Lets talk about it

 As I got out of the shower the other night, I had a memory pop into my mind. This memory is full of fear disguised through a false friendship. I would guess I was about 10 when this particular sleepover took place. Loud music, a mom folding laundry, wood panelled rooms, and the smell of tater tots rush back to me when I think of that night. I am uncertain of her name exactly, but Alicia is what I recall. Well, I suppose it is time to share this story. . .

First off, I remember my mom being angry because I was supposed to clean my room before I went over for the day, but maybe I went home with her after school and then begged her to let me spend the night? Those details are fuzzy. My friend and I had fun, and due to medical trauma, I had been restricted in spending a lot of time at other people's homes for quite a while. Alicia seemed nice and attended the church I was at, and I remember her smiling often. I remember eating some dinner and having snacks, we laughed a lot. I was having a good time. Alicia's room was down the hall to the right after entering the house through the dining room/kitchen. I walked into the living room and then went down the hall. She had a walk-in closet, and I think she shared her room with a sibling or two. We were in her room a lot after dinner and I could hear music from the living room playing very loudly. The last time I saw her mom she was folding laundry and singing before we went into her room. I think it was Christian music. Alicia went out there to get us a drink aor do something nd came back with fear stricken on her face. She told me to hide in the closet and that some guy was out there. She was saying he was holding her mom hostage and I started crying. She was crying and carrying on, I was terrified at what I thought was happening.  She was afraid and hysterical at times. I am not sure how long we were in there but she would sneak out to check periodically and then come back with more information. It was dark in the closet and scary. I had never been in a position where someone had broken into a home before. After some time, all of the sudden, she laughed and then said she was "just joking." She had made the whole thing up like a psycho. I was stunned at this revelation and really hurt inside by it. I had no idea how to process what happened. Her mom and siblings were perfectly fine. In fact, her mom was making dinner for us to drive up to the mill in town, where her dad was working. I was a kid who went to bed early but her family was used to being out late. It was dark and I think around 10pm when we loaded up into her station wagon and took food to her dad. I was exhausted emotionally and physically. I kept that hidden inside though, and never told anyone what happened. I went through a fake trauma that felt very real in the moment. I was lied to and made to believe circumstances were quite different than what they actually were. I do not recall staying friends with her or ever going to her house again. 

I am not sure why the memory came up, or where it came from, but I do know that I was meant to share it.  Fear seems to be a weakness that has tried to overtake my life. To me, anxiety is the fear of the unknown and has often plagued me over the last 40 years. I was diagnosed a few years ago with general anxiety disorder and have come so far. My life has changed so much by processing what has happened to me, but also in changing my mindset. This quote comes to mind.“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” – Criss Jami. I used to hide myself from the world around me. I never shared my inner thoughts and struggles. 

A few weeks ago, I was driving on an old highway next to the Rogue River here in Southern Oregon. Three deer ran into the road as I was going about 50mph. I slammed on my brakes, very thankful no one was behind me. I went to accelerate again after nearly hitting them and noticed my car was in neutral. I saw my lunch bag move but I am pretty sure it was an Angel that put my car in neutral. It helped me slow down quickly and not speed up too fast when I wanted to keep going. I arrived at the school with my heart pounding and adrenaline rushing through my body.  It was a miracle and something I am very grateful to God for. As I drive the same road each morning, my heart races a bit and fear tries to come over me. I once a few days later saw a mail box from afar, thinking it was a deer. (Yes, I laughed at myself) Prayer, worship music and the word get me through those moments. I remind myself of scriptures that talk about fear. 

1 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Last night I woke up hearing noises outside my home. This is not a normal thing and I live in a not so great neighborhood. I think someone was lurking around my home. Adrenaline rushed in and fear came over me. I prayed in that moment. I didn't sleep well after that but I also did not let it consume me. I have had a few nights here in this little house where I knew someone was outside my window or door. I cannot let it take root and bring fear into my mind. I could let it consume me and want to move but I love living here. Relying on God to calm my nerves and to give me a sound mind is the best thing I can do.  I can make wise decisions of course about my safety but I also cannot let unknowns overtake me. There are many worship songs that come to mind. "Fear is not my future." by Maverick City Music comes to mind. The words to that song play in my mind sometimes. Another song I love is "Psalm 23 The Lord is my Shepherd" here is the link: https://youtu.be/8OlMGnPUAdw?si=OyuJgNMKLgn_qbEd

I could not imagine living this life without God or my faith. I would not be mentally sound or okay without him. Leaning on the Holy Spirit to guide me and Christ to strengthen me is all that I have. There is nothing in this world that compares.  If you do not know Jesus like I do, please reach out to me. 

