What are you afraid of?

 There’s a guy whom I follow on Facebook Aaron Leatherbarrow who has a writers guild and so I responded with this essay as my entry into it. He put out three prompts and I chose, “What are you afraid of?” 

The minute I thought about being afraid I immediately felt emotions rise in me and knew what plagued my heart. The sting of tears is currently behind my eyes, the warmth of my cheeks and anxiety in my arms tells me the realness of my fear. What am I afraid of? So blinding the light of my fear that it didn’t take me any time to know what to write about. My biggest fear is that at thirty seven I may never have a baby from my womb or find a life partner. Two of the most natural ingrained desires a woman can have.  I feel like I’m being denied my life’s purpose and I’m afraid it won’t come true. My wet cheeks and the hurt in my heart confirm my reality. My anxiety ridden body and self doubt lurking in the background ready to deny me happiness. 

There is a lot of heaviness that comes with being afraid of the first part. You see, I’ve battled keeping my uterus for the last one and a half years.  I’m facing prolapse and needing surgeries to repair after already having two surgeries on my uterus. Being at my high maternal age my time is dwindling to have a baby and I’m facing possible infertility issues. While the gladness of my last biopsy being negative and there’s no more threat of cancer at the moment, there is angst for the next one in just 24 hours. When my issues first arose “cut it out and adopt” was said to me by a close family member. This insensitive comment tore me to pieces and I wept for hours alone in my bed. I went through stages of grief at the thought of losing my chance to experience birth and indescribable love for an offspring, my inner most desire. To become pregnant brings the risk of cancer back up to a 40% chance, so that is overwhelmingly in the back of my mind. Will it ever be possible? I honestly don’t know. 

When it comes to finding a life partner I’ve done a lot of damage to my body. I treated it like a trash can and ignored my responsibility to care for it. I’ve gained and lost thousands of pounds.  Currently down 90lbs and maintained it for a year. My body is broken and a fat/loose skin mess. It’s not pretty, it’s not attractive, it’s not beautiful. I look at it and cry, I hate myself for the abuse I’ve put it through. People may want me but when they see what’s underneath the sexy clothing my repulsive appearance threatens any attraction they may have.  I may be good enough for a photo of a certain angle or an online encounter but in person threatens my peace. I may be hot enough for a moment but I’m never enough for a lifetime. It hurts so deep I feel the prick and sting of never good enough each and every day. 

As thirty eight looms just around a tiny corner I look at my life afraid of what I won’t have. Afraid of never having what I achingly want. Afraid of not being good enough!  Afraid of an empty womb, while I break in a million pieces watching others get what I desire so desperately. Each of these fears on their own are too much. Combined it is a force of devastation to my heart. To long for what I haven’t ever had and don’t know if I ever will. 

My toughest battle

 Firstly this is about my own sexual history and very raw and real! Please stop reading if this is not something you can handle. This is my trigger warning! 

Think back to the time you were “awakened” sexually How old were you? Did this have a significant impact on your sex life? In your every day life? Or on your perspective in life? What about your sexual pleasure, was it affected by that? This is just my story, and my perspective! You may not agree or relate but please do not downplay how this affected my life! 

I was awakened to physical sexual pleasure as a 6 year old in kindergarten. This wasn’t just a show me yours and I’ll show you mine moment.  I will spare the details but it was very intense and very wrong for children to be doing. A variety of ages of kids. I was at a friends house and this wasn’t a one time thing. The dad saw what happened one day at some point and sat a few of us down and said it was wrong. I didn’t even know what we were doing. I didn’t even realize it was part of sex. I felt bad about it but didn’t know how to tell anyone or that I was being abused by other kids. Yes, these were children, boys and girls. The fact that these kids knew about all of these sexual things is very concerning to me now as an adult. Clearly someone was doing things to them! 

I had a real physical reaction to what happened to me. I began seeking out ways to feel that again. I used a pillow and it was easy to get a release and rush again.  This turned into masterbation because that’s what it was even though I had no idea what I was doing or even why.  Fast forward to me at 12/13 I was at a friends house the night before Christian camp. We watched “Dirty Dancing” of which is never seen anything like it and it made me turned on. I hadn’t really experienced that from an outside perspective. It was just something I physically did because I knew how.  I wasn’t stimulated by anything until those teen years. Then later being exposed to porn while babysitting one very late night scrolling through the cable channels. I was 15 at the time and it really awakened me and I didn’t know how to turn away. I knew it was wrong but yet couldn’t stop watching that night.  Then someone’s computer had it and it was easy to see. I found sex scenes in movies as another option. I took a research and report class in high school and this was in 1999, we all clicked the first link together after searching for “sweatshops.” That sight was a pornography site with a bunch of naked men on the front page,  instead of the subject of sweatshops in China we were researching about child labor. This began a very long battle with porn that I went through.  

