Finding wholeness

Sometimes I feel like I’m broken.  Ya know? I can’t function normally, my body isn’t finding its new normal yet after surgery.  My heart is sad and a little broken right now.  But in spite of circumstances, I don’t have to feel that way. Recently there have been two sermons on Psalm 23.  One was about rest and the other about being in the valley but letting God hold you in that spot. He doesn’t leave you or forsake you. I needed that, when I feel like I’m walking in that valley of the shadow of death, I can fear no evil because he is with me.  How much do I take that for granted?!?    

I’ve had complications since surgery. I can’t do a lot physically without a ton of pain. It’s humbling to have to stay in bed a lot. I didn’t use my time as wisely as I should have recently. Navigating dating, friendships, attention and attraction has not been easy. I have a few different social media accounts and posting progress photos and about my journey has brought a lot of attention, not all of it has been positive.  Learning lessons about life and people in the last few months has been hard. I’m not perfect and haven’t ever been. I’ve never had this much attention in my life. I never knew people could find me attractive and want to get to know me, some of them in the wrong sort of way.  I’m taking a social media break so I can set up boundaries and delete people who aren’t really interested in my real journey but just what I look like.  I feel like I just connected with people to fill voids and pieced them all together but just feel empty inside at the end of the day. I’ve met some amazingly nice people, women and men who have become great friends and supporters but I don’t want to live my life on social media. Editing what’s really important and what’s necessary is my next step.  So doing what I have to do isn’t easy but it’s worth it. 

This is “Forgiveness,” by Jason Upton and such a healing song for me  

Grieving is a part of the journey
Saying goodbye to who I thought I was
Life is a mystery, full of twists and turns
One little lesson that I've learned

Forgiveness, is our healing medicine
Forgiveness, when we just can't forget
Sharper than any sword, stronger than any war
It's not easy, but I know it's a gift from You
I know it's a gift from You

We're all a part of a family
The family is growing again
And we will fall and break and bruise
Get back up with open wounds
And choose to trust again

Forgiveness, is our healing medicine
Forgiveness, when we just can't forget
Sharper than any sword, stronger than any war
It's not easy, but I know it's a gift from You
Yeah, I know, it's a gift from You

You never said that it was easy
You know what it's like to lose
Through power of forgiveness
You make all things new
You make all things new

A little faith can move the mountains
How much faith will it take to
Let go of the pain we're in
Reach out to the world again
And keep holding on to You

Forgiveness, is our healing medicine
Forgiveness, when we just can't forget
Oh, it's sharper than any sword, stronger than any war
It's not easy, but I know it's a gift from You
Yeah, it is
I know it's a gift from You

We say, Father, forgive them
They know not what they do
They know not what they do
Father, forgive them
They know not what they do
They know not what they do

We say, Father, forgive us
We know not what we do
We know not what we do
Oh Father, forgive us
We know not what we do
We know not what we do

Forgiveness, is our healing medicine
Forgiveness, when we just can't forget
Sharper than any sword, stronger than any war
It's not easy, but I know it's a gift from You

A little bit about what’s going on in my heart right now. 

I have a really good friend that I was interested in being more than friends with but he is not.  That was a hard truth to face. I let myself get close to him recently and had hope that he might possibly be interested.  I mistook our close friendship for something it wasn’t.  I’m extremely sad about it and realized I let myself care deeply for him more than I should have.  I had to let the friendship go for now because I can’t be close to him right now and it’s not fair to love someone alone. Yes, I said, “love.” No, I didn’t know I went there with my feelings until one random afternoon listening to some music. I had to grieve our close friendship and the fact that I let myself fall for someone unavailable emotionally to me. I love him as a friend and a close one but a little bit more than that.  It’s a hard truth to realize but I have to just guard my heart in the future. Crying is therapy for me, so many tears have been shed.  I do not blame him or want any of this to be his fault. I am the one who knowingly took a chance and it wasn't reciprocated. Sometimes people just don't feel the same or want a relationship and that is what happened. It is a lonely place to be one sided and that wasn't fair to him or me, so it was time to let that go no matter how difficult it is. 

During this time another man has been Interested in me.  He lives far away. We have a lot in common and he asked to be exclusive but after saying yes, I had no peace about it. I really do genuinely like him but know it’s just not right at this time. I need to heal my hurts and my heart right now.  I don’t think I can do 2227 miles apart either.  This is also sad but I’m not ready. I can’t go from one person to the next. It’s not fair to him or to me.  