Janette

Reflection

"Don't let yesterday take too much of today." This quote by Will Rogers is what I am focussing on this year in 2025. What did you bring into 2025 that you do not need? 

I was driving down the highway a month ago or so and a song playing on my phone reminded me of someone from the past. He introduced me to the album and I thoroughly enjoyed the lyrics and music, but it made me remember him. There was a tinge of regret inside me and I hated that feeling. I am tired of that and said to myself, "No more in 2025!" In that moment I was frustrated with the reminders of the past and with how much reflection I do. I have an incredible memory, it can be something that brings my emotional state down when dwelling on the unpleasant ones. I have a year-long devotional on the Bible App that most recently has been talking about remembrance. I can dwell on good things or let the past define my mood. A scripture that comes to mind is, 

"Ephesians 4:22-24 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." 

So I have a choice to dwell on the past or to renew my mind. Old patterns are hard to walk away from yet with Christ comes freedom. When we dwell on the new it changes us. I can let the mistakes of my past define me and cause emotional distress or I can walk in the freedom given to me in Christ.  Having reminders of the change in me is what helps the most. People in my life seeing the growth and change and supporting me has been incredible. Listening to what scripture speaks over me and paying attention to what is influencing my mind is most beneficial. 

A person I have not spoken to in 1.5 years reached out several weeks ago. I began to speak with them and was able to boldly say what went wrong and how they hurt me. They graciously apologized and it was very healing. Hearing their voice was a reminder of the good and bad. It was a temptation to wish for the good and a reminder of the hurt. After a few days, I decided I needed to leave that part of my life in the past. I am happy to speak and see them if we are in the same area, or see each other randomly in public but I do not need to continue the reminder of what once was.  I do not need to repeat old patterns. I do not need a part of me longing for the past and constantly reminded of it.

So my question today is what do you need to let go of from the past? What are you constantly reflecting on that doesn't deserve one more minute of your time? What do you need to weed out in the garden of your mind?

Phillipains 4: 8-9 says, 

8Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. 9The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.

 If you look back in the scriptures to what Paul is saying to dwell on, he had just written to rejoice(verse 4) and not be anxious(verse 6). There is much more in chapter 4 of Phillipians but my point is that we choose what to dwell on. I choose what I put into my mind and what I let influence me. Paul is saying here to meditate on the good, can I do that when what is coming to mind is a reflection of the bad? Absolutely not, so today I make it a point to dwell on the word of the Lord and not the negativity that often can come to mind, when there is a reminder of it.  

The odd one out

 For most of my life, I have felt like the "different one."  In early life I was shy. I was sensitive and so much affected me deeply. At one point it was evident that I was different in elementary school, as I had a traumatic accident at age 8, the summer before third grade. I had to wear an eye patch, protective gear etc. As I grew older I just wanted to hide and not be looked at as weird with my goggles and thick glasses.  I didn't want to stand out, I didn't want to be me. I hid away under my weight gain. Hiding was life's purpose for several if not all of my adult life. Hiding was my way of coping, to deny that anything exists or is wrong was how I acted.  I didn't enjoy life whatsoever. It took many years and the seeds from my psychology classes that finally made me realize I needed mental help. The mental support the last few years has been incredible. From being broken to freedom was a long journey but incredibly worth it. There are still moments that sting though like this one. 

Sometimes even now I feel like the odd one out, the token fat girl in the crowd. I question people's thoughts toward me or see the pity in their eyes/faces. To be authentically me is difficult because other's expectations/beliefs play a part in their interactions with me.  To be present but yet not the same as those around you in some aspects carries a weight to it. I look very different than most. I am very obese and it is evident when in a crowd. I have been smaller and treated so vastly differently when I was. Currently, it has been incredibly difficult to lose weight no matter what I do, I shouldn't have to explain myself to others but I feel often that I have to.  I feel the small judgments or looks and hear the remarks to other people that have lost weight, like they are somehow better. So many put emphasis on the outward appearance and weight being the forefront that value is attached to it. Like somehow they are better at life. It is quite an off-putting feeling.

