What are you afraid of?

 There’s a guy whom I follow on Facebook Aaron Leatherbarrow who has a writers guild and so I responded with this essay as my entry into it. He put out three prompts and I chose, “What are you afraid of?” 

The minute I thought about being afraid I immediately felt emotions rise in me and knew what plagued my heart. The sting of tears is currently behind my eyes, the warmth of my cheeks and anxiety in my arms tells me the realness of my fear. What am I afraid of? So blinding the light of my fear that it didn’t take me any time to know what to write about. My biggest fear is that at thirty seven I may never have a baby from my womb or find a life partner. Two of the most natural ingrained desires a woman can have.  I feel like I’m being denied my life’s purpose and I’m afraid it won’t come true. My wet cheeks and the hurt in my heart confirm my reality. My anxiety ridden body and self doubt lurking in the background ready to deny me happiness. 

There is a lot of heaviness that comes with being afraid of the first part. You see, I’ve battled keeping my uterus for the last one and a half years.  I’m facing prolapse and needing surgeries to repair after already having two surgeries on my uterus. Being at my high maternal age my time is dwindling to have a baby and I’m facing possible infertility issues. While the gladness of my last biopsy being negative and there’s no more threat of cancer at the moment, there is angst for the next one in just 24 hours. When my issues first arose “cut it out and adopt” was said to me by a close family member. This insensitive comment tore me to pieces and I wept for hours alone in my bed. I went through stages of grief at the thought of losing my chance to experience birth and indescribable love for an offspring, my inner most desire. To become pregnant brings the risk of cancer back up to a 40% chance, so that is overwhelmingly in the back of my mind. Will it ever be possible? I honestly don’t know. 

When it comes to finding a life partner I’ve done a lot of damage to my body. I treated it like a trash can and ignored my responsibility to care for it. I’ve gained and lost thousands of pounds.  Currently down 90lbs and maintained it for a year. My body is broken and a fat/loose skin mess. It’s not pretty, it’s not attractive, it’s not beautiful. I look at it and cry, I hate myself for the abuse I’ve put it through. People may want me but when they see what’s underneath the sexy clothing my repulsive appearance threatens any attraction they may have.  I may be good enough for a photo of a certain angle or an online encounter but in person threatens my peace. I may be hot enough for a moment but I’m never enough for a lifetime. It hurts so deep I feel the prick and sting of never good enough each and every day. 

As thirty eight looms just around a tiny corner I look at my life afraid of what I won’t have. Afraid of never having what I achingly want. Afraid of not being good enough!  Afraid of an empty womb, while I break in a million pieces watching others get what I desire so desperately. Each of these fears on their own are too much. Combined it is a force of devastation to my heart. To long for what I haven’t ever had and don’t know if I ever will. 

My toughest battle

 Firstly this is about my own sexual history and very raw and real! Please stop reading if this is not something you can handle. This is my trigger warning! 

Think back to the time you were “awakened” sexually How old were you? Did this have a significant impact on your sex life? In your every day life? Or on your perspective in life? What about your sexual pleasure, was it affected by that? This is just my story, and my perspective! You may not agree or relate but please do not downplay how this affected my life! 

I was awakened to physical sexual pleasure as a 6 year old in kindergarten. This wasn’t just a show me yours and I’ll show you mine moment.  I will spare the details but it was very intense and very wrong for children to be doing. A variety of ages of kids. I was at a friends house and this wasn’t a one time thing. The dad saw what happened one day at some point and sat a few of us down and said it was wrong. I didn’t even know what we were doing. I didn’t even realize it was part of sex. I felt bad about it but didn’t know how to tell anyone or that I was being abused by other kids. Yes, these were children, boys and girls. The fact that these kids knew about all of these sexual things is very concerning to me now as an adult. Clearly someone was doing things to them! 

I had a real physical reaction to what happened to me. I began seeking out ways to feel that again. I used a pillow and it was easy to get a release and rush again.  This turned into masterbation because that’s what it was even though I had no idea what I was doing or even why.  Fast forward to me at 12/13 I was at a friends house the night before Christian camp. We watched “Dirty Dancing” of which is never seen anything like it and it made me turned on. I hadn’t really experienced that from an outside perspective. It was just something I physically did because I knew how.  I wasn’t stimulated by anything until those teen years. Then later being exposed to porn while babysitting one very late night scrolling through the cable channels. I was 15 at the time and it really awakened me and I didn’t know how to turn away. I knew it was wrong but yet couldn’t stop watching that night.  Then someone’s computer had it and it was easy to see. I found sex scenes in movies as another option. I took a research and report class in high school and this was in 1999, we all clicked the first link together after searching for “sweatshops.” That sight was a pornography site with a bunch of naked men on the front page,  instead of the subject of sweatshops in China we were researching about child labor. This began a very long battle with porn that I went through.  

You see I grew up in the church and a Christian.  I was told over and over again that sex was for marriage and the verse about not awakening or arousing love in Song of Solomon. Also about not burning with passion unless you get married. There are also verses about lusting as well. I had these things already happening but didn’t know how to process that! I didn’t know how to tell someone and get help. I wanted to honor God but I didn’t know how to do that besides physically not interacting with men. Did I keep my mind pure from lust? No! But the emphasis was always on virginity rather than keeping your mind pure. “Don’t have sex until you’re married” is what was drilled into us.  Did this sentence solve anything? no!!! 