You see I grew up in the church and a Christian.  I was told over and over again that sex was for marriage and the verse about not awakening or arousing love in Song of Solomon. Also about not burning with passion unless you get married. There are also verses about lusting as well. I had these things already happening but didn’t know how to process that! I didn’t know how to tell someone and get help. I wanted to honor God but I didn’t know how to do that besides physically not interacting with men. Did I keep my mind pure from lust? No! But the emphasis was always on virginity rather than keeping your mind pure. “Don’t have sex until you’re married” is what was drilled into us.  Did this sentence solve anything? no!!! 

What is sex even defined as? Intercourse is a tiny part of sex in reality.  Virginity means nothing if everything else was experienced.  Your mind is affected by it all. There are many ways of experiencing sexual pleasure with yourself or a partner without intercourse! These are great and sex is amazing  I am not saying that we shouldn’t have these experiences but the Bible clearly says it’s for marriage! Sex isn’t just a physical act it involves emotions and intimacy  

Let’s talk about how I was failed in figuring this out as a teen. Be sexually pure, okay, but how do I do that now that I’m not sexually pure because I was awakened at 6?! It’s the context in which the church talked about it that failed me. It’s my parents who did not know how to steward children in how to have a sex drive, and what to do with it, that failed me. My sexual abuse was over looked. It greatly impacted my mind set and my whole life. I would be in class at my desk and fear that people would find out.  I was attracted to women off and on, I questioned my sexuality in secret for the most part. I got into pornography as a way to feel that arousal again and solve my desires. It was my coping mechanism and what my brain was taught to want from 6 years old! 

It’s very common for people to jump into physical relationships after abuse as a coping mechanism. Mine wasn’t with other people until later in life, it was just me and my own thoughts and feelings because I knew it was wrong to do things with others based on my personal religious beliefs.  I carried a lot of guilt and shame over this. I had a lot of trauma related to this! 

I didn’t get physically involved with any of my boy friends in high school  I didn’t even kiss anyone until I was 21. That doesn’t mean I was pure or amazing for being a virgin. I met a man and we began dating, he was my first everything. He touched my leg and my whole body went insane. What the heck was this? I hadn’t felt that much fire before from someone I was with. I didn’t know how to battle my inner desire for purity and especially since having already been awakened sexually. I wasn’t innocent but at the same time was. I’ll leave the details out of this relationship but when I walked away I was very hurt! I gained so much weight to hide my body so I wouldn’t be tempted again to be physical with anyone.  My path going forward isn’t something I want to share right now and I have eluded to it in previous blogs. 

I had times where the battle for porn was very strong and others where it was long seasons of nothing! I once felt free from it in my twenties when I went to someone and wasn’t able to actually tell her but she gave me some good advice. I did what she said and it worked for a long time. I didn’t come to a place of healing from porn until just this past January. I shared some things that happened with a friend group and that confession brought healing. One friend shared her journey and it’s been a huge help to me. I had a heart change!  I had a moment of truly surrendering to Jesus! I needed that to be free of this hanging over me. I came to a moment of realization of what was being put into my mind and how that needed to end. Lust is really the hugest issue! Honestly I hated porn, I hated what it did to me! I hate what it does to others and marriages. There is no justifying it in my opinion! No judgement and no condemnation! I hope others can be free from it too!  

Helpful  resources: 

Fight the new drug is an incredible organization that isn’t faith based that shares a lot of resources and information about porn. 

https://fightthenewdrug.org/

The youversion Bible app has a lot of studies to read and do as well. Many on gettin free from porn! 

John Bevere has an incredible “porn free” series on the MessengerX app. There’s also another study about love and sex that is helpful too.  In January I decided to never watch it again! I was done! It’s been 6 months of freedom because I made a heart change! I made a decision that my honoring God with my body was important. It’s not easy and I commend anyone who wants freedom in this area! Don’t hesitate to reach out if you want prayer or someone alongside you in the journey!

Love in Christ

Janette 

 

I have someone else's body part.

 I’ve told this story countless times. It’s a part of me and my life journey. I forget even now that it happened sometimes. I’ve walked in freedom from fear over it for maybe ten years. Before that was a completely different story.  29 years ago today actually this happened to me! That is crazy to say for me. What a journey. . . 

