauma

 I’ve been delving into processing my childhood trauma for a few years. Once you think you’ve gotten through the worst a new layer seems to be peeled off. Tonight I had an unexpected protective factor come to the surface.  I couldn’t contain my overwhelming emotional response and didn’t see it coming. Just when all is right with the world another trigger pops up and I am forced to do the inner work. 

My last blog talks about my realization of where my tense physical state comes from, if you haven't read it go back and read it first. I’ve been doing many things to work on not constantly staying in a tense physical state, most recently continuing massages. I enjoy them despite some pain. They can be relaxing but also very therapeutic. My insurance offers twelve a year with a co-pay of $25.  I began in late fall and have enjoyed them. Tonight I saw a woman for the second time and she’s incredible at working the muscles in ways that are not for just relaxing but stretching and working deeply without crazy pressure. We laugh at how she has to tell me to let go and relax. I have a hard time letting go enough to just let her go for it. We talk and I’m comfortable with her. She is knowledgeable and I know I’m there for body work, not just a fun massage. I was very tense/sore in my legs from a workout Tuesday night. We started on my quads and she did some inner thigh work and I was fine. We joked about how we just don’t care anymore when it comes to being self-conscious about our bodies and I shared nannying stories about one particular little girl who had to touch my chest to fall asleep.  I just don’t worry about people touching me anymore. She said it was mainly a mom thing and could understand how being a nanny you sort of don’t have personal space boundaries with infants and toddlers. She was great and right at the end went to work on my hamstrings. I couldn’t relax my leg and felt myself tense up. I then realized it was a protective factor after I told her I’m tense because of trauma. My body was protecting me and stayed tense so I was keenly aware of what was happening. What was shocking was that the front was totally fine for her to work on, but the hamstrings in the back were triggering. She asked how I was doing? And I burst into tears. I got this whoosh of emotion I couldn’t handle. My body has been tense for over 30 years protecting little me. It hurts to know that all of this didn’t have to happen. I had no idea how emotional or intense this feeling would be. I got myself together and she reassured me it was a safe space. She finished right then and we ended the night as it was time to be done anyways. I walked to my car and the minute I sat down I couldn’t stop crying, the drive home was a messy face and puffy eyes. I had no warning of this response in my body. I went from completely fine to immediate emotional release. I am not sure where to go from here but I see my counselor Monday and we will discuss some of this. 

I had no idea that 2023 would be continuing the trauma healing. I feel blessed to have the insurance I do and be able to work through what I have. I will continue to improve my life the best that I can and am incredibly proud of the work I have done. This is just another testimony to how someone may look okay on the outside but yet be dealing with something incredibly intense on the inside. Remember to give people grace. 

Thanks for listening

Janette 

When the wind gets knocked out of you...

 This New Year's holiday was a time of rejoicing that the hard yet triumphant year had ended and a new more joyful one would begin. I had such hope that lasted for a few days before smack I was hit in the face with reality on Thursday at a physical therapy appointment nonetheless. That knockdown really opened up revelation to my whole life though. A simple question of, "Do you have any sexual trauma?" and the statement, "That's not normal." after I shared broke me down.  I let her know something that I have felt since I was 6 years old around the time when the trauma happened, It was the key to why I was seeing her and why I am so tense at times. I felt so sad for a moment and hid my emotional state from her before we logged off the video call.  I broke down on the way home from work where I had been the last to leave as we did a video here at my empty office. I was stunned that I had the missing puzzle piece as to why I was experiencing what I am and why I had issues in the past.   Everything suddenly made sense in my world and I didn't know that was what I needed. 

Trigger warning and very intimate personal information. I am happy to share my story but please be respectful of what I have to say!

My sexual trauma has played the largest part in the last few years of my life. If I didn't have a medical issue with my uterus I would not have discovered the cause of so many of my medical mysteries. The beginning of everything began when I was 6. This event ruined a lot of my life. It took away so much from me and I had no idea the impact until the last few years. Getting a degree in Psychology in 2019 really was what kickstarted my own mental healing and figuring out how to climb out of the pit I was in.  Almost two years ago I had an endometrial biopsy that was very painful and nerve-wracking. I took a drug to calm me down and relax so I could get through the exam and barely made it through without saying NO. You see, I was a virgin at the time and when they placed the speculum it was very difficult. I never used tampons because they never felt right. I never used anything in my vagina prior to that besides having a few paps, one at 19 and one a few months before my biopsy. I was so tense because that is what I learned in response to my sexual trauma but at the time didn't know where it came from. After 30 years of experiencing my body reacting to the trauma, there is no question as to what started my being tense. Staying a virgin was not an easy choice and I am glad that I did not let anything happen previously as it would most likely have been a disaster and super painful.  I took a relaxing medication before the appointment and after it wore off several hours later, it felt like the speculum used for the exam was still inside me. Honestly, it felt like I was raped. That was actually traumatic on its own and I took a few days off of work. I could never figure out why this was the case until just a few days ago.  My PT was very kind in her responses and after 3 surgeries and 8 biopsies plus pelvic floor PT, I am doing quite well. I am able to relax a lot more and not have issues with most exams. I am confident with time all will be fine and have already experienced a lot of relief and changes. 

I have had some bad experiences with male doctors and one gaslighting me when it came to pain and telling me I should have none or that he didn't know why I was in pain as I yelled out in August.  He had no respect and said he was sorry I had pain at the very end of the visit but not for his part in hurting me or understanding his patients could be trauma survivors. He continued the exam without believing me that I had an IUD and had felt the strings myself often. He ignored my wishes and did not take into consideration what I had said and tried to find or feel them himself. Not being heard is the most hurtful thing but yet add in a pelvic exam to that equation and that is how I felt. I will not see that man again and complained about his bedside manner. Even his nurse ignored me and did not offer any comfort or help/hot packs. NOTHING. My doctor is the kindest human being and knows how to talk to her patients and be reassuring. This dude didn't care one bit about me or how I felt. I thank God for Dr Stanek and her kindness to me. During this last biopsy at the end of December, she looked at me and was very optimistic about the results. She was kind and truthful. She reassured me as I cried as this has been a long road.  

I am in the healing stage now and have gained the best biopsy results just at the end of December. My body is somewhat broken still but constantly changing and improving.  Lots of PT, exercising, exams, and therapy tools are getting me to where I need to be. I have had multiple successes and am on my way to completing recovery as best as it can be. I am proud that I have worked so hard on myself. This last round of medication has kicked me down but I have begun to stand back up and fight long-covid and medication side effects. I have some lifelong effects from that trauma and for that, I am not ashamed. It is hard to look at my body or know what aspects of my body are because of trauma but I am not living in a place of defeat any longer. This is not something I voluntarily caused so I cannot blame myself for where my body is at. The statement "the body keeps the score." is so very true! My body processed my trauma in a way that continued until I was 36 years old and began to unravel the way I was wound up. 

I share my life with others because I believe real life is powerful and hiding in shame or being silent about reality brings no healing or peace. If anyone else can relate or understand how I feel then the purpose of writing this is fulfilled. A tiny snippet of what I have dealt with is now out in the universe and I am happy to share. My life story is not defined by these experiences and my body does not dictate my worth. I have value despite my past. I am a whole person even if a bit broken physically, but improving daily. I didn't choose my trauma even if I made choices as an adult to contribute to the effects of the trauma (being severely obese or ignoring symptoms in my body). I did not take care of myself and that was truly a coping mechanism to many traumas in childhood but that's for another day. 

Thank you for listening

Janette