What is sex even defined as? Intercourse is a tiny part of sex in reality.  Virginity means nothing if everything else was experienced.  Your mind is affected by it all. There are many ways of experiencing sexual pleasure with yourself or a partner without intercourse! These are great and sex is amazing  I am not saying that we shouldn’t have these experiences but the Bible clearly says it’s for marriage! Sex isn’t just a physical act it involves emotions and intimacy  

Let’s talk about how I was failed in figuring this out as a teen. Be sexually pure, okay, but how do I do that now that I’m not sexually pure because I was awakened at 6?! It’s the context in which the church talked about it that failed me. It’s my parents who did not know how to steward children in how to have a sex drive, and what to do with it, that failed me. My sexual abuse was over looked. It greatly impacted my mind set and my whole life. I would be in class at my desk and fear that people would find out.  I was attracted to women off and on, I questioned my sexuality in secret for the most part. I got into pornography as a way to feel that arousal again and solve my desires. It was my coping mechanism and what my brain was taught to want from 6 years old! 

It’s very common for people to jump into physical relationships after abuse as a coping mechanism. Mine wasn’t with other people until later in life, it was just me and my own thoughts and feelings because I knew it was wrong to do things with others based on my personal religious beliefs.  I carried a lot of guilt and shame over this. I had a lot of trauma related to this! 

I didn’t get physically involved with any of my boy friends in high school  I didn’t even kiss anyone until I was 21. That doesn’t mean I was pure or amazing for being a virgin. I met a man and we began dating, he was my first everything. He touched my leg and my whole body went insane. What the heck was this? I hadn’t felt that much fire before from someone I was with. I didn’t know how to battle my inner desire for purity and especially since having already been awakened sexually. I wasn’t innocent but at the same time was. I’ll leave the details out of this relationship but when I walked away I was very hurt! I gained so much weight to hide my body so I wouldn’t be tempted again to be physical with anyone.  My path going forward isn’t something I want to share right now and I have eluded to it in previous blogs. 

I had times where the battle for porn was very strong and others where it was long seasons of nothing! I once felt free from it in my twenties when I went to someone and wasn’t able to actually tell her but she gave me some good advice. I did what she said and it worked for a long time. I didn’t come to a place of healing from porn until just this past January. I shared some things that happened with a friend group and that confession brought healing. One friend shared her journey and it’s been a huge help to me. I had a heart change!  I had a moment of truly surrendering to Jesus! I needed that to be free of this hanging over me. I came to a moment of realization of what was being put into my mind and how that needed to end. Lust is really the hugest issue! Honestly I hated porn, I hated what it did to me! I hate what it does to others and marriages. There is no justifying it in my opinion! No judgement and no condemnation! I hope others can be free from it too!  

Helpful  resources: 

Fight the new drug is an incredible organization that isn’t faith based that shares a lot of resources and information about porn. 

https://fightthenewdrug.org/

The youversion Bible app has a lot of studies to read and do as well. Many on gettin free from porn! 

John Bevere has an incredible “porn free” series on the MessengerX app. There’s also another study about love and sex that is helpful too.  In January I decided to never watch it again! I was done! It’s been 6 months of freedom because I made a heart change! I made a decision that my honoring God with my body was important. It’s not easy and I commend anyone who wants freedom in this area! Don’t hesitate to reach out if you want prayer or someone alongside you in the journey!

Love in Christ

Janette 

 

I have someone else's body part.

 I’ve told this story countless times. It’s a part of me and my life journey. I forget even now that it happened sometimes. I’ve walked in freedom from fear over it for maybe ten years. Before that was a completely different story.  29 years ago today actually this happened to me! That is crazy to say for me. What a journey. . . 

I was eight years old in the summer of 1993. I was excited because my parents purchased a new squirt gun for each of us four children.  That was a big deal to me as we didn’t have a lot of money. Super soakers were all the rage that summer and we finally got one today, July 1st to be exact.  We got home and I went straight to the kitchen for scissors so I could cut open the package. What do I grab? Metal sewing scissors! These are old from the early 1900's and were owned previously by my great grandmother. They have a point at the end on the tip and not only were sharp but also heavy. For a child, they would have been awkward and not so easy to use.  I took everything to my room immediately and began to try and open the box. 

I remember exactly where I sat on the floor of my shared room with my sister. I looked up when my brother came to the door to tell me to stop. I didn't listen to him and he went back out. The binding on the box holding the squirt gun in was white and very thick. I put the scissors around that binding and pushed and cut with all my might. The box was on my lap and I was looking down at it. When the scissors finally went through the force of my right arm made them go up and the tip of the scissors sliced my left eye cornea in a horseshoe shape. Everything went blurry and I ran out to my parents.  My mom took me to the ER in the small town over and they sent us to a bigger hospital 45 minutes away. I remember them distinctly saying most eyes heal on their own 99% of the time but you are the 1%. We had no idea just how much my life would change. 

 We got to the larger hospital and my mom was making jokes with me, we discussed what the doctor would look like. It was a good distraction. He was the kindest man ever in reality and talk with dark hair.  His office wasn't far from the hospital either which was good for true time it took us to wait. I had five hours of repair surgery that night. I stayed in the hospital for five days. One of my most memorable July 4ths was the fireworks display from that hospital stay but I could only see with my right eye. The hospital is right next to the butte that they light fireworks off of in Bend, OR. We were lucky the nurse took us to the roof that night. She wheeled me into the elevator and off we went.  It felt like I could reach out and touch those fireworks. It was magical in the midst of trauma.  