So many potential people but most live far away  I’ve decided to try and back off from potentially dating for now. Just need time for me right now.  When a huge part of my life's desire is marriage and family it’s hard to learn to trust and let go of that want to connect with people right now.  It’s just really important at this moment I figure out what exactly I want and what I’m okay with in a relationship.  Long distance is just too hard unless I can drive there in a day! 

Thank you for reading this and for being supports in my life! Taking time to let God bring wholeness to my heart and my life.  I need to trust him and not try to do everything on my own! Creating time to be close to the Lord is most important at this time. Getting to a place of rest in him rather than striving for something I do want! I know he has a plan and I know I can trust in him. He has been ever so faithful to me! 

Mother’s Day woes.

My hearts desire from childhood has been to be a mother.  My life is so different than I planned all those years ago. I thought for sure by 36 I would have been married with several children. But here I am, childless, not married and not even dating. (Online dating doesn’t count) I didn’t take care of myself for so many years. I lost a lot of time but still have hope. I’m having surgery on my uterus in 2 weeks. Please pray for continued healing and wholeness. My treatment plan is going well and my prospects of having children are great. This whole bump in the road has taken a toll on me. The things I’ve gone through in the last 6 months haven’t been easy. Fear and anxiety have been prevalent. I feel extra supported right now and I’m grateful for that. I have to trust in the Lord for my future.   

I had to forgive myself for not prioritizing my own life. For not dealing with my trauma and ignoring or avoiding what was clearly an issue, my obesity.  Proud of all my changes this last year.   These changes came later than I’d have hoped but now I’m figuring out my life.  I have hope for the future and know good things are in store. 

Yes, I nannied 35 children in 16 years but it’s not the same.  Loving those children some like my own was easy but yet hard. My first nanny kid I was so close with, I cried for three months when it ended.  It was like my heart was ripped out of my chest. Letting people go and moving on from jobs was the toughest part.  I recently had an interview for two babies this fall as I contemplated going to grad school.  I loved the idea of it but inside I knew my heart couldn’t handle getting attached to a baby, let alone two if it wasn’t mine.  I ended nannying because I was to the point of wanting a new career but also my heart wasn’t into it anymore. Going home with empty arms every night was hard.  So many of them I still love and think about.  When I’m working at my desk I miss the freedom of being outside and doing fun projects. Nannying was an amazing career  So many mothers who have trusted me with their babies. It’s been an honor to work for incredible women.  

But am I really okay?

 I’ve dealt with some real fears lately. You know the kind that I can justify because it really is scary.  But is that really an excuse to not let the Lord into that place of fear? Anxiety that feels crippling. Overwhelmed to the point of crying everyday.  Losing grip on reality because I’m worried about what this means and why it’s happening.  

In the fall I had some issues with my menstrual cycle. January given an option and it made it worse to the point of having to take medication to stop everything. Then in February they wanted to do a procedure that I couldn’t do because of anxiety.  I was given a new medication for three months and sent on my way.  This medication made me have horrible side effects and to the point of it being extremely scary a few days. I also was having extremely painful contractions. This was traumatic for me and trying to work from home in the midst of pain and hormonal emotions was horrid. I felt like I was having a breakdown almost daily.  It got to the point of medical intervention and they put me on a different pill but now I need an endometrial biopsy. Probably one of the top ten worst days in life was that day, learning the pill is failing me while in agonizing pain and I need the procedure immediately but they couldn’t schedule it until April 12th.  I laid in bed with so many thoughts and emotions. I couldn’t handle this news. I had so many hopes of figuring it out. All the thoughts of worry and anxiousness about the procedure came flooding in.  That was three weeks ago.  I’m still processing and clinging to scripture.  I have a lot more peace now but am nervous.  Just a few more days now. 

How can I be an emotional wreck and give of myself to others right now. My job is literally as a support system and teacher of child development to parents.   If my brain is scattered I’m not doing a very good job.  I have felt like I was failing at my job lately.  It’s overwhelming and a lot of work.  When your mind isn’t right it’s hard to focus and get things done. I’ve considered a career change so that I’m not overwhelmed.  That is scary but might be necessary. I’m emotionally invested in the lives of my families.  I need to separate my work and personal life and that is hard to do when I’m working in my room where I do life outside of work. I was okay in the beginning but now see it’s not the best practice.  Making some changes to my space is helping and being more aware of how I feel is too.  