I was in a home recently of lovely people but I looked around and I am the one that stands out.  I am the one that is not looking like the crowd.  I am the one with the outward problem. People are kind of course to me but when you know they value "skinny" you feel somehow not on their level or good enough for them. I am not unaware or in denial about what my body looks like. I absolutely cannot fathom that I have gotten myself here again.  Why do I feel the way I do? Maybe because I see and hear comments that are made about weight, gyms, healthy, etc from people. I know people are not intentional with their focus on certain things directly to me but it doesn't feel nice. It makes me wonder how others are treated that aren't their friends or people in their family that are overweight. Do they see them as less than? Are they not good enough at their current weight? Why must the emphasis always be on "lose weight?" Can we not support and be kind without comments and judgments? Can the person be accepted at their current weight? Why must there always be this looming "I am on a weight loss journey" every moment of their waking day? It is a lot easier to make progress without pressure. 

I have worked so hard many times the last few years, just to crash with extreme fatigue. It is debilitating mentally to deal with what I do at times. I have to give up so many things I love, like the gym, pool, and hiking to recover. Work becomes the only thing I have to do and making it through the week can be exhausting. Just to find that I have become weaker than before or the weight is a little higher than I thought. I can celebrate all of the amazing things my body has done for me. I have foughten off cancerous cells, hypertonic muscles, long haul covid, asthma, upper airway inflamation syndrome, blood pressure issues, prolapse, hormone imbalances, horrid medications, plus any other regular things just in the last 3.5 years. My body is working hard daily to keep me here and alive. My labs are great, which is awesome. I have conquered so many things, biopsies, surgeries, long-haul crashes, etc. I have to celebrate my body and love it despite the appearance that so many find so ugly/unattractive. Being accepted as I am is something I seek. Yes, I can improve myself in many ways and always strive to do/be better but the focus on my life should not be my weight/size or physical appearance. I have to pull that energy into making myself healthy and weight loss is a part of that, I am not denying that but it cannot be the sole focus of my life. I am the same whether the number on the scale goes up or down any amount. I have value and worth despite the stares and pity I receive. I want to be loved for the woman I am not just the appearance I have. 

I have wrestled with insecurity in this area. It makes it easier to see going from extremely overweight to a huge weight loss to weight gain. It is embarassing and hurtful even to my own self.  I have sought help and continue to strive for a better healthier me. I suppose it is time to not let my own thoughts make me feel bad about myself. I don't want to feel like I should run away when I see people. I should walk in confidence and let the healing of Christ run over me. It is not easy to be in my position or my body. I wish things were different and I know there are many ways I can improve. "I am not good enough," is a phrase I have constantly had rattling in my head for way too long. It definitely has been roaring its head lately. Yes, I know I am overweight, yes it is a priority, yes I am good enough! 

99.5

Blog 39 of the 40 I committed to this year. 

A few weeks ago I was home on a Sunday morning listening to church online. The preacher was talking about how much God wants to connect with us. He set up the scene as if you were on a beach, 100 feet from someone, how you would run to each other. He said, "If we take half a step, he takes the other 99.5." God is right there! I have been thinking about that picture. All we need to do is lift a foot to walk forward into him and that will be enough, I am reminded of the scripture in James 3, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." I always picture that as leaning in for a hug and he leans straight into you. I think this picture of him running to us when we try to step towards him is more real. We often think in our minds that he doesn't care and is so far off, yet that is in our carnal thinking. If he said, "...he never leaves or forsakes us," (Deuteronomy 31:6) then it is a lie we believe from the enemy that holds us back.  

I spent most of my adult life thinking God was distant because I wasn't perfect. He doesn't require anything from me besides surrender. His love isn't conditional based on what I have or have not done. It is the most incredible feeling in the world to know you are loved by a savior, and nothing is because of something you did besides believing in him.  Letting guilt and shame take the place of closeness with my savior was a detriment to my relationship with God. This is why renewing the mind is so important. Examining the belief system you have and weeding out the false lines of thinking takes intentionality. If I believe that Jesus is right there ready to receive me in moments of sin or altered life circumstances, then I am more willing to confess and look to him. There is beauty in recognizing that you are loved, forgiven, and free. 