My life went from being a normal kid running around and playing to immediate slowdown mode. No water/swimming, no running/jumping, no exercise, or anything physical was allowed. My eye was healing but the doctor noticed some imperfections and sent us to Casey Eye Institute in Portland that August. My doctor was fantastic there as well. He was so nice and friendly and I trusted him, thankfully. We saw the doctor in August and then he decided I needed a cornea transplant but I cannot remember the exact reasons why. This all went fairly quickly. In September of that same year just a month later, I had a corneal transplant. I didn't ask questions about where the cornea came from until I was sixteen. My mom shared it came from a 6-year-old boy who passed away in a car accident. I was shocked and so thankful. I wish I knew who that family was. I was so fortunate to get a match so quickly. 

It was not an easy recovery from surgery. I wore a patch and a thick contact over my eye for a long time. My mother and I stayed with my aunt and uncle for a while as I healed. My aunt Julie is one of my favorite people. I saw her a lot growing up and will always remember her kindness to me as a child. She is the sweetest woman and an incredible person. I recovered and because the pressure on your eye is so great I wasn't allowed to move very quickly. Take your own 8 almost 9-year-old and tell them to be slow and stop moving and then tell me how they might feel? 

I did not return to school until January. I had a tutor that came to the house for a few months. I had weekly or bi-weekly visits to the cornea specialist in Portland as well. God surely helped my parents get through this time. My father was ill from a rare disease, we lived in a home where so many things happened to us there, from a weird virus to extreme flu, to my dad being sick and my grandma having a brain tumor. It was not the best few years of our lives.  We moved out to a farm in the next town over and that next spring I was mad and flung the ladder swing that hung down from a large tree. It was very very windy and the wind flung it back in my face and popped the cornea. I had repair surgery again and I remember choosing to be awake while they took the stitches out this next time. I literally watched my doctor remove the stitches. It was a crazy amazing experience but at the same time extremely painful. I remember crying and crying on the way home from the pain. It was like a needle had scraped my eyeball over and over when the numbing drops wore off and we had to wait another hour or so to put them in. 

Corneas are the most successful transplant of all time and the one that has lived the longest as well. I rejected mine when I was a teen and that was a very hard process to walk through but with steroids and consistency, we got through it. I had a lot of fear with using scissors, and a great amount of fear with any sports or activities, if there was a slight scratchy feeling in my eye it was immediate fear of rejecting it. I battled so much of that fear until around age 30.  The last time I was scared was in 2020 when a student hit me in the face and knocked my glasses off, it’s not constant fear anymore but occasional. Whew, did it take me some time to calm that adrenaline down then!! He actually broke them and my work so graciously replaced them. 

I thank God my eye was not damaged as much as it could have been.  There are countless times when it was known that God intervened in my healing process. There are plenty more details left out here. This was one of the largest traumas of my life. I did not know how to process all of this. I had years stolen from having a normal childhood.  I am so grateful for the medical needs being met and for how well my eye is doing now. 

Until next time, 

Janette 

 

Can I be honest with you?

I can be honest about how I feel at the moment but can you understand that without judging me? Christians are sometimes the hardest people to talk to. Especially about subjects I want to share. Who is going to listen? Who is going to try and hear my story and where I am at? I have found nonbelievers so much more receptive. I hate that I have to say that. I can understand why people leave the church. I can see where the fear of Christians judgment can make you hide your sin. I walked through that myself. As I shared and opened up I felt love and empathy. I felt cared for and listened to by the people at my church. I feel so grateful to have believers around me that love others to Jesus. 

So here goes...

I miss relationships that were in my life even if they were not the healthiest. I miss the friendship and the encouragement and what some of these people meant to me. Giving them up was not easy, it was a progression of less and less communication. There can be healing and something beautiful in the midst of the darkness, little glimpses of light they gave me. I was so broken inside. People came along and lifted me out of that, to a certain extent. They showed me that I have worth, that I was beautiful and worthy of much more than I could see for myself. They encouraged my confidence and supported my life journey. A few people saw who I really was and liked me for me. But this type of relationship caused me to sin. It was not rooted in the Lord and only brought sadness and brokenness in the end. 

I can be truthful and say I miss someone from my past. I have cried countless tears about this subject.  I cannot be his friend, I cannot talk to him, I cannot be involved in his life or his mine, especially based on circumstances and what is right! It doesn't mean I do not miss him. I think I last talked to him 4-5 months ago but I am not sure the day... He was a huge cheerleader in my weight loss. He always supported me in what I was doing and had many kind things to say and was a friend I enjoyed talking to for most of last year.  There are others who supported my iamlosingthisweight account on Instagram as well but I do not miss them and got rid of that account. It was a very healthy decision to leave it behind.  

