Compliments or insecurities?

When you have low self worth or low self esteem you see your mistakes and your insecurities are at the forefront of your mind. Past employers have said so many nice compliments about me but all I could see in my mind was how I wasn’t that great.  There is a pharmacist in my town I worked for just two weeks in 2017 because his wife lost her job while I was there.  He complimented me in 2019 when he recognized me after I said, “hello,” picking up a prescription. He mentioned, “you’re the best one we had.” I didn’t think it could be true.  I had a hard time accepting it.  I did think of those two weeks and how I organized their pantry, helped the 9 year old organize her drawers as it was her responsibility to put laundry away and she had no space. Then we played games and made Hello Fresh dinners together. I truly liked them. I enjoyed my years nannying. They weren’t easy!!! Last year a mental health consultant in the classroom complimented me on how I was able to continue relationships with children who were not easy to love based on behavior. It meant so much to me but I played it off! That was truly so kind and it’s true. Basing relationships on behavior is not always going to work. Someone could act horrible to you but there might be something going on behind the scenes. It’s important to know that and recognize people have flaws. Sometimes it is just temporary. 

When you’re with children all day it isn’t some walk in the park. Teaching them, guiding them, feeding, clothing, bathing, playing, etc happens.  I hate when people call their nanny a babysitter.  Sorry, but I’m not just here to sit while they watch movies and sleep. I’m literally helping you raise your children.  That’s a huge responsibility.  16 years of hard work that I absolutely loved. So many children in my heart! So many good memories and some not so good. I dealt with guilt throughout the years for not always being the best version of myself. Hire an overweight nanny... she may not have as much energy but she will love your kids like her own! I was always afraid in interviews of getting judged for my weight, but I found so many good families to work for. I only had two experiences that weren’t the best. One family was used to a quiet reserved nanny. I was 22 and wanted to fellowship with people  I was used to being more involved in raising the children. They gave some excuse and then I left after 4.5 months in southern CA. Then in Medford I nannied for a family that wanted me to be a fun aunt in the morning to her three children, they didn’t want to get ready for school! Seriously the 8 year old was coddled and it made it so hard! I loved the girls and the dad though. Just not the best fit for me. There are times I could have done more, said yes more, been less selfish. Processing memories and the thoughts or feelings associated with them is important.  Forgiving myself has been the hardest! It’s so worth it though! 

So much of my identity was wrapped up in my insecure appearance. I hated what I looked like. I hated that I didn’t have as much energy as others as I got over age 30. I hated that I wasn’t the best version of myself! I’ve struggled with how I see myself as well as how others see me. It’s easier to hide away than to get out there and get judged. So much around me is based on weight,  compliments when you lose weight build you up but often feel fake and like you were worthless with more weight on your body. What happens when someone gains weight? The compliments end! The genuine interest in that person decreases. I’ve seen it time and time again! Please be kind to people who are obese. They deserve just as much love and attention!  So please compliment people on accomplishments, on character, on who they are... not what they wear, not what they look like and definitely not just on weightloss. Yes, I love hearing all the kind words, but that shouldn’t be the only focus of people’s words to me!