I made some major life mistakes in the last 12 months. I cannot even share what they are but they tore me up inside. There is nothing worth sinning for. There is no earthly desire or thing that can compare to obeying the Lord. I became someone I did not ever think I could be. I couldn't imagine ever becoming this person. It wasn't easy deciding to do what I was doing, but I didn't care. I didn't even want to end it. Conviction and the Holy Spirit spoke to me so clearly. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew that I didn't want to be that person. No matter how ridiculously hard it was to end, I needed to honor the Lord and be true to my convictions and what the Lord wants for my life. Sinning blatantly is the worst, you know what you are doing is wrong and you ignore it. That wrestling in my soul was difficult especially when to the outside world I seemed to be a good Christian. It was a slow progression from August on battling my desire to sin and my desire to be right with the Lord. I sought help from women at church, I got some inner healing through forgiveness, I spoke with people who brought me to conviction in Love. It wasn't enough though, I stumbled along just broken up inside. I had to come to a place of complete surrender and I was not there yet.
Forgiving myself is the hardest thing. It’s easy to ask the Lord for forgiveness because you know it’s already given. I was so upset with myself and the consequences of my actions. It’s a hurt deep inside I needed to heal from. The guilt was plaguing me for so long. I felt crushed that I let myself get to this place of complete disobedience to the word of God and choosing to do something wrong. I ignored the Lord and even cut some things out of my life that would have brought me closer to him out of shame, because how can I serve sin and Jesus at the same time? Making things right was a decision I had to come to. I felt like my life was just a mess and getting out of it seemed impossible. I was trying to do it on my own and it doesn't work that way. Now, I let Jesus come in and fix it, he is the only one who could make it clean. Everyday during that time period I was moved to tears, whether it is genuine sorrowfulness, being disappointed in myself, sad because I miss my friend or friends whom I let go, or heartbroken over my choices it all added onto my emotional state. My heart hurt in more ways than one. I know that the Lord is the only one who could mend it. I chose to end some friendships, take a social media break besides Facebook, delete some apps that aren't worth keeping, refocus my time and energy into the Lord. I decided that making decisions that really get me to where I want to be in life are most important. It took time and stumbling along to get me to where I wanted to be. That wasn't the end though of the story. While I tried hard, I didn't get to the root of the issues. I didn't have control over it like I wanted because I didn't surrender my whole life to Jesus.
In January, I made a choice to run to a man instead of God. I was in a situation that made me feel empty and just not good. I went to the guy instead of Jesus, that was very eye-opening to me. It was like hitting rock bottom in a sense. While the experience with him was positive and I genuinely liked him, he was not who I should have gone to in my moment of weakness and stupidity. I walked away from that experience and thought, "Lord how could I go to someone else in my time of need?" I ended that friendship/relationship in February and it was hard to do. He really was a nice guy and we were just in two different places and jumped into things too fast. He was kind and made me feel special and if I didn't want to honor God with my life it would have been easy to just get lost in something with him. He loves the Lord too but it just was the wrong timing. We both came from a place of brokenness and saw the good in each other but it wasn't right. After that, I deleted all dating apps, I came to a place of sharing my struggles and bringing them to light with those around me who are Christians. I got Godly wisdom instead of listening to the world telling me to just explore and do what I want. I saw patterns that led me to that moment. Coping mechanisms that I had learned in the past and they were a reality.
You see... in 2021 I got a lot of attention from men and women I had never had before because of weight loss. This was not easy to handle. When the world sees your journey and pulls you into their thinking of exploring and doing whatever you want, it is not simple to just walk away from. I was becoming close with people I should not be. I had connections with people who steered me in the wrong thinking. I did things unimaginable. I was so confused on what to do when all along in my heart I knew what was right and wrong but yet here was a group of people supporting me and seeing the real me emerge with my weight loss. Men saw my vulnerability and took advantage of that. No I do not blame anyone for my actions but they had a huge part in it. I was naïve to the ways of the world honestly. I had no clue what I was walking into and didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to. I feel like this is a problem in the church. Fear of judgement and not talking about real issues and real things lest we be cast out, is how many of us feel. If I knew I wouldn't be judged and would have had support and people to come clean to, it would have been so much easier. Perfection is something we seem to hold others accountable to. There are countless people in the Christian world who are chastised for mistakes. Sorry but we hold people in the bible in high regard but yet if you look at their sins they are unimaginable or deemed unforgivable in todays world. Murder, adultery, incest etc to name a few! God sees sin as sin. a lie is the same as murder to him. Think about that for a minute, it isn't about the kind or type of sin to him its about the heart and what is in it. That was a statement that helped me heal. My sin wasn't worse than someone else's, I wasn't unworthy of his love and forgiveness because my sin was in a certain area most Christians deem as the worst! I am not broken or damaged and I saw myself as that for so so long!
As I talked about my last year journey with people in my life, I heard their stories and felt so much more at peace because I was not alone. You see, I am not the only one with some of these struggles but yet it felt like I was because people do not talk about sexual sin openly. Yes, there it is I said it. (I didn't intend to share so much when I started writing for fear of judgement but I am secure in myself now to know I can be honest despite others opinions) My story begins at 6 years old being awakened sexually. No it is not a fun story and I didn't know what to do, or who to tell, or that there was a reason to tell. I felt so much shame and uneasiness about it growing up. I will spare the details but have been influenced by porn, boyfriends, married men, men on the internet and people in general. I struggled with sexual sin for many years even though I was technically a "virgin" during that time. Being a virgin is nothing, being pure in your mind and actions is more important! There is a generation of us out there who were told do not have sex before marriage. Sex wasn't defined! Intercourse is only a small part of sex anyways. Intentions and actions and mind sets are key in this. If you are struggling in any of these areas, you are far from alone!! If you can relate to any of this, I am happy to talk with you. God is doing amazing things to help me restore my relationship with him and bring me to a place of intimacy and seeking his face. I am just so thankful I could forgive myself and let go of the guilt. This was the most difficult parts, knowing that I could walk away from what I knew was right and enter into things that were completely wrong especially when it involved the sanctity of marriage. During this time I still went to church, I tried so hard to rid myself of my behaviors. I wept and wept every Sunday and vowed to try again. I walked away and always ran right back to the things pulling me away. I lived a double life, believing one thing with my head but not proceeding with the actions in my heart. Actions always speak louder than words, especially in my case!
For now I will leave this here. There are many things that lead to my stumbling and coping mechanisms are part of that from the childhood trauma. If you want to talk, I am here. If you are struggling, you are not alone. I want to honor God and that is why I am choosing what I have for my life, not for anyone else or anything else other than him!
In Christ alone is how I can be bold enough to share. God loves us so much and knowing that is a key to forgiving ourselves and others.
💗 Janette
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