The worst part is that this man was married. I knew that from the beginning and we were just friends for a long time. He isn't someone I should have become friends with in the first place.  He is just a blip in time for me but yet had an impact on me in significant ways. No, not for the positive when it came to my relationship with Christ but in other ways, yes! Walking away from him and the lifestyle of last year was not easy.  I do not need support from people with the wrong view on relationships and where their morals differ from mine. I cannot be friends with people so closely that bring temptation to sin into my life. Men and women who are in committed relationships/married should not be good friends. I believe that wholeheartedly based on my experiences over the last 1.5 years. It stings to say I still miss him occasionally. How could I miss someone who brought sin into my life? No, it is not his fault alone, I fully knew what was going on.  I do not miss the sin, I miss the companionship and the camaraderie. I miss the support and kindness. He impacted me in ways I cannot share because I do not think it would be easy for some to understand. They say to hate the sin and not the sinner. I think that applies in this situation. He did not take advantage of me as I am sure some of you are wondering. 

This morning I prayed and released him to the Lord once again. Healing from unhealthy relationships doesn't just happen overnight. I am a life-long friend person. I love people deeply even if I do not say it or sometimes realize it. I hated moving away as a child because I always missed those who were around me. While other family members could move on, I would long for those I could not see again. If I am being truly honest my heart hurts. There are many complicated reasons why. I have to let myself be okay with that. I have to allow myself to grieve whatever I need to instead of just blocking it in my heart and mind.  I am a very deep and sensitive person. Something that may not mean anything to you could mean the world to me. Simple things bring me so much joy, for example, fog. Seriously, I get giddy when I see it, this feeling is rooted in a love for a childhood favorite book. I share this because it is so easy to pretend everything is alright. It is easy to judge another person and think they should be able to just move on. Everyone feels things differently. What affects one may not affect the other. 

Instead of looking for relationships, I have been diving into Christ for the last few months. I have opened myself up so much more to him. To surrender more of myself and fully rely on him has been the goal. I have so much more work to do but it is happening. January was such a wake-up call for me. I stumbled in a way I never thought I could but yet made perfect sense based on my thoughts and actions. I am not perfect but I am making choices to let go of the past and turn to God instead of man. He was always there, especially those Sundays I sat in the pew at church and cried my eyes out last summer. I was in the midst of turmoil while trying to serve God. I longed for freedom from where I was but was not strong enough yet to walk away. The process of turning from sin and letting Christ fill those places isn't instantaneous. It is not easy either when there is a stronghold in your life. Proverbs 18:10 says, "The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run into it and they are safe." I am where I need to be, safe in the Lord's arms now. I may peak out and long for the false freedom outside of that place but that is what it is a LIE. It is a false sense of security, only in God do we have a firm foundation. Letting the Lord have my heart and my life completely is my goal of 2022. To end this year by seeing how much he has worked on my heart and in my life. 

Have I perfectly navigated walking away? No!!! But the change and life lessons of the last few months have changed my life. I am walking with my head held higher, I have less anxiety and greater intimacy with Christ. I have a stronger foundation and actually spend my time reading the Word and praying. I have listened and stepped up with the call to prayer. I absolutely am terrified as I do not love speaking out but it is not about me. Leading a new Sunday Morning intercession time is out of my comfort zone but right where I feel led to be. I am excited about my future and where the Lord leads. 

It is okay that I miss someone. It is okay that I can share that. I do not need to fear others' thoughts on what I went through and am going through.  Being strong is tough. Staying strong in my convictions is not easy. It is not simple either. If you cannot understand that I hope you can try. I hope you can step back and look at situations differently. I hope that you can have the Love of Christ for those around you. I hope you can drop the religious stones and forgive and bring the love of God to people around you. I so appreciate the ones around me whom have supported me with love and kindness. 

This song by Kyndal Inskeep literally explains so much of the last few years for me. Being honest about what was happening inside was the most difficult.  Here are the lyrics. 

[Verse 1]
Every time I walk out of the house
Put on another face
Just to blend in with the crowd
So nobody sees me
You would never believe me

[Pre-Chorus]

I tell you that I'm whole, but I'm still healing
I tell you that I'm happy, but I'm grieving
Thought I was a fighter
I'm still in the fire

[Chorus]

But if I'm being honest
I'm not being honest
I'll give you roses just hopin' you don't see the weeds in my garden
If I'm being honest
I'm at my darkest
I'm sitting here waitin' and prayin' for someone to show me what love is
I'm just being honest
I'm just being honest

[Verse 2]

Every time I'm past the hardest part
Here comes another ghost just to pull me to the dark
I thought it was over
God, let this be over

[Chorus]

Cause if I'm being honest
I'm not being honest
I'll give you roses just hopin' you don't see the weeds in my garden
If I'm being honest
I'm at my darkest
I'm sitting here waitin' and prayin' for someone to show me what love is
I'm just being honest
I'm just being honest

[Bridge]

I tell you that I'm whole, but I'm still healing
I tell you that I'm happy, but I'm grieving
Thought I was a fighter
(Thought I was a fighter)
I'm still in the fire

[Chorus]

Cause if I'm being honest
I'm not being honest
I'll give you roses just hopin' you don't see the weeds in my garden
(Don't see it, don't see it, no)
If I'm being honest
I'm at my darkest
(I'm at my darkest)
I'm sitting here waitin' and prayin' for someone to show me what love is
I'm just being honest

Official video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKfEiTRT14g

Am I ready? Decision Decision Decision...