I feel like myself again and after crazy emotional weeks. I am more even keel. It’s such a relief to not be so emotional at all moments of the day. Of course I’m a sensitive person and tender hearted so crying happens quickly for me but not like it was.  I cried at the craziest things.  I felt so random before and am gaining my sense of control back.  Trying to figure out my new normal. 

decisions decisions decisions

 How often do we second guess ourselves? I’m always second guessing my choices and decisions.  Choosing a job is the worst for me.  I enjoy my job but it’s overwhelming at times.  Isolated in my room is super hard working during covid.  Contemplating graduate school, contemplating a new relationship, contemplating a career change! What does the future hold? Endless possibilities are out there and yet I just want to know and control. It’s hard giving up control of things in life for me. It’s unnerving.  I’m a planner, I want to know what’s coming and what’s happening. Trusting the Lord for my future is hard! Giving up control isn’t easy.   I’m learning to let go and let God. I am stressed out with my job and thinking of a career change is frightening. I’m hoping with the weather changing I can get out of the house and out of my winter blues.  

I’m not very good at dating either.  I feel like I’m too picky and judgmental.  I think that I am looking for something so specific it’s hard for me to give others a chance.  I also always like the ones who never like me back. Friend zoned is the place I’ve always been.  I’m nervous to continue with people because I so don’t want to make the wrong choice and then miss the right one. Some may think we can’t miss it but we have free will and make choices. I always want the best timing and get overwhelmed with changes. I’ve never gotten male attention while being so overweight.  As I lose weight it has increased. Something I am not used to and scares me. I wasn’t very good with it when I was younger. Lord teach me patience.   I also just want to chat all day long and am not very good at holding back. I am experiencing different personalities. I’m thankful that I’m an ambivert! I can understand both sides of that part of someone’s personality.  I am learning through this process of getting to know men that what I do or say is just as important as what they do or say. How am I presenting myself? Am I being authentic? I sure hope so! 

So while feeling like huge changes are coming I’m learning to let my sense of control go. The hardest thing for me in this season.  I’ve dealt with some physical issues this year that have brought anxiety and uncertainness. This caused in me overwhelming feelings and trying to work with it all has been difficult. To be honest, it’s sad how little I gave it to the Lord.  Surrender is necessary, Lord help me to lay down my burdens and focus on you! How much time do I spend on things that are meaningless? How much time do I invest in what the Lord wants to do in my life? Really focusing on my relationship with Christ and how I need to increase my time spent with Jesus. 

I’m seeking counsel and not keeping things to myself and that’s helping me tremendously.   I tend to isolate and hide away but am seeing how detrimental that has been to my mental state and quality of life. Having others who can pray and walk along side my decisions is so important. So grateful for all the new connections I have and the faithful people speaking into me! Taking a leap of faith whatever area of my life this year will be exciting and I’m praying for the Lords best! 

Compliments or insecurities?

When you have low self worth or low self esteem you see your mistakes and your insecurities are at the forefront of your mind. Past employers have said so many nice compliments about me but all I could see in my mind was how I wasn’t that great.  There is a pharmacist in my town I worked for just two weeks in 2017 because his wife lost her job while I was there.  He complimented me in 2019 when he recognized me after I said, “hello,” picking up a prescription. He mentioned, “you’re the best one we had.” I didn’t think it could be true.  I had a hard time accepting it.  I did think of those two weeks and how I organized their pantry, helped the 9 year old organize her drawers as it was her responsibility to put laundry away and she had no space. Then we played games and made Hello Fresh dinners together. I truly liked them. I enjoyed my years nannying. They weren’t easy!!! Last year a mental health consultant in the classroom complimented me on how I was able to continue relationships with children who were not easy to love based on behavior. It meant so much to me but I played it off! That was truly so kind and it’s true. Basing relationships on behavior is not always going to work. Someone could act horrible to you but there might be something going on behind the scenes. It’s important to know that and recognize people have flaws. Sometimes it is just temporary. 

When you’re with children all day it isn’t some walk in the park. Teaching them, guiding them, feeding, clothing, bathing, playing, etc happens.  I hate when people call their nanny a babysitter.  Sorry, but I’m not just here to sit while they watch movies and sleep. I’m literally helping you raise your children.  That’s a huge responsibility.  16 years of hard work that I absolutely loved. So many children in my heart! So many good memories and some not so good. I dealt with guilt throughout the years for not always being the best version of myself. Hire an overweight nanny... she may not have as much energy but she will love your kids like her own! I was always afraid in interviews of getting judged for my weight, but I found so many good families to work for. I only had two experiences that weren’t the best. One family was used to a quiet reserved nanny. I was 22 and wanted to fellowship with people  I was used to being more involved in raising the children. They gave some excuse and then I left after 4.5 months in southern CA. Then in Medford I nannied for a family that wanted me to be a fun aunt in the morning to her three children, they didn’t want to get ready for school! Seriously the 8 year old was coddled and it made it so hard! I loved the girls and the dad though. Just not the best fit for me. There are times I could have done more, said yes more, been less selfish. Processing memories and the thoughts or feelings associated with them is important.  Forgiving myself has been the hardest! It’s so worth it though! 