If you are living in a place of constant doubt that he loves you, he cares about you, or that he is near, please reach out. I would love to pray with you and for you. Don't wait another moment to start seeing yourself the way God does. You are his Beloved. You are chosen, adopted, given grace, and redeemed (Ephesians 1).  Don't let life circumstances pull you down. You are valued, you are worthy and you are incredibly wanted. 

Blessings and love in Christ,

Janette

40 blogs at 40

I decided that I needed to shift my life and focus on making writing a priority this year. It is a love that I do not take the time for. So here I am one day after turning forty making a decision to bring my thoughts to life through the written word. So here is number 40 as I count down to 1. 

Forty, sheesh what does that mean for me? What is ahead? Taking a moment to appreciate the me of the past is something I am learning to enjoy rather than loathe. Instead of looking at all the mistakes and negative experiences, I am choosing to see the good. There is more good than the me of thirty would have thought. The trials and tribulations were hard emotionally but I am strong and resilient. Despite the emotionally taxing months and years, I am here on the other side. 

I had to learn in my darkest hour that my own thoughts are what held me back from freedom in Christ. My own beliefs about Christianity and how I was raised. Lies that I believed were preached or shared that I wrongfully latched onto. A mix of the world and religiosity took over my mind as thoughts and ideas were forming in the years when my brain was creating my identity. The true meaning of grace was something I did not understand fully. I do remember as a 21-year-old a time when I recognized someone I was close to abusing Grace. I felt so uncomfortable with that concept but did not know how to speak up about it. I was mainly under the impression that I had to earn God's favor and blessings even though I knew that it was by faith that I was saved and not by works. (Ephesians 2:8)  I had an idea that I needed to be perfect and knew that I would never reach that mark. I had to try and try to be the best Christian I could be on the outside while drowning on the inside with the guilt and shame for my sins. Letting go of the guilt and shame and letting God's Grace wash over me amid great sin was my changing point. I had to see myself as forgiven and free. I had to let the work Christ did on the cross be for me and not just for other people.

In the spring of this year, a friend showed me this song. It relates to the Enneagram 1. I am a 2, wing 1. I tend to have more weaknesses on the 1 side of things. It talks about the struggle of being a perfectionist and missing the mark yet that's not what God requires of us. 

https://youtu.be/-sO2UMoOaFQ?si=XIiYsAaxXw0hd5-N

verse

Hold on for a minute cuz I believe that we can fix this over time. 

That Every imperfection is a lie.

Or at least an interruption 

Now hold on let me finish, no I'm not saying perfect exists in this life

But we'll only know for certain if we try.

chorus 

I, I want to sing a song worth singing 

I, write an anthem worth repeating 

I, I want to feel the transformation. 

A melody of reformation

verse

The list goes on forever for all the ways I could be better in my mind 

As if I could earn God's favor given time 

Or at least congratulations. 

Now I have learned my lesson the price of this so called perfection is everything. 

I spend my whole life searching desperately, to find out that Grace requires nothing of me. 

chorus

I, I want to sing a song worth singing 

I, write an anthem worth repeating 

I, I want to feel the transformation 

A melody of reformation. 

verse

Now hold it all more loosely and yet somehow much more dearly 

Cuz I spent my whole life searching desperately 

To find out that Grace requires nothing, Grace requires nothing of me.  

Sleeping At Last "One"

How beautiful is that picture! All of this time I did not need to try and be perfect to be loved. I won't go into the physical picture of this or the way I put myself down so much for my appearance because it is not perfect and never will be in this blog. 

Remember no matter what you have done, are doing or how you view yourself the Lord loves you, gave himself up for you and extends grace to you each and every day. You do not need to stay in a place of living in guilt and shame any longer. 

 Love,

 Janette

On the eve of my 40th birthday.

Swirling chaos and overwhelmed she sits here with a thousand thoughts of how she wished the last forty years could have gone. The disappointment, hurt, anger, and sadness could weigh her down for the next forty if she let it. Each moment of pain stings in the depths of her soul. A mother’s heart with barren arms, a caring and kind woman with not a suiter. To the outside world, she looks empty and unfulfilled. The comments and stares, the pity and solemn glances bear down like a heavy glass closing in. She cries out and often feels like no one hears her. She tried and tried on her own and found only crumbs. She opened herself to people and found the pouring out just made her empty inside. The world haunted her every movement creeping in and pulling her towards the idea that she knows best. Most people never knowing the struggle and burden she held inside. The pull of darkness was much greater than the majority of those she has known could ever realize.  She takes a deep breath…