    I have wanted children since I started playing house at four years old. Being a mom is something I have a huge desire for. I nannied for 16 years. That was very close to being a mother and part of the reason I ended my career was that I couldn't handle the constant goodbyes anymore. I didn't want to love another human that wasn't mine in such a special way.  My previous blog talks about how my uterus was saved and my hope and dream of having a child. It is very near and dear to my heart.  In the last month, I have been given an opportunity to adopt a child. This came about in a way that I couldn't imagine, it is not an exciting thing because of why this girl needs a new home. I will not share details as it is not my story to share but it comes with heartbreak and trauma. Let's call her Red.  

    Red has been in and out of the system most of her little life. I have known her since about two years old. We are not super close but do know one another. Red is sweet and fun. She is creative and very artistic. She deserves the best outcome and the best that God has for her. Several weeks ago I took Red to the store and we talked and got reacquainted with one another. We saw a homeless man and her little heart for people in that position is just so precious. She prayed for the person and so did I. Her prayer was very well-spoken and went straight to that person's needs. We were driving at the time and she asked to go to Dutch Bro at least 4 times. I had to explain why we couldn't and she was able to let it go. Red has been through many changes in her life. If I chose her she would have a huge change of location as well as going from lots of kids around to just me. She has trauma from multiple things, all so very deep and harmful.

    I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts when it comes to adopting Red. I desire so much marriage and children. What does this do to my dating life? What does the future look like having a child and finding someone to accept her? I have wanted to foster and adopt for many years but financially it just hasn't worked out. Also with Red's emotional needs, it would be tough! I won't have someone to rely on and tap out when needed.  I always thought I would have a partner walking into this situation. I am also in my late 30's and my time to have children is dwindling. It has been a lot of emotions and reality checks.  So many thoughts swirling in my head. I have changed multiple things in my life in the last year, I have worked hard on my own mental health and trauma. Am I ready to take on a child alone? That is the hardest thing to decipher. 

    I had a lot of fear of making the wrong choice. I had a lot of anxiety about saying no but also saying yes. Am I selfish to say NO? Am I ready to take a child on whom has a variety of emotional and mental needs? Can I handle this on my own?  I prayed really hard about this. I thought the answer was yes and started to prepare for that but I did not have peace in my heart. I thought I had confirmation and prayed for a week with this unsettling feeling. I had so many of you praying for me and I am so thankful for that. It was not an easy decision especially saying no! I want this 100% but the timing is wrong. I desire so much for a spouse to be alongside me when I walk this journey of adoption in the future.  A week ago I felt the disconnect, I felt the release of pressuring myself to say Yes. I felt peace and relief with allowing myself to say, "No." That decision was heartbreaking in a way. I had a chance to be a mom, to be someone for Red, to do something amazing. I am sad at the ending but know in God's timing he will bring the right situation and child into my life, whether through my womb or adoption.  

    I have decided to seek new employment and make some other changes in my life so that I can prepare for this possibility in the future. Time to work on my own life and strengthen things in me to be ready if God says, "YES" in the future, to something like this!

Saving my Uterus

If you cannot handle a lot of medical details this is a warning to stop reading. Not super horrible but just my experience in the last 1.5 years. 

    I’ve always had issues in the menstruation department.  Unfortunately I ignored it for most of my adult life. I didn’t care about myself in so many ways.  I ignored myself from the lack of a period all the way to the extra periods. At one point I would pray for it to return when it was gone. Fall of 2020 I had a wake up call.  I was scared to go to the doctor and nervous for the outcome. You see, I have dealt with depression for most of my life and hid it from the world. I didn't take care of myself physically because why should I? No one cares for me or ever will, was my mindset.  I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes NOV 2020 and have controlled it with diet and exercise now but that was eye opening to how I took care of myself. That wake up call made me start to believe that I was worthy of love and worthy of taking back my health.

    August of 2020 I began abnormally bleeding. This was daily or every other day. Some other signs were there in the past but I ignored them. Over time I finally went to the dr. I got an appointment for December 2nd, 2020. Unfortunately I had a Covid-19 test a few days prior and had to cancel based on waiting for the results. I just dealt with what was going on and a few weeks later I made a new appointment for the first week of January. I arrived in great fear and was riddled with anxiety at what was coming. The doctor was an older male and had little kindness, patience or understanding towards me. He wanted to do a few procedures but I was not comfortable with it or honestly with him. He decided to put me on birth control. I began taking the pills and thought everything would be fine but that was not my experience.

    I began to bleed extremely heavily for a week. Monday January 17th, 2021 I was driving back to Portland from Medford OR with some family members. I began bleeding extremely heavy with large clots needing to stop every 45minutes or so. I barely made it home in excruciating pain and bleeding through everything. I had so many clots and I got in the shower bawling my eyes out pulling them out one by one. I called the advice nurse and they got me into an appointment that day but I live 40 minutes from the clinic. I drove there scared out of my mind. I got there late and the nurse came out and said I was too late and they should not have given me an appointment anyways because they had no time. I had another clot coming and cried to her asking if I should go to the ER. I went to the bathroom and when I came back out the nurse found me and said the DR (Anne) would see me. I went in and the DR was very mad at the previous one who put me on BC because she knew I should not have been given BC. She knew I had too much estrogen. She was grouchy and it was the end of a long Monday. She did a pap and that was a lot for me as it had been 15 years. I was given a medication to stop all of the bleeding and awaited the results. The pain and clotting was similar to being in labor, your uterus is a muscle and contracts to push out what is in there. It was painful but nothing compared to what came next. 