So much of my identity was wrapped up in my insecure appearance. I hated what I looked like. I hated that I didn’t have as much energy as others as I got over age 30. I hated that I wasn’t the best version of myself! I’ve struggled with how I see myself as well as how others see me. It’s easier to hide away than to get out there and get judged. So much around me is based on weight,  compliments when you lose weight build you up but often feel fake and like you were worthless with more weight on your body. What happens when someone gains weight? The compliments end! The genuine interest in that person decreases. I’ve seen it time and time again! Please be kind to people who are obese. They deserve just as much love and attention!  So please compliment people on accomplishments, on character, on who they are... not what they wear, not what they look like and definitely not just on weightloss. Yes, I love hearing all the kind words, but that shouldn’t be the only focus of people’s words to me! 

Missing what I always wanted.

 I always thought I’d get married and have children when I was younger in my twenties but it didn’t happen  that disappointment was hard. I pursued people until about 30 but after that started not caring as much. I didn’t have anyone to like! I didn’t meet people in school or while working as a nanny. I missed out on a lot of life because of my weight. Which I’m no longer letting hold me back. 

Sitting in the background is what I’ve done for many years. I dated age 15 until I was around 22-23. I didn’t date because of my weight after that much. I was definitely interested in a lot of guys but they never worked out or always liked someone else.  The friend zone is where I’m always at.  The last time I was pursued by a man was in 2014 and that ended awkwardly. Plus kissing him was weird  (ha) I just didn’t have physical chemistry with him. We were study partners in a college class he was 41, I was 30. I had also decided to move to Portland in just a few months. I guess I did have a guy interested in me at PCC in 2015. I literally used my brother on the phone pretending to be my boyfriend.  He was obsessed with me in class 🥴😆.    Online dating is a joke these days 1% of professing Christians are Christ followers, the greatest desire is just to find someone to have sex with then maybe find a relationship on that path. I’m not sleeping around!! So that brings the amount of people to a very tiny percentage that are in an age range I’m comfortable with.  

When I think of myself I think of the movie shallow Hal. How he sees the larger woman as truly beautiful.  In reality she is not the ideal Hollywood sized babe but he falls in love with her.  He makes a connection and then sees her flaws of weight and is shocked.  How could he of all people fall for a girl like that?  Like she is less than because of her weight. Like she deserves less because of her size.  This is absolutely untrue and  something I deal with. Who is going to want me? I have loose skin, I don’t have a perfect body and never will.. That doesn’t make me worth less than another woman. My body is still worthy of love and attention  I’m just patiently pursuing relationships at this point.

Society says I’m not beautiful and I’m not worthy of love because my body isn’t perfect. Well that isn’t what God says about me. That isn’t how I feel about myself anymore. I’m reading “So long Insecurities,” by Beth Moore. It’s such a good book! It’s helping me see those places in myself that I need to change and work on.   Insecurity isn’t all about outward appearances and not conditional to American beauty standards. 

I’ve been really bold lately in pursuing relationships with Men. Hey a few have been ruled out and one friend zoned me that I really like! That’s okay, one day I’ll meet a man who sees my worth and I’m excited for the future.  I always stayed on the side before because I didn’t think anyone could want a fat chick who wasn’t confident in who she was. I used my outside appearance as a hinderance.  Well now that I’m working on it and making healthier choices I’m not anywhere near being slender but I’m not afraid of what could be now.  I’m not waiting around anymore.  It hurts when people talk about your singleness when you’re in your mid 30’s.  Sorry but don’t put pressure on single women. We have enough to deal with you have no idea what’s going on in our minds! 

Who am I, Fat?