I was eight years old in the summer of 1993. I was excited because my parents purchased a new squirt gun for each of us four children.  That was a big deal to me as we didn’t have a lot of money. Super soakers were all the rage that summer and we finally got one today, July 1st to be exact.  We got home and I went straight to the kitchen for scissors so I could cut open the package. What do I grab? Metal sewing scissors! These are old from the early 1900's and were owned previously by my great grandmother. They have a point at the end on the tip and not only were sharp but also heavy. For a child, they would have been awkward and not so easy to use.  I took everything to my room immediately and began to try and open the box. 

I remember exactly where I sat on the floor of my shared room with my sister. I looked up when my brother came to the door to tell me to stop. I didn't listen to him and he went back out. The binding on the box holding the squirt gun in was white and very thick. I put the scissors around that binding and pushed and cut with all my might. The box was on my lap and I was looking down at it. When the scissors finally went through the force of my right arm made them go up and the tip of the scissors sliced my left eye cornea in a horseshoe shape. Everything went blurry and I ran out to my parents.  My mom took me to the ER in the small town over and they sent us to a bigger hospital 45 minutes away. I remember them distinctly saying most eyes heal on their own 99% of the time but you are the 1%. We had no idea just how much my life would change. 

 We got to the larger hospital and my mom was making jokes with me, we discussed what the doctor would look like. It was a good distraction. He was the kindest man ever in reality and talk with dark hair.  His office wasn't far from the hospital either which was good for true time it took us to wait. I had five hours of repair surgery that night. I stayed in the hospital for five days. One of my most memorable July 4ths was the fireworks display from that hospital stay but I could only see with my right eye. The hospital is right next to the butte that they light fireworks off of in Bend, OR. We were lucky the nurse took us to the roof that night. She wheeled me into the elevator and off we went.  It felt like I could reach out and touch those fireworks. It was magical in the midst of trauma.  

My life went from being a normal kid running around and playing to immediate slowdown mode. No water/swimming, no running/jumping, no exercise, or anything physical was allowed. My eye was healing but the doctor noticed some imperfections and sent us to Casey Eye Institute in Portland that August. My doctor was fantastic there as well. He was so nice and friendly and I trusted him, thankfully. We saw the doctor in August and then he decided I needed a cornea transplant but I cannot remember the exact reasons why. This all went fairly quickly. In September of that same year just a month later, I had a corneal transplant. I didn't ask questions about where the cornea came from until I was sixteen. My mom shared it came from a 6-year-old boy who passed away in a car accident. I was shocked and so thankful. I wish I knew who that family was. I was so fortunate to get a match so quickly. 

It was not an easy recovery from surgery. I wore a patch and a thick contact over my eye for a long time. My mother and I stayed with my aunt and uncle for a while as I healed. My aunt Julie is one of my favorite people. I saw her a lot growing up and will always remember her kindness to me as a child. She is the sweetest woman and an incredible person. I recovered and because the pressure on your eye is so great I wasn't allowed to move very quickly. Take your own 8 almost 9-year-old and tell them to be slow and stop moving and then tell me how they might feel? 

I did not return to school until January. I had a tutor that came to the house for a few months. I had weekly or bi-weekly visits to the cornea specialist in Portland as well. God surely helped my parents get through this time. My father was ill from a rare disease, we lived in a home where so many things happened to us there, from a weird virus to extreme flu, to my dad being sick and my grandma having a brain tumor. It was not the best few years of our lives.  We moved out to a farm in the next town over and that next spring I was mad and flung the ladder swing that hung down from a large tree. It was very very windy and the wind flung it back in my face and popped the cornea. I had repair surgery again and I remember choosing to be awake while they took the stitches out this next time. I literally watched my doctor remove the stitches. It was a crazy amazing experience but at the same time extremely painful. I remember crying and crying on the way home from the pain. It was like a needle had scraped my eyeball over and over when the numbing drops wore off and we had to wait another hour or so to put them in. 

Corneas are the most successful transplant of all time and the one that has lived the longest as well. I rejected mine when I was a teen and that was a very hard process to walk through but with steroids and consistency, we got through it. I had a lot of fear with using scissors, and a great amount of fear with any sports or activities, if there was a slight scratchy feeling in my eye it was immediate fear of rejecting it. I battled so much of that fear until around age 30.  The last time I was scared was in 2020 when a student hit me in the face and knocked my glasses off, it’s not constant fear anymore but occasional. Whew, did it take me some time to calm that adrenaline down then!! He actually broke them and my work so graciously replaced them. 

I thank God my eye was not damaged as much as it could have been.  There are countless times when it was known that God intervened in my healing process. There are plenty more details left out here. This was one of the largest traumas of my life. I did not know how to process all of this. I had years stolen from having a normal childhood.  I am so grateful for the medical needs being met and for how well my eye is doing now. 

Until next time, 

Janette