    A few days later thankfully my Pap result was fine and normal. I was told I needed an endometrial biopsy at the previous appointment but couldn't do it that day because I was not prepared mentally.  We schedule one for a month later but it was not with the same DR. The weekend before the new scheduled date in February I had so much anxiety about the biopsy. You see I was a virgin at the time, Yes, that is right. Nothing besides tampons had entered me before. I know that is too much information but it is part of the journey in this saving of my uterus. The pap was enough for that previous appointment day. I couldn't handle the thought of the endometrial biopsy as I had looked it up after finding out that I needed it. I canceled my February appointment and did a video appointment instead. The person I saw was not Anne the amazing doctor at my last appointment. She said I can put you on this medication and see if it helps for 3 months. Then at that time we can do a biopsy if needed, I thought that was a good plan.  I began the medication and stopped the one that had worked well. Within a week I had hormonal headaches and some side effects by Saturday I began having excruciating pain and large clots. I was in my bed all day. I could hardly move and bled so much with each clot. My bottom, tail bone and low back hurt as the pain radiated in and out. It was like I was in labor. It stopped late that night and I was okay for 6 more days until the next Friday when it happened again. Large clots and so much pain. I called the advice nurse and she said it was normal and should stop soon. Then another week went by and it started Sunday, then Monday, then Tuesday. Three days in a row of labor like contractions pushing out clots. Thankfully at night I was okay and it subsided for the most part.   I cannot tell you how many pads I used, how much time I spent cleaning blood off of clothing and washing my bedding. So much pain and anxiety. I called the advice nurse again and was given a new appointment for April 12th and told to take the previous medication again which immediately worked. I was given a prescription for an anxiety medication to take for the next appointment and all set to go even if I was apprehensive. 

    April 12th came and I had my dad drive me to this appointment because the medication was going to inhibit me from driving. I took my head phones and used relaxing music. I had DR Anne and she was the sweetest kindest woman. Anne is extremely gracious and has an amazing bedside manner. I made it through the biopsy with pain but got through it (was not pleasant) and was on the medication so that helped. I went home and rested and slept from the medication but when the medication wore off it felt like I had been violated from the speculum/instruments/everything. It felt like it was still inside me. This was mind blowing and traumatic because I was fine but yet didn't feel like it. I took the next day off and had to mentally figure out where to go from here. That feeling is like nothing I can describe. I woke up early that Tuesday morning and drove to the Gorge. I picked a spot many photographers I followed go. It was so healing to just be there and watch the sunrise. I needed that and it began a new tradition and exciting thing for me. I went to a waterfall as well and felt so peaceful. But then the results came and crushed my heart. . .

    I received a call from my OBGYN on Wednesday and the diagnosis was scary. I had Complex Hyperplasia with Atypia. - Pre-cancerous cells. She recommended a hysterectomy because 40% of women get cancer with this diagnosis. If you know me my greatest desire is to have a baby and be married. I was given a few more options and chose that I wanted to save my uterus. I fell on my bed after that call and bawled my eyes out for three hours. Grieving the life I wanted and not knowing what my future held was devastating. I was referred to a Gynecologist Oncologist and had an appointment for an ultrasound the next day. I went in and then saw the Gyn-Onc on a video call.  She was optimistic and said I have an 80-90% chance if there wasn't already cancer. They needed to do a hysteroscopy and make sure cancer wasn't any where in my uterus. They would also do a second biopsy and made sure everything was okay. I made a scheduled surgery for one year ago today May 20th, 2021 with DR Anne. 

    From February -April 15th I was on 1/2 of a pill of Megestrol a day. I woke early in the morning and I didn't sleep well but the two options for treatment were get an IUD or take 4 pills a day of Megestrol. I did not want an IUD so took the pills. That was horrid. I couldn't ever get any rest or real sleep. I had every known side effect (look them up if you want all were true) and the worst insomnia of my life. It was literally hell. A few days before my surgery I asked peoples opinions on an IUD and ended up choosing it and telling DR Anne a day before surgery I wanted it. I couldn't do these pills anymore. IUD ended up being the best choice for me. 

    Surgery day came and I was apprehensive. I went in and it was delayed 4 hours. I got it done and then came out of the surgery in a fog. My Doctor was so fantastic with the delay she was kind and so sweet to me. The nurses were fine and I felt okay but was nervous to go home. I was anxious but used music to get me through. When I came to my blood pressure was normal but as time went on sky rocketed. They didn't want to let me go but I promised to go in if I felt off. I had some relaxers and pain meds for at home. Walking up the stairs was hard but the worst was urinating. It was painful and uncomfortable and unexpected to be so harsh. I recovered for a few days and needed a few more. I had quite a bit of pain as they had inserted the IUD during the surgery. I didn't bleed a ton and that was so nice but I was still taking the Megestrol pills and experiencing insomnia and all of those side effects. 

    I received the results. Still the same outcome as the last biopsy but inconclusive for cancer. These results scared me. I was emotionally overwhelmed and concerned. My personal life was a wreck at that time too. There could be cancer in my uterus and I wouldn't find out until September if it was or not.  I went to the coast a week later and felt some weird feelings and not fully recovered. I was able to slowly start life again but two weeks after surgery I was hiking and when coming down from the waterfall felt like my cervix was being torn, I thought for sure the IUD was coming out. So what do I do? I laid in bed all weekend and got into the DR Monday. Thank God it was DR Anne on call that day and I was able to see her. She knew immediately it was the strings of the IUD. I had them cut and then she did a pelvic ultrasound to make sure all was well. She said I needed a second Hysteroscopy and they would do a biopsy as well in September. Just the week before on June4th she had let me know I could stop the medication that had all of the crazy side effects. I was liberated and felt amazing for the first time in my life. My hormones had not been normal for a long time and the Morena IUD was helping me regulate them. Seriously July 2021 was amazing for energy and happiness overall. 

