Can I be honest with you?

I can be honest about how I feel at the moment but can you understand that without judging me? Christians are sometimes the hardest people to talk to. Especially about subjects I want to share. Who is going to listen? Who is going to try and hear my story and where I am at? I have found nonbelievers so much more receptive. I hate that I have to say that. I can understand why people leave the church. I can see where the fear of Christians judgment can make you hide your sin. I walked through that myself. As I shared and opened up I felt love and empathy. I felt cared for and listened to by the people at my church. I feel so grateful to have believers around me that love others to Jesus. 

So here goes...

I miss relationships that were in my life even if they were not the healthiest. I miss the friendship and the encouragement and what some of these people meant to me. Giving them up was not easy, it was a progression of less and less communication. There can be healing and something beautiful in the midst of the darkness, little glimpses of light they gave me. I was so broken inside. People came along and lifted me out of that, to a certain extent. They showed me that I have worth, that I was beautiful and worthy of much more than I could see for myself. They encouraged my confidence and supported my life journey. A few people saw who I really was and liked me for me. But this type of relationship caused me to sin. It was not rooted in the Lord and only brought sadness and brokenness in the end. 

I can be truthful and say I miss someone from my past. I have cried countless tears about this subject.  I cannot be his friend, I cannot talk to him, I cannot be involved in his life or his mine, especially based on circumstances and what is right! It doesn't mean I do not miss him. I think I last talked to him 4-5 months ago but I am not sure the day... He was a huge cheerleader in my weight loss. He always supported me in what I was doing and had many kind things to say and was a friend I enjoyed talking to for most of last year.  There are others who supported my iamlosingthisweight account on Instagram as well but I do not miss them and got rid of that account. It was a very healthy decision to leave it behind.  

The worst part is that this man was married. I knew that from the beginning and we were just friends for a long time. He isn't someone I should have become friends with in the first place.  He is just a blip in time for me but yet had an impact on me in significant ways. No, not for the positive when it came to my relationship with Christ but in other ways, yes! Walking away from him and the lifestyle of last year was not easy.  I do not need support from people with the wrong view on relationships and where their morals differ from mine. I cannot be friends with people so closely that bring temptation to sin into my life. Men and women who are in committed relationships/married should not be good friends. I believe that wholeheartedly based on my experiences over the last 1.5 years. It stings to say I still miss him occasionally. How could I miss someone who brought sin into my life? No, it is not his fault alone, I fully knew what was going on.  I do not miss the sin, I miss the companionship and the camaraderie. I miss the support and kindness. He impacted me in ways I cannot share because I do not think it would be easy for some to understand. They say to hate the sin and not the sinner. I think that applies in this situation. He did not take advantage of me as I am sure some of you are wondering. 

This morning I prayed and released him to the Lord once again. Healing from unhealthy relationships doesn't just happen overnight. I am a life-long friend person. I love people deeply even if I do not say it or sometimes realize it. I hated moving away as a child because I always missed those who were around me. While other family members could move on, I would long for those I could not see again. If I am being truly honest my heart hurts. There are many complicated reasons why. I have to let myself be okay with that. I have to allow myself to grieve whatever I need to instead of just blocking it in my heart and mind.  I am a very deep and sensitive person. Something that may not mean anything to you could mean the world to me. Simple things bring me so much joy, for example, fog. Seriously, I get giddy when I see it, this feeling is rooted in a love for a childhood favorite book. I share this because it is so easy to pretend everything is alright. It is easy to judge another person and think they should be able to just move on. Everyone feels things differently. What affects one may not affect the other. 

Instead of looking for relationships, I have been diving into Christ for the last few months. I have opened myself up so much more to him. To surrender more of myself and fully rely on him has been the goal. I have so much more work to do but it is happening. January was such a wake-up call for me. I stumbled in a way I never thought I could but yet made perfect sense based on my thoughts and actions. I am not perfect but I am making choices to let go of the past and turn to God instead of man. He was always there, especially those Sundays I sat in the pew at church and cried my eyes out last summer. I was in the midst of turmoil while trying to serve God. I longed for freedom from where I was but was not strong enough yet to walk away. The process of turning from sin and letting Christ fill those places isn't instantaneous. It is not easy either when there is a stronghold in your life. Proverbs 18:10 says, "The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run into it and they are safe." I am where I need to be, safe in the Lord's arms now. I may peak out and long for the false freedom outside of that place but that is what it is a LIE. It is a false sense of security, only in God do we have a firm foundation. Letting the Lord have my heart and my life completely is my goal of 2022. To end this year by seeing how much he has worked on my heart and in my life. 

Have I perfectly navigated walking away? No!!! But the change and life lessons of the last few months have changed my life. I am walking with my head held higher, I have less anxiety and greater intimacy with Christ. I have a stronger foundation and actually spend my time reading the Word and praying. I have listened and stepped up with the call to prayer. I absolutely am terrified as I do not love speaking out but it is not about me. Leading a new Sunday Morning intercession time is out of my comfort zone but right where I feel led to be. I am excited about my future and where the Lord leads. 

It is okay that I miss someone. It is okay that I can share that. I do not need to fear others' thoughts on what I went through and am going through.  Being strong is tough. Staying strong in my convictions is not easy. It is not simple either. If you cannot understand that I hope you can try. I hope you can step back and look at situations differently. I hope that you can have the Love of Christ for those around you. I hope you can drop the religious stones and forgive and bring the love of God to people around you. I so appreciate the ones around me whom have supported me with love and kindness. 

This song by Kyndal Inskeep literally explains so much of the last few years for me. Being honest about what was happening inside was the most difficult.  Here are the lyrics. 

[Verse 1]
Every time I walk out of the house
Put on another face
Just to blend in with the crowd
So nobody sees me
You would never believe me

[Pre-Chorus]

I tell you that I'm whole, but I'm still healing
I tell you that I'm happy, but I'm grieving
Thought I was a fighter
I'm still in the fire

[Chorus]

But if I'm being honest
I'm not being honest
I'll give you roses just hopin' you don't see the weeds in my garden
If I'm being honest
I'm at my darkest
I'm sitting here waitin' and prayin' for someone to show me what love is
I'm just being honest
I'm just being honest

[Verse 2]

Every time I'm past the hardest part
Here comes another ghost just to pull me to the dark
I thought it was over
God, let this be over

[Chorus]

Cause if I'm being honest
I'm not being honest
I'll give you roses just hopin' you don't see the weeds in my garden
If I'm being honest
I'm at my darkest
I'm sitting here waitin' and prayin' for someone to show me what love is
I'm just being honest
I'm just being honest

[Bridge]

I tell you that I'm whole, but I'm still healing
I tell you that I'm happy, but I'm grieving
Thought I was a fighter
(Thought I was a fighter)
I'm still in the fire

[Chorus]

Cause if I'm being honest
I'm not being honest
I'll give you roses just hopin' you don't see the weeds in my garden
(Don't see it, don't see it, no)
If I'm being honest
I'm at my darkest
(I'm at my darkest)
I'm sitting here waitin' and prayin' for someone to show me what love is
I'm just being honest

Official video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKfEiTRT14g