As I got out of the shower the other night, I had a memory pop into my mind. This memory is full of fear disguised through a false friendship. I would guess I was about 10 when this particular sleepover took place. Loud music, a mom folding laundry, wood panelled rooms, and the smell of tater tots rush back to me when I think of that night. I am uncertain of her name exactly, but Alicia is what I recall. Well, I suppose it is time to share this story. . .
First off, I remember my mom being angry because I was supposed to clean my room before I went over for the day, but maybe I went home with her after school and then begged her to let me spend the night? Those details are fuzzy. My friend and I had fun, and due to medical trauma, I had been restricted in spending a lot of time at other people's homes for quite a while. Alicia seemed nice and attended the church I was at, and I remember her smiling often. I remember eating some dinner and having snacks, we laughed a lot. I was having a good time. Alicia's room was down the hall to the right after entering the house through the dining room/kitchen. I walked into the living room and then went down the hall. She had a walk-in closet, and I think she shared her room with a sibling or two. We were in her room a lot after dinner and I could hear music from the living room playing very loudly. The last time I saw her mom she was folding laundry and singing before we went into her room. I think it was Christian music. Alicia went out there to get us a drink aor do something nd came back with fear stricken on her face. She told me to hide in the closet and that some guy was out there. She was saying he was holding her mom hostage and I started crying. She was crying and carrying on, I was terrified at what I thought was happening. She was afraid and hysterical at times. I am not sure how long we were in there but she would sneak out to check periodically and then come back with more information. It was dark in the closet and scary. I had never been in a position where someone had broken into a home before. After some time, all of the sudden, she laughed and then said she was "just joking." She had made the whole thing up like a psycho. I was stunned at this revelation and really hurt inside by it. I had no idea how to process what happened. Her mom and siblings were perfectly fine. In fact, her mom was making dinner for us to drive up to the mill in town, where her dad was working. I was a kid who went to bed early but her family was used to being out late. It was dark and I think around 10pm when we loaded up into her station wagon and took food to her dad. I was exhausted emotionally and physically. I kept that hidden inside though, and never told anyone what happened. I went through a fake trauma that felt very real in the moment. I was lied to and made to believe circumstances were quite different than what they actually were. I do not recall staying friends with her or ever going to her house again.
I am not sure why the memory came up, or where it came from, but I do know that I was meant to share it. Fear seems to be a weakness that has tried to overtake my life. To me, anxiety is the fear of the unknown and has often plagued me over the last 40 years. I was diagnosed a few years ago with general anxiety disorder and have come so far. My life has changed so much by processing what has happened to me, but also in changing my mindset. This quote comes to mind.“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” – Criss Jami. I used to hide myself from the world around me. I never shared my inner thoughts and struggles.
A few weeks ago, I was driving on an old highway next to the Rogue River here in Southern Oregon. Three deer ran into the road as I was going about 50mph. I slammed on my brakes, very thankful no one was behind me. I went to accelerate again after nearly hitting them and noticed my car was in neutral. I saw my lunch bag move but I am pretty sure it was an Angel that put my car in neutral. It helped me slow down quickly and not speed up too fast when I wanted to keep going. I arrived at the school with my heart pounding and adrenaline rushing through my body. It was a miracle and something I am very grateful to God for. As I drive the same road each morning, my heart races a bit and fear tries to come over me. I once a few days later saw a mail box from afar, thinking it was a deer. (Yes, I laughed at myself) Prayer, worship music and the word get me through those moments. I remind myself of scriptures that talk about fear.
1 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
Last night I woke up hearing noises outside my home. This is not a normal thing and I live in a not so great neighborhood. I think someone was lurking around my home. Adrenaline rushed in and fear came over me. I prayed in that moment. I didn't sleep well after that but I also did not let it consume me. I have had a few nights here in this little house where I knew someone was outside my window or door. I cannot let it take root and bring fear into my mind. I could let it consume me and want to move but I love living here. Relying on God to calm my nerves and to give me a sound mind is the best thing I can do. I can make wise decisions of course about my safety but I also cannot let unknowns overtake me. There are many worship songs that come to mind. "Fear is not my future." by Maverick City Music comes to mind. The words to that song play in my mind sometimes. Another song I love is "Psalm 23 The Lord is my Shepherd" here is the link: https://youtu.be/8OlMGnPUAdw?si=OyuJgNMKLgn_qbEd
I could not imagine living this life without God or my faith. I would not be mentally sound or okay without him. Leaning on the Holy Spirit to guide me and Christ to strengthen me is all that I have. There is nothing in this world that compares. If you do not know Jesus like I do, please reach out to me.
Janette
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