    I had a great group of believers praying for me throughout the last year. I was supported in many ways through Christians that I knew and strangers. I was so fearful though, I was hurt and angry and had to learn to forgive myself for not taking care of my body. In December I surrendered the hurt and pain to God and said you have to help me with this I cannot take it any longer. I gave up my right to a child and just said I am believing God for the best outcome. It was a tough process. I used so many coping mechanisms that were detrimental to my mental health in this lifetime. (see previous blog) I listened to "Goodness of God" by Jenn Johnson countless times. It was on repeat for hours on end. I wasn't ever alone even when I felt like I was. Walking through this brought me closer to God, taught me to believe him and surrender. I walked through a lot of healing in so many areas throughout the last year. 

    September came and I was scheduled for surgery on the 2nd. It was postponed due to Covid-19 shutting everything down here in Oregon again.  My DR advocated for me and got me into a different Kaiser facility across the metro area. I went in for the Hysteroscopy and had less anxiety. It was at a surgery center on the other side of town and a much faster time frame. DR Anne met me there and was able to preform it without delay. Recovery was much easier this time and I felt pretty good by the next Monday. Then I was diagnosed with COVID and my life was on hold for many months. I received the results quickly this time and the same results Complex Hyperplasia with Atypia but CANCER was NOT present. I celebrated the win but was disappointed in the no other changes.   This is when I found out I had prolapse after my surgery. I noticed some things that were off. This is something not many women talk about. I will spare the details but it is not fun!

    During the time between May-October I had weird IUD side effects the nipple pain was extreme. I had no idea that could happen. But I was good in so many other ways it was worth it. January I had my 4th biopsy in the office and survived without anxiety medication. I even drove myself to the office. I had a few complications after this one and needed more drugs but it gave me fatigue as I ended up with long haul covid. The results took a long time to come but showed there was no longer any presence of Atypia cells. I was ecstatic at such a huge change. I still was disappointed in the complex hyperplasia. I ended up with a huge battle with fatigue and long haul covid symptoms for a few months. Anne talked about my uterus and how it was a mess when she first went in. The second Hysteroscopy she said it looked so much better and she just wanted to make sure she got everything she needed to. 

    April 5th 2022 I had my last Biopsy. I wasn't as anxious and got through it okay. I even was able to slow my breathing and talk to the doctor throughout everything. DR Anne joked that I deserved a new car for all of my procedures. The nurse looked at me with pity and said something along the lines of, "I am so sorry girl." By this time I was used to what was happening and thought recovery would be easy,  it was unexpected to have a lot of pain and bleeding after this biopsy but I got through it. I couldn't take anything other than Ibuprofen because it brought on long haul symptoms in the past. Within 36 hours DR Anne had emailed me with the results that my biopsy only showed the effects of the IUD and NOTHING ELSE. No more Hyperplasia. No issues whatsoever. We were both overjoyed and I was in shock. I have to have one more Endo-biopsy in July and then after that it will be a year if the results are normal. 

    I know this was a long story but it was my reality the last year. Many details were left out and the true experience of it all will seem foreign to most of you. In reality it is much more severe and real to me than I can put into writing. The tears, the sorrow, the pain, the shame, the guilt, the hurt, the side effects, so much to this process. I am so happy to say where I am at now and how well my body has responded to treatment. I am just so grateful to all of those who have supported me in so many ways. 

Unimaginable sin

I made some major life mistakes in the last 12 months. I cannot even share what they are but they tore me up inside. There is nothing worth sinning for. There is no earthly desire or thing that can compare to obeying the Lord. I became someone I did not ever think I could be. I couldn't imagine ever becoming this person. It wasn't easy deciding to do what I was doing, but I didn't care. I didn't even want to end it. Conviction and the Holy Spirit spoke to me so clearly. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew that I didn't want to be that person. No matter how ridiculously hard it was to end, I needed to honor the Lord and be true to my convictions and what the Lord wants for my life.  Sinning blatantly is the worst, you know what you are doing is wrong and you ignore it. That wrestling in my soul was difficult especially when to the outside world I seemed to be a good Christian. It was a slow progression from August on battling my desire to sin and my desire to be right with the Lord. I sought help from women at church, I got some inner healing through forgiveness, I spoke with people who brought me to conviction in Love. It wasn't enough though, I stumbled along just broken up inside.  I had to come to a place of complete surrender and I was not there yet. 

