Finding wholeness

Sometimes I feel like I’m broken.  Ya know? I can’t function normally, my body isn’t finding its new normal yet after surgery.  My heart is sad and a little broken right now.  But in spite of circumstances, I don’t have to feel that way. Recently there have been two sermons on Psalm 23.  One was about rest and the other about being in the valley but letting God hold you in that spot. He doesn’t leave you or forsake you. I needed that, when I feel like I’m walking in that valley of the shadow of death, I can fear no evil because he is with me.  How much do I take that for granted?!?    

I’ve had complications since surgery. I can’t do a lot physically without a ton of pain. It’s humbling to have to stay in bed a lot. I didn’t use my time as wisely as I should have recently. Navigating dating, friendships, attention and attraction has not been easy. I have a few different social media accounts and posting progress photos and about my journey has brought a lot of attention, not all of it has been positive.  Learning lessons about life and people in the last few months has been hard. I’m not perfect and haven’t ever been. I’ve never had this much attention in my life. I never knew people could find me attractive and want to get to know me, some of them in the wrong sort of way.  I’m taking a social media break so I can set up boundaries and delete people who aren’t really interested in my real journey but just what I look like.  I feel like I just connected with people to fill voids and pieced them all together but just feel empty inside at the end of the day. I’ve met some amazingly nice people, women and men who have become great friends and supporters but I don’t want to live my life on social media. Editing what’s really important and what’s necessary is my next step.  So doing what I have to do isn’t easy but it’s worth it. 

This is “Forgiveness,” by Jason Upton and such a healing song for me  

Grieving is a part of the journey
Saying goodbye to who I thought I was
Life is a mystery, full of twists and turns
One little lesson that I've learned

Forgiveness, is our healing medicine
Forgiveness, when we just can't forget
Sharper than any sword, stronger than any war
It's not easy, but I know it's a gift from You
I know it's a gift from You

We're all a part of a family
The family is growing again
And we will fall and break and bruise
Get back up with open wounds
And choose to trust again

Forgiveness, is our healing medicine
Forgiveness, when we just can't forget
Sharper than any sword, stronger than any war
It's not easy, but I know it's a gift from You
Yeah, I know, it's a gift from You

You never said that it was easy
You know what it's like to lose
Through power of forgiveness
You make all things new
You make all things new

A little faith can move the mountains
How much faith will it take to
Let go of the pain we're in
Reach out to the world again
And keep holding on to You

Forgiveness, is our healing medicine
Forgiveness, when we just can't forget
Oh, it's sharper than any sword, stronger than any war
It's not easy, but I know it's a gift from You
Yeah, it is
I know it's a gift from You

We say, Father, forgive them
They know not what they do
They know not what they do
Father, forgive them
They know not what they do
They know not what they do

We say, Father, forgive us
We know not what we do
We know not what we do
Oh Father, forgive us
We know not what we do
We know not what we do

Forgiveness, is our healing medicine
Forgiveness, when we just can't forget
Sharper than any sword, stronger than any war
It's not easy, but I know it's a gift from You

A little bit about what’s going on in my heart right now. 

I have a really good friend that I was interested in being more than friends with but he is not.  That was a hard truth to face. I let myself get close to him recently and had hope that he might possibly be interested.  I mistook our close friendship for something it wasn’t.  I’m extremely sad about it and realized I let myself care deeply for him more than I should have.  I had to let the friendship go for now because I can’t be close to him right now and it’s not fair to love someone alone. Yes, I said, “love.” No, I didn’t know I went there with my feelings until one random afternoon listening to some music. I had to grieve our close friendship and the fact that I let myself fall for someone unavailable emotionally to me. I love him as a friend and a close one but a little bit more than that.  It’s a hard truth to realize but I have to just guard my heart in the future. Crying is therapy for me, so many tears have been shed.  I do not blame him or want any of this to be his fault. I am the one who knowingly took a chance and it wasn't reciprocated. Sometimes people just don't feel the same or want a relationship and that is what happened. It is a lonely place to be one sided and that wasn't fair to him or me, so it was time to let that go no matter how difficult it is. 

During this time another man has been Interested in me.  He lives far away. We have a lot in common and he asked to be exclusive but after saying yes, I had no peace about it. I really do genuinely like him but know it’s just not right at this time. I need to heal my hurts and my heart right now.  I don’t think I can do 2227 miles apart either.  This is also sad but I’m not ready. I can’t go from one person to the next. It’s not fair to him or to me.  

So many potential people but most live far away  I’ve decided to try and back off from potentially dating for now. Just need time for me right now.  When a huge part of my life's desire is marriage and family it’s hard to learn to trust and let go of that want to connect with people right now.  It’s just really important at this moment I figure out what exactly I want and what I’m okay with in a relationship.  Long distance is just too hard unless I can drive there in a day! 

Thank you for reading this and for being supports in my life! Taking time to let God bring wholeness to my heart and my life.  I need to trust him and not try to do everything on my own! Creating time to be close to the Lord is most important at this time. Getting to a place of rest in him rather than striving for something I do want! I know he has a plan and I know I can trust in him. He has been ever so faithful to me!