I’ve been delving into processing my childhood trauma for a few years. Once you think you’ve gotten through the worst a new layer seems to be peeled off. Tonight I had an unexpected protective factor come to the surface. I couldn’t contain my overwhelming emotional response and didn’t see it coming. Just when all is right with the world another trigger pops up and I am forced to do the inner work.
My last blog talks about my realization of where my tense physical state comes from, if you haven't read it go back and read it first. I’ve been doing many things to work on not constantly staying in a tense physical state, most recently continuing massages. I enjoy them despite some pain. They can be relaxing but also very therapeutic. My insurance offers twelve a year with a co-pay of $25. I began in late fall and have enjoyed them. Tonight I saw a woman for the second time and she’s incredible at working the muscles in ways that are not for just relaxing but stretching and working deeply without crazy pressure. We laugh at how she has to tell me to let go and relax. I have a hard time letting go enough to just let her go for it. We talk and I’m comfortable with her. She is knowledgeable and I know I’m there for body work, not just a fun massage. I was very tense/sore in my legs from a workout Tuesday night. We started on my quads and she did some inner thigh work and I was fine. We joked about how we just don’t care anymore when it comes to being self-conscious about our bodies and I shared nannying stories about one particular little girl who had to touch my chest to fall asleep. I just don’t worry about people touching me anymore. She said it was mainly a mom thing and could understand how being a nanny you sort of don’t have personal space boundaries with infants and toddlers. She was great and right at the end went to work on my hamstrings. I couldn’t relax my leg and felt myself tense up. I then realized it was a protective factor after I told her I’m tense because of trauma. My body was protecting me and stayed tense so I was keenly aware of what was happening. What was shocking was that the front was totally fine for her to work on, but the hamstrings in the back were triggering. She asked how I was doing? And I burst into tears. I got this whoosh of emotion I couldn’t handle. My body has been tense for over 30 years protecting little me. It hurts to know that all of this didn’t have to happen. I had no idea how emotional or intense this feeling would be. I got myself together and she reassured me it was a safe space. She finished right then and we ended the night as it was time to be done anyways. I walked to my car and the minute I sat down I couldn’t stop crying, the drive home was a messy face and puffy eyes. I had no warning of this response in my body. I went from completely fine to immediate emotional release. I am not sure where to go from here but I see my counselor Monday and we will discuss some of this.
I had no idea that 2023 would be continuing the trauma healing. I feel blessed to have the insurance I do and be able to work through what I have. I will continue to improve my life the best that I can and am incredibly proud of the work I have done. This is just another testimony to how someone may look okay on the outside but yet be dealing with something incredibly intense on the inside. Remember to give people grace.
Thanks for listening
Janette
No comments:
Post a Comment