Forgiving myself is the hardest thing. It’s easy to ask the Lord for forgiveness because you know it’s already given.  I was so upset with myself and the consequences of my actions. It’s a hurt deep inside I needed to heal from.  The guilt was plaguing me for so long. I felt crushed that I let myself get to this place of complete disobedience to the word of God and choosing to do something wrong.  I ignored the Lord and even cut some things out of my life that would have brought me closer to him out of shame, because how can I serve sin and Jesus at the same time? Making things right was a decision I had to come to.  I felt like my life was just a mess and getting out of it seemed impossible. I was trying to do it on my own and it doesn't work that way. Now, I let Jesus come in and fix it, he is the only one who could make it clean.  Everyday during that time period I was moved to tears, whether it is genuine sorrowfulness, being disappointed in myself, sad because I miss my friend or friends whom I let go, or heartbroken over my choices it all added onto my emotional state.  My heart hurt in more ways than one. I know that the Lord is the only one who could mend it.   I chose to end some friendships, take a social media break besides Facebook, delete some apps that aren't worth keeping, refocus my time and energy into the Lord. I decided that making decisions that really get me to where I want to be in life are most important. It took time and stumbling along to get me to where I wanted to be.  That wasn't the end though of the story. While I tried hard, I didn't get to the root of the issues. I didn't have control over it like I wanted because I didn't surrender my whole life to Jesus. 

In January, I made a choice to run to a man instead of God. I was in a situation that made me feel empty and just not good. I went to the guy instead of Jesus, that was very eye-opening to me. It was like hitting rock bottom in a sense. While the experience with him was positive and I genuinely liked him, he was not who I should have gone to in my moment of weakness and stupidity. I walked away from that experience and thought, "Lord how could I go to someone else in my time of need?"  I ended that friendship/relationship in February and it was hard to do. He really was a nice guy and we were just in two different places and jumped into things too fast.  He was kind and made me feel special and if I didn't want to honor God with my life it would have been easy to just get lost in something with him.  He loves the Lord too but it just was the wrong timing. We both came from a place of brokenness and saw the good in each other but it wasn't right. After that, I deleted all dating apps, I came to a place of sharing my struggles and bringing them to light with those around me who are Christians. I got Godly wisdom instead of listening to the world telling me to just explore and do what I want.  I saw patterns that led me to that moment. Coping mechanisms that I had learned in the past and they were a reality.

You see... in 2021 I got a lot of attention from men and women I had never had before because of weight loss. This was not easy to handle. When the world sees your journey and pulls you into their thinking of exploring and doing whatever you want, it is not simple to just walk away from. I was becoming close with people I should not be. I had connections with people who steered me in the wrong thinking. I did things unimaginable. I was so confused on what to do when all along in my heart I knew what was right and wrong but yet here was a group of people supporting me and seeing the real me emerge with my weight loss.  Men saw my vulnerability and took advantage of that. No I do not blame anyone for my actions but they had a huge part in it. I was naïve to the ways of the world honestly. I had no clue what I was walking into and didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to. I feel like this is a problem in the church. Fear of judgement and not talking about real issues and real things lest we be cast out, is how many of us feel.    If I knew I wouldn't be judged and would have had support and people to come clean to, it would have been so much easier.  Perfection is something we seem to hold others accountable to. There are countless people in the Christian world who are chastised for mistakes. Sorry but we hold people in the bible in high regard but yet if you look at their sins they are unimaginable or deemed unforgivable in todays world. Murder, adultery, incest etc to name a few! God sees sin as sin. a lie is the same as murder to him. Think about that for a minute, it isn't about the kind or type of sin to him its about the heart and what is in it. That was a statement that helped me heal. My sin wasn't worse than someone else's, I wasn't unworthy of his love and forgiveness because my sin was in a certain area most Christians deem as the worst! I am not broken or damaged and I saw myself as that for so so long!

As I talked about my last year journey with people in my life, I heard their stories and felt so much more at peace because I was not alone. You see, I am not the only one with some of these struggles but yet it felt like I was because people do not talk about sexual sin openly. Yes, there it is I said it. (I didn't intend to share so much when I started writing for fear of judgement but I am secure in myself now to know I can be honest despite others opinions) My story begins at 6 years old being awakened sexually. No it is not a fun story and I didn't know what to do, or who to tell, or that there was a reason to tell. I felt so much shame and uneasiness about it growing up. I will spare the details but have been influenced by porn, boyfriends, married men, men on the internet and people in general. I struggled with sexual sin for many years even though I was technically a "virgin" during that time.   Being a virgin is nothing, being pure in your mind and actions is more important! There is a generation of us out there who were told do not have sex before marriage. Sex wasn't defined! Intercourse is only a small part of sex anyways.  Intentions and actions and mind sets are key in this. If you are struggling in any of these areas, you are far from alone!!  If you can relate to any of this, I am happy to talk with you. God is doing amazing things to help me restore my relationship with him and bring me to a place of intimacy and seeking his face. I am just so thankful I could forgive myself and let go of the guilt. This was the most difficult parts, knowing that I could walk away from what I knew was right and enter into things that were completely wrong especially when it involved the sanctity of marriage. During this time I still went to church, I tried so hard to rid myself of my behaviors. I wept and wept every Sunday and vowed to try again. I walked away and always ran right back to the things pulling me away.  I lived a double life, believing one thing with my head but not proceeding with the actions in my heart. Actions always speak louder than words, especially in my case! 

For now I will leave this here. There are many things that lead to my stumbling and coping mechanisms are part of that from the childhood trauma. If you want to talk, I am here. If you are struggling, you are not alone. I want to honor God and that is why I am choosing what I have for my life, not for anyone else or anything else other than him!  

In Christ alone is how I can be bold enough to share. God loves us so much and knowing that is a key to forgiving ourselves and others.

💗 Janette