 

But God, he stepped in at just the right time. He continuously pursued her heart when she gave it to other people. He broke through the anguish and gave her fulfillment, kindness, and grace. She finally believed him and accepted his love without condition. She let go of the past and let go of what wasn’t for her. She stepped into the known conditions of love he had for her. The quiet confidence ever growing in who she is in Christ has become the rock on which she stands on. The tears of gratitude and deep appreciation for the cross and what it means to her so often stain her cheeks, rather than the unfulfilled mourning she used to be overwhelmed by.  Finding out she is more than enough but also not too much has given her peace. Loving who she is changed her life. Leaning into the promises of God and falling in love with her savior has been her joy and delight. Turning to the Lord just as he intended has completely rearranged her thought patterns. The stability has caused her to let go of the past. Loving who God made her to be instead of constantly criticizing herself has changed who she is.

 

She is smart and capable.

She is strong and adventurous.

She is helpful and loving.

She is wise and caring.

She is loved and valued

She is free and forgiven

SHE IS WORTHY

SHE IS ENOUGH

With gratitude and love for all of those who have spoken positively in my life!

Janette

My least favorite day!

 Mother's Day 2023,

This is my least favorite holiday. It is a reminder of what I long for but do not have. Another year has gone by and I am not closer to being a mom. As long as I can remember the desire of my heart was to be a mother. I played with dolls long past the time a child should. I nannied for 16 years longer than most. My heart broke as I left each family and I couldn't take it anymore. I sit here with tear-stained cheeks and an ache for what others have. During the pandemic, so many complained as I was alone wishing I had my own little family to take care of.  My longing may not seem like a big deal to others but it is to me. I have always felt like my purpose on the earth was to be a mother. My mom had 4 children by age 25. I am 38.5 with 0, not where I thought I would be. 

I have dated in the last year but nothing worked out. So many women are in the same place I am:; single, late 30s/early 40s, no children... Please stop asking us when we are getting married and having children! It does not help and is a constant reminder that we are still single. I have actively pursued relationships, not out of desperation but genuinely wanting a life partner. I got off of dating apps about a year ago, they lead to much wasted time and deceptive men.  I can't make a man love me, I cannot make them interested. Many do not want more children at this point, most claim to be Christians but do not respect honoring the Lord with their bodies, some aren't attracted to me and that is okay. Finding a God-fearing Christian man that is older and interested in me just hasn't happened yet. Sometimes it is weary and doesn't feel fair but I am not giving up.   

My last grandparent by blood passed away this week. I grieved the loss of my grandparents never seeing me married or having babies. My gram and gramp loved babies and their family so very deeply. Gram wished that for me and every so often asked for it.  I cannot control someone else's interest or disinterest in me. I have prayed for my future and have focused on my relationship with the Lord tremendously in the last year. I wept knowing they would never see my children. I cannot change that they won't be here but I can pass their love and stories on. 

As I went through my medical issues with my uterus the last few years. I went through a plethora of emotions surrounding the possibility of never carrying a child. I was told by a man I was interested in that it wasn't as big of a deal as a husband and wife going through it together. That was painful, I didn't know if I would ever get the chance and there he was putting down my hurt and discrediting how I felt. I want to try for a baby and the years for that are dwindling. God knows my heart and my desires. I would also like to adopt. Adopting is a huge passion of mine and taking care of children is something I will always be involved in. Speaking into future generations is important to me.  

Another side to all of this is the medical field. The comments, questions, and statements made to my face have been hurtful and unkind. Questioning my age, my desires, and my longing to not do this alone. I do not feel comfortable or that it is right to have a baby on my own. That is not God's design and I will not bring a child into this world knowing they would only have one parent. I do not desire to be a single mom right now. I think children deserve a mother and father. I am not discrediting anyone who does it alone or is a single parent at all. For myself, I cannot condone birthing a baby alone. There is pressure from so many places to do it now but that is out of my control. 

I am not looking for sympathy. I am not lonely, I have found incredible happiness in the Lord this year. I have worked hard on having healthy relationships with men and boundaries. I have cultivated new friendships and found people that want to know me. I have loved my Job more than ever before. I have allowed myself to feel and express my emotions in new ways. I have so much freedom in Christ and am walking in it compared to the past. I have many blessings and am not complaining about this. Just being honest in this season of life and where I am at. 

Janette