I’ve always known who I was as a fat person, but I hid behind my sweatshirts, changed to skirts because I hated my appearance and wanted to feel and look more feminine.  Jeans were not right for my body type. Large stomach and smaller butt squished to confinement isn’t comfortable or flattering. I felt like a fish out of water much of the time.  I longed to join in activities and do things other people could do but was tired and didn’t feel good almost daily. I longed to just feel normal. I let my fat hold me back from living so much of my life.  I wanted to visit people I loved and missed so many times but for fear of not looking great, I didn’t call or go to see them.  I have huge desires to hike so many places and even parts of the pacific crest trail. I want to run freely without injuries. I love swimming and exercising in the pool  but when you’re so overweight it is hard to start doing any of those things. The ideal me is a swimmer, enjoys going out with friends, can go to various waterfalls and hike around them, doesn’t get tired walking around after just a little while on the beach, can sit on an airplane seat without an extended buckle and isn’t afraid of what other people think about her body. 

When I started a huge change in my life using myfitnesspal 2013-14 and working out I lost a lot of weight and inches and looked pretty good. But I didn’t deal with the mental side of losing weight and every winter I got depressed with Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I didn’t know how to get out of my slump and would eat my feelings and stay in my room a lot more. I still cannot believe the amount of food I used to eat, even just a few years ago. Shrinking my stomach has been a long process but I found ways that are working. I would always gain during the Christmas holiday and couldn’t get back on track. My weight has gone up and down hundreds of times. I look at photos of myself and still see that huge person despite 75+ lbs gone! It’s hard to see the changes in my body even though my clothes are fitting looser and I have to replace a lot of them. My largest pants size was 26 and 4x shirt that were both big but I could wear them just fine. I do not know my highest weight but know 351 for sure, not weighing is an issue I deal with to avoid the truth. I’m under 300 now and have been for a while. I have been steadily declining the last few years.  Taking the weight off quickly wasn’t something I wanted to do. Most of the time people just gain it back. After hearing so many not good weightloss surgery stories I didn’t want to go down that path either. I want my body to do what it was designed to do and work it’s self out. 

As an adolescent I was judged and even put down on subtle ways from those around me. Suggestions of losing weight do not help an overweight person. Telling them about so and so overweight person with health issues doesn’t help. The number one support they need is mental and emotional support. There is always a reason behind the weight gain and most of the time it is trauma. Help them work through issues invite them to do fun things.  I have watched people treat my skinny sister so differently than myself. When you’re overweight you become the background to someone else’s story most likely. Nutrition is a huge part of weight gain. I’ve learned a lot in recent months and have started my own journey to health several times. Now it is different as I’m working with a doctor and do not want to go on medication. I now am Keto and low carb.  My body is eating it’s own fat. It’s amazing to see the changes in my body.  If you have  an overweight child get them counseling  encourage them to find a hobby, seriously limit the sugar in your home and eat less grains. The American way of eating sugar constantly is so unhealthy and detrimental to your family and children’s health. Use fruit as the sugar in your home not candy and desserts. Granola bars most of them are basically candy with the same sugar content. Apples with almond butter and cinnamon are perfect as dessert. Seriously consider throwing out the sugar and limiting candy to just a holiday or celebration. Also do not reward or punish your children with food. Don’t control their every waking food choice either. Suggestion would be to take a clear bin and label it their name choose some fruit veggies and snacks for it, when they are hungry and need a snack that is the bin for the day. Great way to have them choose the veggies and fruit or other alternative. Life long habits start at day 0 of your life! Look at baby food packaging... why do infants need added sugar in their food? Herbs gets them hooked on sugar right from the beginning! Look up Baby Led Weaning and you’ll thank me later! 

I gained the attention of not so great guys because they know women of a larger size do not get much attention and when they do they fall for the flattery or are conned to feel beautiful but all the man wants is sex.  Time and time again I make a connection and it comes to that subject and it’s pushed to the forefront of the friendship or relationship.  I am so glad I chose to stop looking for love in all the wrong places.  I shouldn’t have to compromise my beliefs for someone. I know physical attraction is huge for men and I’m working on my appearance but the inside is just as important as the outside. Unfortunately most men don’t see me as attractive and that’s just how it is. Finding a good man is my goal for this next year or so.  Someone who truly can value my friendship and also sees my journey to a healthier me as important.   

Now that I’m on my way I have new things to think about. In the weight loss journey I’m rediscovering who I am and what I like   What new things should I try? I’ve always wanted a banana boat bike, a pink or yellow one! A classic Schwinn bike with a basket.  Could be fun? I’m not sure but it’s time to get out of my comfort zone and put some dancing shoes or hiking boots on. I just have to find people to try new things with, not always fun on my own! I absolutely love swimming still and can never leave that.