Firstly this is about my own sexual history and very raw and real! Please stop reading if this is not something you can handle. This is my trigger warning!
Think back to the time you were “awakened” sexually How old were you? Did this have a significant impact on your sex life? In your every day life? Or on your perspective in life? What about your sexual pleasure, was it affected by that? This is just my story, and my perspective! You may not agree or relate but please do not downplay how this affected my life!
I was awakened to physical sexual pleasure as a 6 year old in kindergarten. This wasn’t just a show me yours and I’ll show you mine moment. I will spare the details but it was very intense and very wrong for children to be doing. A variety of ages of kids. I was at a friends house and this wasn’t a one time thing. The dad saw what happened one day at some point and sat a few of us down and said it was wrong. I didn’t even know what we were doing. I didn’t even realize it was part of sex. I felt bad about it but didn’t know how to tell anyone or that I was being abused by other kids. Yes, these were children, boys and girls. The fact that these kids knew about all of these sexual things is very concerning to me now as an adult. Clearly someone was doing things to them!
I had a real physical reaction to what happened to me. I began seeking out ways to feel that again. I used a pillow and it was easy to get a release and rush again. This turned into masterbation because that’s what it was even though I had no idea what I was doing or even why. Fast forward to me at 12/13 I was at a friends house the night before Christian camp. We watched “Dirty Dancing” of which is never seen anything like it and it made me turned on. I hadn’t really experienced that from an outside perspective. It was just something I physically did because I knew how. I wasn’t stimulated by anything until those teen years. Then later being exposed to porn while babysitting one very late night scrolling through the cable channels. I was 15 at the time and it really awakened me and I didn’t know how to turn away. I knew it was wrong but yet couldn’t stop watching that night. Then someone’s computer had it and it was easy to see. I found sex scenes in movies as another option. I took a research and report class in high school and this was in 1999, we all clicked the first link together after searching for “sweatshops.” That sight was a pornography site with a bunch of naked men on the front page, instead of the subject of sweatshops in China we were researching about child labor. This began a very long battle with porn that I went through.
You see I grew up in the church and a Christian. I was told over and over again that sex was for marriage and the verse about not awakening or arousing love in Song of Solomon. Also about not burning with passion unless you get married. There are also verses about lusting as well. I had these things already happening but didn’t know how to process that! I didn’t know how to tell someone and get help. I wanted to honor God but I didn’t know how to do that besides physically not interacting with men. Did I keep my mind pure from lust? No! But the emphasis was always on virginity rather than keeping your mind pure. “Don’t have sex until you’re married” is what was drilled into us. Did this sentence solve anything? no!!!
What is sex even defined as? Intercourse is a tiny part of sex in reality. Virginity means nothing if everything else was experienced. Your mind is affected by it all. There are many ways of experiencing sexual pleasure with yourself or a partner without intercourse! These are great and sex is amazing I am not saying that we shouldn’t have these experiences but the Bible clearly says it’s for marriage! Sex isn’t just a physical act it involves emotions and intimacy
Let’s talk about how I was failed in figuring this out as a teen. Be sexually pure, okay, but how do I do that now that I’m not sexually pure because I was awakened at 6?! It’s the context in which the church talked about it that failed me. It’s my parents who did not know how to steward children in how to have a sex drive, and what to do with it, that failed me. My sexual abuse was over looked. It greatly impacted my mind set and my whole life. I would be in class at my desk and fear that people would find out. I was attracted to women off and on, I questioned my sexuality in secret for the most part. I got into pornography as a way to feel that arousal again and solve my desires. It was my coping mechanism and what my brain was taught to want from 6 years old!
It’s very common for people to jump into physical relationships after abuse as a coping mechanism. Mine wasn’t with other people until later in life, it was just me and my own thoughts and feelings because I knew it was wrong to do things with others based on my personal religious beliefs. I carried a lot of guilt and shame over this. I had a lot of trauma related to this!
I didn’t get physically involved with any of my boy friends in high school I didn’t even kiss anyone until I was 21. That doesn’t mean I was pure or amazing for being a virgin. I met a man and we began dating, he was my first everything. He touched my leg and my whole body went insane. What the heck was this? I hadn’t felt that much fire before from someone I was with. I didn’t know how to battle my inner desire for purity and especially since having already been awakened sexually. I wasn’t innocent but at the same time was. I’ll leave the details out of this relationship but when I walked away I was very hurt! I gained so much weight to hide my body so I wouldn’t be tempted again to be physical with anyone. My path going forward isn’t something I want to share right now and I have eluded to it in previous blogs.
I had times where the battle for porn was very strong and others where it was long seasons of nothing! I once felt free from it in my twenties when I went to someone and wasn’t able to actually tell her but she gave me some good advice. I did what she said and it worked for a long time. I didn’t come to a place of healing from porn until just this past January. I shared some things that happened with a friend group and that confession brought healing. One friend shared her journey and it’s been a huge help to me. I had a heart change! I had a moment of truly surrendering to Jesus! I needed that to be free of this hanging over me. I came to a moment of realization of what was being put into my mind and how that needed to end. Lust is really the hugest issue! Honestly I hated porn, I hated what it did to me! I hate what it does to others and marriages. There is no justifying it in my opinion! No judgement and no condemnation! I hope others can be free from it too!
Helpful resources:
Fight the new drug is an incredible organization that isn’t faith based that shares a lot of resources and information about porn.
The youversion Bible app has a lot of studies to read and do as well. Many on gettin free from porn!
John Bevere has an incredible “porn free” series on the MessengerX app. There’s also another study about love and sex that is helpful too. In January I decided to never watch it again! I was done! It’s been 6 months of freedom because I made a heart change! I made a decision that my honoring God with my body was important. It’s not easy and I commend anyone who wants freedom in this area! Don’t hesitate to reach out if you want prayer or someone alongside you in the journey!
Love in Christ
Janette
The battle is real. Thanks for sharing athose resources.
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