I have wanted children since I started playing house at four years old. Being a mom is something I have a huge desire for. I nannied for 16 years. That was very close to being a mother and part of the reason I ended my career was that I couldn't handle the constant goodbyes anymore. I didn't want to love another human that wasn't mine in such a special way. My previous blog talks about how my uterus was saved and my hope and dream of having a child. It is very near and dear to my heart. In the last month, I have been given an opportunity to adopt a child. This came about in a way that I couldn't imagine, it is not an exciting thing because of why this girl needs a new home. I will not share details as it is not my story to share but it comes with heartbreak and trauma. Let's call her Red.
Red has been in and out of the system most of her little life. I have known her since about two years old. We are not super close but do know one another. Red is sweet and fun. She is creative and very artistic. She deserves the best outcome and the best that God has for her. Several weeks ago I took Red to the store and we talked and got reacquainted with one another. We saw a homeless man and her little heart for people in that position is just so precious. She prayed for the person and so did I. Her prayer was very well-spoken and went straight to that person's needs. We were driving at the time and she asked to go to Dutch Bro at least 4 times. I had to explain why we couldn't and she was able to let it go. Red has been through many changes in her life. If I chose her she would have a huge change of location as well as going from lots of kids around to just me. She has trauma from multiple things, all so very deep and harmful.
I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts when it comes to adopting Red. I desire so much marriage and children. What does this do to my dating life? What does the future look like having a child and finding someone to accept her? I have wanted to foster and adopt for many years but financially it just hasn't worked out. Also with Red's emotional needs, it would be tough! I won't have someone to rely on and tap out when needed. I always thought I would have a partner walking into this situation. I am also in my late 30's and my time to have children is dwindling. It has been a lot of emotions and reality checks. So many thoughts swirling in my head. I have changed multiple things in my life in the last year, I have worked hard on my own mental health and trauma. Am I ready to take on a child alone? That is the hardest thing to decipher.
I had a lot of fear of making the wrong choice. I had a lot of anxiety about saying no but also saying yes. Am I selfish to say NO? Am I ready to take a child on whom has a variety of emotional and mental needs? Can I handle this on my own? I prayed really hard about this. I thought the answer was yes and started to prepare for that but I did not have peace in my heart. I thought I had confirmation and prayed for a week with this unsettling feeling. I had so many of you praying for me and I am so thankful for that. It was not an easy decision especially saying no! I want this 100% but the timing is wrong. I desire so much for a spouse to be alongside me when I walk this journey of adoption in the future. A week ago I felt the disconnect, I felt the release of pressuring myself to say Yes. I felt peace and relief with allowing myself to say, "No." That decision was heartbreaking in a way. I had a chance to be a mom, to be someone for Red, to do something amazing. I am sad at the ending but know in God's timing he will bring the right situation and child into my life, whether through my womb or adoption.
I have decided to seek new employment and make some other changes in my life so that I can prepare for this possibility in the future. Time to work on my own life and strengthen things in me to be ready if God says, "YES" in the future, to something like this!
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